2 Nephi, Chapter 20

1) Wo unto them that decree unrighteous proclamations, and that write grievousness into their policies.

2) That turn away from the needy in favor of economic development, and build giant malls with retractable roofs and high-end merchandise, while at the same time denying aid to countless homeless gays who are kicked out of their homes when they turn eighteen!

3) And what will ye do in the day of civil liberty, when gay marriage shall be universally legalized? To whom will ye direct your homophobia? Where will ye draw your hard line?

4) Without the Supreme Court they shall bow down under their church's bigotry, and they shall slay themselves at staggering rates. For all this their church's anger is not turned away, but the heartless oppression is stretched out still.

5) It is not the love of men, but that fact coupled with the staff between their legs that is their indignation.

6) They shall think they live in a hypocritical nation, that denieth them their constitutional right to choose which rights gays are allowed to have, and to tread them down like the mire of the streets.

7) However, the Constitution meaneth not so, neither do most Americans think so; but in their hearts it is to destroy the entire fabric of society.

8) For they say: Are not the gays out to destroy gender barriers?

9) Is not Carlos as Carla? Is not Henry as Henrietta? Is not Sam as Samantha?

10) What's next? Fucking babies and raping sheep?

11) Shall we not do away with segregated bathrooms, and shall we let our cheerleaders shower with the football team?

12) Well, that last part actually sounds kind of fun, but that's our whole point. Gay athletes get that feeling every time they get into the showers with the team, and that's just creepy, man. Keep them in the closet.

13) But God saith: By the strength of my voter base and duly appointed justices have I done these things; for I am prudent; and I have moved the law of the people, and have robbed them of their discrimination, and I have put down the homophobia like a valiant man;

14) And I am omniscient, therefore I expected this to happen. I already did the same with other nations of the earth, and there were none in Salt Lake City that opened their mouths, or said aught about it.

15) Shall the fag boast itself against him that defendeth a dictionary definition of a word, as if that were more important than a living, breathing person? As if the fag had anything to do with it. I am omnipotent. Remember?

16) Therefore shall the Lord, the Lord of Hosts, send among his straight ones, gayness; and under those steamy locker room shower heads he shall kindle a burning like the burning of a fire.

17) And all of society shall be for a fire, and his Holy One shall burn and shall devour all the nations of the Earth.

18) And shall consume the glory of his forest, and of his fruitful field, both soul and body; and they shall be as when a standard-bearer fainteth.

19) Or not.

20) And it shall come to pass in that day people shall arise in the morning, and partake of eggs, and drink coffee, and they shall go to work, and they shall return hither unto their families, and they shall watch the latest episode of Walking Dead on television, and none of that stuff shall be happening in the real world, contrary to what their prophets have foretold.

21) For many shall have received patriarchal blessings that state that they shall see the return of Christ in the flesh, before they shall die.

22) And many of them shall already be dead. And still there is no Christ.

23) For the Lord God of Hosts shall make false prophesies, but they are determined to believe no matter what.

24) Therefore, O my people that dwellest in these ancient times, be not afraid of the Assyrian, even though I prophesy that he shall murder and rape most of you, for just look at what good those prophesies shall be in the latter days!

25) For yet a very little while and your suffering shall cease, and God's anger in your destruction shall abate.

26) And for a benchmark of what I mean by "a little while," know that the prophets shall say for many centuries that Christ shall come in a little while. But do not let that discourage you.

27) And at a time that is perpetually in the future your burdens shall be taken away from off your shoulders, and Jesus shall come and offer second anointings for all!

28) He hath already come to Aiath, and is now passing Migron doing sixty-five on the Interstate; at Michmash he already hath a pit crew lined up.

29) He is staying at the Holiday Inn at Geba; Ramath is afraid; Gibeah of Saul hath shit his pants.

30) But it shall still take him about two-thousand and seven-hundred years to reach us.

31) Be patient for God's sake. He is doing the best he can!

32) As yet shall he remain at Nob for an undisclosed period of time, and when he is ready he shall come in his glory and shake his hand against the mound of the daughter of Zion.

33) Behold, endure well thy suffering, and in a hundred generations or so the Lord shall go all Deus ex machina on the world's ass.

34) And he shall solve all your problems like a bad plot device, therefore, don't bother fixing the world by yourself. It doth not matter.