1 Nephi, Chapter 9

1) And many more things did my father see, which although could be summarized in a few verses, will not be written upon these plates, for truly they were just dreams and nothing more.  And I felt a disturbance in the spirit, as if millions of future artists suddenly cried out, and were silenced.

2) And now, as I have spoken concerning these plates which I have made, behold, I knew that my words would some day be abridged by Mormon and Moroni, for verily they did speak of volumes and volumes of plates that would fill an entire room, but they needed to condense it all into a single record so that future primary children could carry them in a single scripture bag.

3) Nevertheless, I have received a commandment of the Lord that I should write down all the same things that my father did, but in different words, because Joseph Smith would lose the manuscript some day, and evil men would take it and make small changes in order to embarrass Joseph Smith.  And behold, this proveth that it will be an exact word-for-word translation, not received by subjective inspiration, for he shall imply that he can reproduce the text word for word, and that any deviations from the original would be because of the evil men, and not his own imprecision of language in translating abstract concepts such as steel, horses, and elephants, all of which shall be words with clear definitions in the nineteenth century.

4) And I did this knowing that, although ninety-and-nine percent of what I write will be edited out by Mormon and Moroni, yet they will choose to keep my parallel account along with my father's, and this that we might all save Joseph Smith from embarrassment.

5) For verily the day shall come when he will have apologists, and they shall say all sorts of bat-shit crazy things, such as horses and chariots really mean chicken and backpacks, and people shall eat that shit up, but if they shall say that the original translation doth not match the new one because evil men have changed the words, that shall be one spin too many, and multitudes shall flock out of the church, and temples shall close and churches converted into coffee shops, and the purposes of God shall be thwarted forever.

6) The Lord knoweth all things from the beginning.  He knoweth that the church shall not have the expertise or discernment to detect such a forgery, and he shall prove this incompetence by some other means.  And he doeth this to prove unto the gullible that he worketh mighty miracles, although never while under the scrutiny of James Randi.