Mosiah, Chapter 4

1) And now it came to pass that when the satirist had moved the story along, that King Benjamin cast his eyes round about on the multitude, and they did not throw his eyes back, for behold the multitude had fallen to the earth, either because they had fainted from boredom, or because of an earthquake or some shit. How else could it have happened?

2) And they had viewed themselves as worthless pieces of shit, even less than the dust of the earth. And they all cried aloud with one voice simultaneously, saying: O have mercy, and forgive us, O God, for we believe in Jesus Christ, because King Benjamin just told us we should, and that's the first time we've ever heard that we should do that, or something, and it was all very rehearsed.

3) And those waiting patiently in the back for the written transcripts wondered what the fuck was going on up there, for they did see those who had fallen, and did believe they were planking, and verily they did plank as well so as to not look uncool.

4) And it came to pass that after they had all planked like a boss, the Spirit of the Lord came upon them, and just like that they were all forgiven of their sins, even though they had recited the same prayer like fucking Catholics, and they were filled with joy.

5) And King Benjamin continued speaking, saying: Behold, my friends and brethren, if this feeling of joy hath awakened you to a sense of your nothingness, and your worthless, shitty, meaningless lives -

6) I say unto you, if ye are so happy that ye are ready to kill yourselves over the futility of it all, slaves to the wonderful and glorious atonement which doth proffer unto you the matchless gift of not having to burn for all eternity in hell, so long as ye should be diligent in keeping the commandments unto the end of this life, I mean the life of the mortal body -

7) I say, if ye who are slaves of God's tyrannical will are happy about it, ye shall receive salvation. Good job.

8) And if any of you are offended that I just called God a tyrant, and men slaves, just remember that there is none other salvation; neither are there any conditions whereby man can be saved and avoid eternal torment as if it were a lake of fire except the conditions which I have just told you. Period.

9) Believe in God; believe that he created the universe; believe that he is all-knowing, all-seeing, all-powerful, all-good, all-evil, and that there is no escape from his will, ever.

10) And if ye do not believe that ye can force yourself to believe in something for arbitrary reasons, stop believing that.

11) And again I say unto you as I have said before, if ye have known the goodness of God and tasted of his love, and have received a remission of your sins which causeth such exceedingly great joy in your souls, don't forget that ye are still just worthless, unworthy creatures, and that too much self-esteem is a dangerous thing.

12) Behold, I say unto you that if you remember to be miserable and depressed all the time because of your nothingness, then ye shall always rejoice, and be filled with happiness, and there shall be nothing counterfeit about it.

13) And ye will not have a mind to injure one another, for only people who believe they're worth something ever get into fights.

14) And ye will not suffer your children that they go hungry, or naked, unless that's what you have to do in order to pay your tithing of course.

15) And if they are hungry, or if they quarrel one with another, or have any other such problems, then remember that it is your own fault, for I just said right here in the holy scriptures that this kind of thing won't happen so long as you're living right.

16) And also ye yourselves will pay a generous fast offering, and this shall justify you in suffering that the beggar putteth up his petition to you in vain.

17) For behold, thou shalt say: This man has brought upon himself his misery, for he doth not work, and doth mooch off the government, and doth spend his money on drugs and shit; therefore I will stay my hand, for his punishments doth teach unto him a lesson -

18) And I say unto you, O man, whosoever doeth this is doing it right, for his twenty-dollars-a-month fast offering doth exempt him from other charitable work, for the bishop doth have the discernment to distinguish who is genuinely in need from who is a dirty fucking leech.

19) For behold, are we not hard workers? And why should you work hard so that you might be an enabler for that guy who doth nothing but sit around and smoke pot all day? It's your hard work that earned the money, after all. It's not like God snaps his fingers every day and it magically appears in your bank account.

20) It is like God is our employer. He creates the job, but it is up to us to perform it. It's not like we're beggars to God or anything. We have to work hard for a remission of our sins, and we have to do it for the rest of our natural lives. There is no retirement in God's plan.

21) And now, if God, who has created you, doth expect you to work hard all the days of your life, O then how ye ought to expect the poor to work if they want to siphon off any of your fucking money.

22) It is for their own good. It will teach them a lesson. They'll never learn to be proper latter-day saints if they take handouts all the time.

23) I say unto you, if ye are rich as pertaining to the things of this world, then that means ye have worked hard, and have set a good example that ye might be an inspiration unto those who are struggling financially.

24) And again, I say unto the poor, ye who have not, and remain from day to day waiting for the next check, I mean all you who do not work because of a disability, or life circumstances, or because ye are a woman and are thus expected to stay home and bear children; I would that ye say in your hearts that: "I work not because I can not, but if I could I would work."

25) And now, if ye say this in your hearts, and pay a full tithe, ye remain guiltless, and there is a pretty good chance the bishop will give you some canned oats so you can feed your children. Otherwise ye are condemned, and your condemnation is just, for you're a lazy ass motherfucker, and if you don't have a home then we'll kick you off the streets in front of the temple, for ye do make it look bad, and it's private property bitches.

26) And now, for the sake of those of you who may be inclined to live in a society where the rich give unto to the poor in a sort of harmonic equality, I say unto you that this is socialism, and while it may have been God's perfect plan in the nineteenth century, nevertheless it is now the wickedest form of government that Satan hath ever introduced into the Earth. And it is so bad because Satan introduced it. When God introduces it, even if it's the same exact thing, then that's okay.

27) And see that all things are done in wisdom and order, through official church programs, for it is easily recorded for tax purposes, and ye shall not have to worry about transparency or accountability of the funds, for that stuff is a pain in the ass anyway. And if ye should thus give your charity through the church then ye shall win the prize of being allowed to attend the weddings of your children.

28) And I would that ye should remember, that whosoever among you borroweth something from his neighbor, like, for instance, a seer stone so that you might translate a new book of scripture, the same should return the thing that he borroweth. If not, then I swear to God that man is gonna get tarred and feathered at some point in his life.

29) And finally, I cannot tell you all the things whereby ye may commit sin. Just, look, if it feels like something I might judge you for, don't do it! I don't know.

30) But this much I can tell you as a general rule of thumb, that ye must control your Behavior, Information, Thoughts, and Emotions, and he who doth not follow this B.I.T.E. model, even unto the end of his life, must perish. No biggie. And now, O man, remember, and perish not.