1) And now, it came to pass that when king Benjamin had thus spoken to his people, he sent among them, desiring to know of his people if they believed the words which he had spoken unto them, for he truly was quite insecure about it all.
2) And they counted to three, and chanted in unison: Yea, we believe all the words which thou hast spoken unto us; and also, we know of their surety and truth, because of the Spirit of the Lord Omnipotent, which has wrought a mighty change in us, that whereas a few minutes ago we only had nothing but disposition to do evil all the time, now we only desire to do good continually.
3) And half of the people forgot the next few words, and went out of unison, which turned into an unintelligible mess that King Benjamin could not quite make out, but they got back on track.
4) And it is the faith and goodness and exquisite majesty of our king that hath caused such a sudden yet permanent change in all of us sinners, whereby we do rejoice with such exceedingly great joy that God hath anointed his holiness to be our ruler.
5) And their chant did begin to sound like a funeral dirge, nevertheless they did continue: We are willing to enter into a covenant with our God to do his will, which will shall be communicated unto us by our king, the prophet, that we may not bring upon ourselves a never-ending torment, that we may not drink out of the cup of the wrath of God.
6) And now, these are the words which king Benjamin desired of them, for verily he had scripted it all. Obviously.
7) And he said unto them, the covenant which ye have made is a righteous covenant, and now, because of the covenant ye shall be called by a new name, for behold, this day ye are born of Christ, even though he doth not have a vagina. At least I do not think so.
8) And now, I give unto you all a new name, which you should always remember and which you must keep sacred and reveal at a certain place that will be shown you hereafter. The name is Christ. Now ye cannot renege, for ye have already sworn to obey me until the end of your lives, despite not having prior knowledge of the details of the agreement, and there is nothing sketchy about this at all.
9) And it shall come to pass, that whosoever is known by this name shall find himself at the judgment bar of God, and God shall ask, "what is your name?" And he shall say, "Christ." And God shall say, "well then, Christ, take your place here at my right hand," for God shall be fooled.
10) It is a clever trick, although I know it will make things very confusing around here for the next few years, since you all just received the exact same name, but don't worry, I'll allow the main characters to retain their original names. Everyone else shall simply be known as Christ.
11) And I would that ye should remember also that this is the name that I said I should give unto you that never should be blotted out, except it be through transgression. Nevertheless, lying to God about your name does not technically count as a transgression, because I have legally made the change for you all as of this afternoon.
12) So do not transgress or I shall change your name back, and then ye shall be found on the left hand of God. And that's a bad thing. Don't ask why. It has to do with Middle-Eastern times and unsanitary toilet customs.
13) For how wipeth a man his own crack if he hath not toilet paper? Neither do they have many trees in the land of Israel.
14) And again, doth a man wipe an ass with his left hand, and then start manhandling your food afterwards? I say unto you; Yep, all the time; and ye suffer that he shall shake your hand, and give unto you a wet willy. I say unto you, that even so shall it be among you if ye forget the name by which ye are called.
15) Therefore, I would that ye should be obedient and start calling each other Christ every day, that I might not silence and punish and drive you away with exceeding severity like I did back in the last four verses of Words of Mormon. And if ye are steadfast and immovable in your compliance, then ye shall be just fine. With God that is. I mean with God. Amen.
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