Thursday, August 6, 2015

1 Nephi, Chapter 1

1) iNephi, having been born of superstitious parents, therefore I was taught somewhat about peep stones and mineral rods, and having been highly favored of the Lord, which is to say having seen many afflictions; yea, having exercised confirmation bias in all my days, therefore I make a record of my proceedings.

2) Yeah, I make a record in my father's secret language that he invented, Reformed Egyptian, and this that nobody but us will ever be able to read it. For it behooveth not the world to have these words.

3) And I know that this record is true, and now because I have said so, ye can also know that it is true. iNephi am not a figment of Zelph Smith's imagination. I don't even know who Zelph is, for he would have existed long after I died, but I have seen him in vision, therefore I know who he is, which explains why I said his name just now. I know I exist, and now thou knowest as well. That's the point.

4) Behold, I lived in Jerusalem, and my father has always lived in Jerusalem. Don't ask me how he learned Egyptian. He also claimed he could speak Mayan like Abraham Lincoln. I don't even know who that is, but when it comes to anachronisms one is as good as another.

5) Wherefore, my father had a dream, in the which he told me to strictly use the word "wherefore" as opposed to "therefore," for all my descendants will continue that same lexicology until a certain point in time at which they will switch to strictly using "therefore." And it shall come to pass that when Joseph Smith reaches that point in his translation, he will also switch the same words in his personal writings, and it shall be a great and marvellous coincidence.

6) And it came to pass that my father told me of his remarkable dream, just like Joseph Smith's father will do some day.

7) And after the vision closed my father went home and took a nap, because visions are exhausting and entitle the recipient to refrain from working hard.

8) And while he slept my father saw another vision, and it was much awesomer than the first.

9) He saw God and Jesus, yea and they were one God, but two, and Jesus came down, and my father realized that Christianity was the true religion six hundred years before the birth of Christ.

10) And he saw the twelve disciples, which twelve exactly I know not, and they were as the stars of the firmament, for behold they represented the twelve constellations that accompany the sun along its journey across the heavens.

11) And the disciples came to my father and said hey, we haven't been born yet, and the fact that thou knowest that we will be born violates the principle of free agency, but here's a book. Tom Paine's Age of Reason. Read it until you believe it!

12) And he read and felt good feelings.

13) For behold, the book did proclaim Wo, wo unto Jerusalem, for I have seen thine abominations! And it spoke of war, pestilence and destruction, the death of women and children to the sword, and the carrying away of the virgin daughters captive into Babylon to be raped and tortured and have their clits removed.

14) And this did please my father insomuch that he was converted. And he exclaimed Great and marvelous are thy works, O Lord God Almighty! Thy power and goodness and mercy are over all the inhabitants of the earth! And, because thou art merciful, thou wilt suffer these atrocities to come upon those who do not bow down and worship thee!

15) And after this manner was the language of my father in the praising of his God, and his heart was full.

16) And now iNephi do not make a full account of the visions and dreams which my father hath seen, for they shall be found in the autobiography of Lucy Mack Smith.

17) But I shall make an account of my proceedings on my own plates that I made with my own hands after I arrived in the Promised Land, for behold this land hath more tools for smelting and metalworking than we had in Jerusalem, and I cannot use my father's plates for he hath already filled up all 116 pages.

18) Therefore, I would that ye should know that after the Lord had shown my father so many wonderful and marvelous things about the death and dismemberment of our neighbors, that he did go among them declaring those glad tidings of great joy.

19) And it came to pass that they were wroth, for he did testify of a Messiah, and this was in accordance with their beliefs.

20) And our neighbors became like unto religious zealots and tried to kill my father for his beliefs, but behold, iNephi will show unto you that the solution to religious tyranny is to become a more ardent religious zealot than thine adversaries, for nobody in possession of extreme belief has ever been the source of conflict.

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