2 Nephi, Chapter 26

1) And now I shall continue rambling, and ye shall read it, for ye feel that if ye can get through the Isaiah chapters ye can get through anything.

2) For behold, I say unto you that I have beheld what is written in this book from Mosiah forward, for that portion was translated before these replacement chapters, and it is all still in my recent memory.

3) Therefore I shall prophecy about all of those things that are already translated, because if all of my prophecies up until now haven't convinced you yet, perhaps a few more will.

4) Third Nephi is the book that ye shall be looking for. It was just translated a couple of weeks ago. That is where God shall murder millions of people.

5) But all those who die shall be the wicked ones only. The righteous who have been persecuted shall survive, even if they shall be living in those cities that are covered entirely by mountains or oceans or swallowed up in the depths of the earth or burned. They shall all have gotten out somehow. God is not an indiscriminate killer.

6) But when he is it is a blessing unto the righteous, for they return directly unto heaven. God only singled out the wicked for destruction twice - once for Noah, and that time coming up in Third Nephi.

7) It hasn't been written yet, but I shall make commentary on it anyway, and any changes I shall be making to the timeline be damned!

8) Every last survivor of God's rampage shall be one of those that hearkened unto the words of the prophets, and shall have not yet been killed in those religious exterminations.

9) Then Jesus shall come and there shall be three and a half generations of peace. I know these are spoilers, but ye wanted prophecies, and by God I'm going to give you prophecies!

10) And they shall all be very useful prophecies, even ones which are self-contained with their fulfillment in this single book of questionable authenticity.

11) For this is how ye construct a book that convinceth people to abandon everything they ever knew and to reshape their lives.

12) Now, where were we? Oh yes, Jesus. Ye know how I said that the Jews in particular need to come unto Christ? Well, they may be more important to God than everybody else, but being born a second fiddle to the man in the sky is not such a bad thing.

13) God manifesteth himself unto all those who believe in him. So just make sure ye are born into a Christian tradition, and God himself shall come to your door. Just make sure ye are not born outside of Judaism or Christianity. That actually is a bad thing.

14) Behold, now let us talk about the nineteenth century for a moment, when this book shall be published and sold in the hopes of making a buck.

15) Eh, never mind, let us not talk about it, for I have nothing new to say.

16) You're welcome.

17) Joseph Smith. That's the last thing I wanted to say.

18) Okay, let me just say a few things about this Joseph Smith guy.

19) He shall be the chosen one who shall bring balance to the Force.

20) And he shall live in a place, I won't say its name, but it shall be in a part of a country where there is a big waterfall and a new canal that crosses the state, and there shall be many religious revivals, and the churches shall say "I am the right one," and the others shall say "no, I am the right one!"

21) And they shall all bicker and fight, and although it sounds harmless in the long run, it shall be a pretty big deal, definitely worth talking about over the myriad human rights issues that shall plague those times.

22) And there shall also be Freemasons who work secret combinations that are dark and evil and scary, but a pretty good idea nonetheless when ye think about it.

23) I think I shall log that one away for later.

24) Now, God is the good guy, and he never told anyone to not come unto him. Right?

25) Behold, doth he cry unto any, saying: Depart from me? Behold, I say unto you, Nay. Granted, he never said otherwise unto you either, but if ye read it in this book, it is just as good as if God came down and said it to you in person.

26) Can ye prove that God did not tell me all these things? Behold I say unto you, Nay; therefore I bear testimony that everything I said that God said is true.

27) The burden of proof is on the skeptic, not the person making the positive claim.

28) Therefore, by default ye must believe everything I say until ye can prove otherwise. If ye do not, then ye shall be punished for eternity for your lack of faith. That is how God's plan works.

29) He also commandeth that there be no religious leaders who are paid, and if any shall make a stipend or a living allowance, they shall perish.

30) Behold, the Lord hath explicitly forbidden this thing. Leaders shall be taken care of by the people they love and serve.

31) But not in the form of money. If they are given a gift basket or a cheeseburger, that is fine, but if they are given a twenty to buy their own gift basket, they shall be destroyed.

32) For I have not thought through how this is all supposed to work yet. All I know is that I am a poor farm boy, and all the clergy do all day is read scriptures and listen to music, and they get paid for it, and I am unmistakably jealous of them, and I am incapable of recognizing how this book is full of evidence that I am a covetous man.

33) Perhaps when I am older and become a clergyman myself I shall understand the business issues that arise from organized religion, and I shall begin to comprehend the enormous sums of money that must flow to keep operations functioning, and perhaps I shall decide at that point that it is best that a righteous man, such as I, be in charge of where all that money should go. But until then let's just keep money out of it and see what comes of selling three-thousand copies of this book at well above the cost of printing.