Mosiah, Chapter 1

1) And now there was a new book called Mosiah, and it was named after a king who had already died at this point.

2) For it came to pass that Benjamin was the king, and he had three sons, and he did name his first son Mosiah, and this that the title of this book might still make sense. And Benjamin taught his sons to speak his own language, and not the language of Zarahemla, for he did verily not desire that they might be men of understanding.

3) And he also taught them concerning the brass plates, saying: My sons, I would that ye should remember that were it not for these plates, we must have suffered in ignorance, not knowing the mysteries of God. For it's not like we have prophets.

4) Besides, what would we do without mysteries? Like, for instance, why doth God like to burn things all the time? I don't know! It's a mystery! But I wouldn't be able to wonder it if not for these plates.

5) I say unto you, my sons, were it not for these things, which have been kept and preserved by the hand of God, that we might have His mysteries always before our eyes, our fathers would have stopped believing in the mythologies, and we should have been like unto our brethren, the Lamanites, who have already been described as loving their wives and children, and there would have been no divisions between us, for there would have been no difference in religion.

6) And how much fun would that have been? Really.

7) And now, my sons, I would that ye should remember that even though the brass plates contain more writings than the entire King James Bible, according to 1 Nephi 13:23, and are all dated before 600 BC, only those parts that are identical to the King James version shall be quoted in this book, for it is not meet that future generations shall have any of the material that was lost due to the wickedness of men.

8) And many more things did king Benjamin teach his sons, for verily he was their father, and one would hope he had more than two minutes of interaction with them throughout their lives.

9) And it came to pass that after king Benjamin had made an end of teaching his sons, that he waxed old. And apparently he did not teach them anything else while he aged. Nevertheless, he thought it expedient that he should confer the kingdom upon one of his sons, rather than let one of them inherit it naturally according to tradition.

10) Therefore, he had Mosiah brought before him; and these are the words which he spake unto him, saying: You are the oldest, so it's you, obviously.

11) Behold, I would that ye should gather this people together in a manner that closely resembles the Methodist Camp Meetings that Joseph Smith shall attend in the distant future. And I shall give this people a name, but because I am so old and senile I will most likely forget that I said I was going to do that.

12) And I give unto them a name that never shall be blotted out, for how can one blot out that which shall have never been written in the first place?

13) Yea, and moreover I say unto you that if this highly favored people of the Lord should fall into transgression, and become a wicked and an adulterous people, that the Lord will deliver them up, that thereby they become weak like unto their brethren, the Lamanites, who were still strong enough to drive us all out of the land of Nephi somehow.

14) For I say unto you that if God had not extended his arm to preserve our fathers, they must have fallen into the hands of the Lamanites, for I am a prophetic kind of king, and I know such things which nobody else could possibly know.

15) And, after thus failing to give useful advice regarding the hundreds of complex issues faced by monarchs, he handed charge of the kingdom over to his son.

16) And moreover, he also gave him charge concerning the plates of brass, and also the plates of Nephi, but strangely he said nothing concerning the small plates of Nephi, for their existence had not yet been conceived; and also the sword of Laban which had rusted into oblivion, and the brass balls, which were prepared by the hand of the Lord that thereby our fathers might be led through the wilderness.

17) Therefore, as they were unfaithful they were driven back, for verily the writings on the ball told them to go backwards, and they heeded them, and they were not smart enough to realize that was the opposite direction, nor were they smart enough to recognize the role confirmation bias was playing in their interpretation of the writings.

18) And now, it came to pass that Mosiah took the brass balls, and they did strangely look like a brown peep stone, which was nothing like the narrative he had been taught his whole life, for verily he knew nothing about the peep stone. And he did verily wonder how it was possible that so many words and sentences could appear on it, for it was nothing like a smart phone, and he did wonder why nobody had used it for hundreds of years. Nevertheless he assumed there were good explanations.