2 Nephi, Chapter 5

1) Behold, it came to pass that I, Nephi, did cry much because of the anger of my brethren, yea I did verily use up many boxes of tissues.

2) But behold, their anger did increase against me, insomuch that they did seek to take away my life to make the noise stop.

3) Yea, they did murmur against me, saying: Our younger brother doth murmur about us to the Lord, and he murmureth in his writings, and he doth get angry at us when we murmur against his murmurings; wherefore, it is a double-standard. For behold, he doth think that he is in charge and gets to be the only one that gets to murmur, and we have not even held an election, therefore he attempts to usurp authority over us, that he can dictate what we can and can not murmur about.

4) Now I do not write upon these plates all the words which they murmured against me, for verily they did have many good points, and I don't want my posterity to think I was an idiot, but they did also say: Now let us slay our brother Nephi, because of his words, for that makes sense.

5) And it came to pass that the Lord did warn me that I should depart from them and flee into the wilderness to save my life, even though I had just received a death threat, for verily I was not smart and could not figure that out on my own.

6) Wherefore, it came to pass that I, Nephi, did take my family, and also Zoram and his family, and Sam, my obedient older brother, and his family, and Jacob and Joseph, and also my sisters whose names I do not recall, and all those who would do whatever I said.  And all those who would go with me were those who believed in the warnings of God, that their posterity should some day be utterly destroyed if they should mingle with my family; wherefore, they did hearken unto my words.

7) And we did take our tents, and whatsoever things were possible for us, and it did take a long time to break camp and gather it together, insomuch that my brothers saw our preparations, and they did nothing. Therefore I did unzip my pants before them, and shook my penis around in circles, and I did piss upon their fire that it did stink, and we left. And after many days we decided that was far enough, and we did pitch our tents, for behold we had not pitched them for all those days.

8) And my people would that we should call the name of the place Nephi; wherefore, we did call it Nephi. I was going to name it after our father Lehi who had just died, but I liked their idea better.

9) And my people did decide completely on their own to call themselves the people of Nephi. Word.

10) And my life as their leader did become much easier after that, for I saw that I did not need to command my followers, for behold they did exactly what I expected of them before I even commanded it.

11) And the Lord was with us; and when we planted seeds, they did grow, and when we fed our animals, they did not die.

12) And I, Nephi, had also brought Laban's tablet, and the brass balls, which were prepared for my father by the hand of the Lord, according to that which was written upon the balls themselves, and I did use them at mine own discretion.

13) And it came to pass that we began to prosper exceedingly, and it had nothing to do with our labors.

14) And I, Nephi, did take the sword of Laban, and after the manner of it did make many swords, such that those who were now called Lamanites might believe we were making preparations to war against them, for I saw that a military escalation was preferable to diplomacy or compromise, at which I sucked. Therefore we did make a whole armory full of ornamental swords.

15) And I did teach my people to work in iron, and copper, and brass, and something strange we called steel, and gold, and silver, and all manner of precious ores. For verily those precious items were in great abundance upon the land.

16) And I Nephi did build a temple, but I didn't use iron, or copper, or brass, or steel, or gold, or silver, for there weren't any of those precious things in the land. Weird. It was basically a straw hut, like everything else I taught them to build, but the workmanship of that straw was exceedingly fine.

17) And now that I had a temple, it came to pass that I, Nephi, did begin to perform initiatories, and endowments, and sealings, for how could a dispensation of God's one true church be complete without any of that?

18) And it came to pass that my people would that I should be their king, but I declined. Instead I recommended that they call me fuhrer. They thought that was a good compromise, but it mattered not, for my implicit authority was the same.

19) And thus it was fulfilled that I should be their ruler and their teacher. No, wait, that was my other brothers. Hang on, let me figure out a way to smooth this over.

20) I got it. I was my brothers' ruler and teacher before they tried to kill me, and the word of the Lord was fulfilled which he spake unto me, saying: Inasmuch as they will not obey thee, Nephi, they will be cut off from the presence of the Lord. My presence, I mean. I am the Lord. First tense. We're good. And behold, I did wonder why he did not tell my brothers, for I guess they had to take my word for it.

21) And the Lord had caused a cursing to come upon them, yea, even a sore cursing, because of their iniquity. For behold, they had hardened their hearts against him, that they had become like unto a flint. Yes, I mean black. Flint is black; wherefore, as they were white, and exceedingly fair and delightsome, that they might not be enticing unto my people the Lord God did cause a skin of blackness to come upon them.

22) And the satirist did groan within himself, for there was truly nothing worse that could have been said about that. But the satirist was wrong, for verily the Lord God outdid himself, and did also say unto Nephi: I will cause that they shall be loathsome and ugly unto thy people, that they will have no desire to mate with them.

23) And cursed are all niggers, for verily they can only mate with other niggers, for white people won't have them, therefore the niggers' children shall be cursed with this same cursing, to fuck nothing but other ugly niggers forever. And the Lord spake it, and I was unsure whether we were talking about blacks or native Americans, but it did not matter, for they all look the same to me.

24) And because of this cursing the Lamanites did lose the will to mate, and to work, and to be productive, and they became an idle people full of mischief and bad things, nevertheless they established a large and powerful society somehow.

25) And the Lord God said unto me: They shall irritate the hell out of the Americans in the 1820's too, so it is justified to say all these things, even though this attitude shall lead to the Trail of Tears, and Little Big Horn, and other tragedies that Joseph Smith shall not foresee, but he shall be a product of his time, therefore the words in this book are justified. Except that he didn't write them, of course.

26) Therefore, I will use the Lamanites as a scourge to stir your people up in rememberance of me, for that is an ethical thing to do, and I, God, am the author of ethics. So there.

27) And it came to pass that we lived after the manner of happiness.

28) And I, Nephi, did not have any negative thoughts or angry feelings whatsoever, for I knew those were fruits of the devil.

29) And the surest way to know if a work is of the devil is if it talks about bad things all the time, like those angry exmormons.

30) And it came to pass that the Lord God said unto me: Oh shit, maybe I should rewrite this book then. Quick, make other plates; and thou shalt engraven only things upon them which are good and uplifting for thy people.

31) But I, Nephi, did not see the point. Therefore I blew it off.

32) And I decided that what I had written already was pleasing unto God, for I had read about him in the Old Testament, and he did not delight in warm fuzzies, or uplifting messages, or happiness. And if my people are pleased with the things of God they will be pleased with mine engravings which are upon these plates.

33) And if my people desire to know the more faith-promoting part of the history of my people, they must read only the correlated material, and listen to Heartsell.

34) And it sufficeth me to say that ten years passed away since I wrote those last six verses, but I don't have much new to say, except that there was a slew of bloody wars and contentions between us and the Lamanites, but that's not a big deal.