Thursday, December 3, 2015

2 Nephi, Chapter 17

1) And it came to pass that there were three countries, Syria, Ephraim, and Judah. And they were headed by three kings, Rezin, Pekah, and Ahaz respectively. Just thought I'd clear that up before spouting meaningless names that confuse my readers.

2) I know that I had a good thing going with the Lehi family drama, and that ye do not care about these Isaiah chapters, and all ye want to do is read through them as fast as ye can so that ye can get back to cutting off heads and stuff.

3) But at least let me give unto you the background information for the next three chapters so that your eyes don't gloss over.

4) Ephraim broke off from Israel and became its own country. That left Judah all by itself, because apparently the other ten tribes had already migrated to Greenland.

5) Then Ephraim teamed up with Syria to attack Judah, because they were pissed at them and all.

6) That is to say, Pekah of Ephraim teamed up with Rezin of Syria, and said, let us open a can of whoop-ass on Ahaz of Judah, because that's what members of the tribe of Ephraim do.

7) And Pekah was the son of Remaliah, so rather than call him Pekah from now on, I shall just refer to him as the son of Remaliah. That should make things simpler.

8) Also I shall refer to Ephraim as Israel, even though Judah has the stronger claim, and I will just assume ye know what I am talking about, and perhaps I'll call the countries by their capitol cities, just to be clearer. That would be Damascus for Syria, Jerusalem for Judah of course, and Samaria for Israe... oh shit! Your eyes are starting to gloss over again! Moving along...

9) Ahaz of Judah, being the obvious victim here, got to have the Lord on his side.

10) And the Lord spake unto Ahaz, saying:

11) Ask for a sign. Anything you want! I love it when people ask for signs.

12) But Ahaz said: I will not tempt thee, Lord. Besides, I don't know what good a sign would be, seeing as I am about to be invaded.

13) And Ahaz said unto his people: Hear ye now, it is a small thing for you to weary men, but will ye weary my God also? And they answered him, saying, it wasn't us who told you to ask for a sign. It was God himself! Didn't you read verse ten?

14) And Ahaz said: God Schmod! I'll give you a sign - Behold, a virgin shall conceive, and shall bear a son, and shall call his name Immanuel.

15) And they said unto him, no, his name shall be Jesus. Nobody will ever call him Immanuel, except in that Christmas song, and he won't even come for seven hundred years. What about the two armies marching over that hill right now? Are we going to prepare for battle or what?

16) But Ahaz ignored them, and continued rambling: Butter and honey shall he eat, because that will turn him into a good person, duh, and before this even happens both those kings coming down that hill are going to up and die. So no worries.

17) And the people said unto him, yeah right. We do not believe you, just like we do not believe that a virgin can conceive and bear a son.

18) And Ahaz said unto them, she can if the spirit comes down upon her.

19) And they answered, saying, that's one way of putting it. How do we know she shall be a virgin? Won't she be married to a carpenter named Joseph?

20) And Ahaz said, The first chapter of Matthew shall say that she was a virgin.

21) And they answered, was Matthew there to check her hymen? Besides, the first chapter of Matthew shall say that Joseph didn't have sex with her even after they were married. Are you telling me that, even though they were hitched, he didn't go there at all until after the birth of Jesu...Immanuel?

22) Ahaz said, if that's what it takes to make this prophecy true.

23) But ye are missing the point. Being a virgin means not having had sex with any man. Heavenly Father doesn't really count.

24) Then the jaws of the people of Ahaz fell open, and in unison they cried, Mary shall have sex with God? We didn't even know he had a penis!

25) And all the city shook with commotion, and windows broke, and shops were looted, and Ahaz, calming them, said, O my people, ye have much to learn about the true nature of God. Let me teach you the official doctrine. God shall be the literal, physical father of Jesu...Immanuel, in the flesh, and ye all know how tabernacles are made, but before ye learn about God impregnating Mary ye need to know a thing or two about Adam.


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