1 Nephi, Chapter 4

1) And it came to pass that I spake unto my brethren, saying: Let us be faithful in keeping the commandments of the Lord, for he is mightier than all the earth! Behold, he could squish us with his little finger, and would probably do it too if we crossed him!

2) Therefore let us be strong like unto Frodo, who did go up into the land of Mordor against all odds and destroyed the ring of power. Ye have the book before you. How can ye doubt it?

3) Now behold, ye have seen an angel, and ye have not been examined by a professional for hallucinogens or mental disorders, and so ye can have no doubt that this vision was real, and therefore one final suicide mission into Laban's house will work, for the angel ye saw must by default be a good messenger of an omnipotent being that gives a fuck.

4) And when I had spoken these words, they were not convinced, and murmured that evidence should be fully analyzed prior to making decisions, and not the other way around, but I started walking and they unthinkingly followed me as they continued to whine.

5) And I told them to stand back, for I had to do this alone so that nobody could question my distinct awesomeness when I succeeded.

6) But to be honest, I had no idea what the fuck I was doing. And I was led by the Spirit, even though I knew exactly where Laban lived, yea, I had already been to his house.

7) And as I came near unto the house of Laban, I beheld a man, and he had fallen to the earth before me, for he was drunken with wine. So am I right now, as ye can tell by my rambling sentence structure that begins every verse with a conjunction.

8) And much to my surprise I found that it was Laban, in his own front yard of all places!

9) And behold, I drew his sword, and it was upon a piece of paper with fine acrylic paint, and then I took his sword from its sheath, and the hilt thereof was of pure gold, and I determined that it must be an ornamental sword only for verily the pure gold was far too soft to hold the blade straight, even in mine own hands, and after a moment of admiring the fine craftsmanship with which it was made, it began to droop as though it needed some Viagra. And the blade thereof was of the most precious steel, yea, so precious that it appeared unto me that it had not yet been invented.

10) And it came to pass that the Spirit of the Lord said unto me: Murder that fucker! But I said in my heart, Never at any time have I shed the blood of man, and I shrunk that I might not slay a man who was harmlessly passed out on the street, for that would verily qualify as murder even by Mormon standards.

11) And the Spirit said unto me again: Behold, the Lord hath delivered him into thy hands. Murder that fucker! And I was sore afraid that I was not hearing the Spirit of the Lord, but a minister of Satan, and I did ask him to shake hands, but he durst not.

12) And I said unto the Spirit, yea, all of Laban's house did see that we tried to get the tablet from him, and if they did find his body murdered the next morning and the tablet missing, they would surely know it was us and hunt us down in order to exact lawful justice.

13) And it came to pass that I said: Let me not murder him that I may instead take his clothes and adorn my body with them, and then draw a dick on his face while he remains passed out from drink. Then I may enter his house in disguise and use his voice so that I may only break the eighth commandment in the name of the Lord who commanded against it, and steal the tablet.

14) And the Spirit of the Lord said: Art thou hard of hearing? Murder that fucker! It is better that one man shall perish than that an entire nation should live with any other religion besides Judaism.

15) And it came to pass that I did say unto the apparition: but Laban is Jewish, and yea, he only commands fifty men, and if I do kill him then there shall be pharisees and sadducees in six hundred years that shall bring persecutions upon the Lord. Or art thou not able to control the future?

16) And I attempted to persuade him again that I might not kill Laban, saying: The Lord hath forbidden this act in the holy scriptures, and if God be powerful enough to cause a drunken sleep to come over Laban, surely he be powerful enough to keep him in that drunken stupor so that I, a 15 year old boy, may not be forced to commit the murder of a helpless man. For when I write this story down for future generations to read, they shall condemn me. Yea, they shall accuse me of having schizophrenia and killing people because the voices in my head tell me to.

17) But the Spirit of the Lord said unto me: You think you know everything? Murder that fucker, you argumentative little shit! I am sick of this teenage attitude!

18) Therefore, I did obey the voice in my heart, and I took Laban by the hair of the head, and I smote his neck with the sword. But being an ornamental sword, and having only one other hand without room to put my full strength into it, the sword cut not through, yea it cut not even to the spine of the neck. And I let go of his hair and took the sword with both hands, and I struck again, but verily I found that the spine of the neck is exceedingly difficult to sever with an ornamental sword. Yea, the blood of Laban did flow all over me until I had much difficulty grasping the slippery hilt, so great was the amount of blood everywhere. And I struck Laban seven more times, severing tendons that snapped like piano wires and cracking the bones, with long chunks of sticky flesh clinging to the blade. And it came to pass that I did finally break through the spine, and I swung again, but found the skin on the far side of his neck difficult to cut through, and I did have to finish using sawing motions.

19) And it came to pass that after I had smitten off the head of Laban, that I took his garments and put them on mine own body, and looked at the blood that covered my hands and Laban's clothes, soaked clear through that his armor was now turning brown as it dried, and yea, I felt compelled to say: I love the smell of Napalm in the morning.

20) And I did go unto the servant of Laban to get the plates, and commanded him to go with me to the treasury, and being a highly trained ventriloquist he did not recognize my voice.

21) And he did not notice the blood upon my garments, or my hands, or upon the sword girded about my loins.

22) And I spake concerning the elders of the Jews, and the servant of Laban did not suspect anything, for verily he knew Laban to be a pious man, and that he had been out among the priests that very evening, for behold Laban did encourage the teaching of correct doctrine unto the people, who were the chosen people of the Lord among all the nations of the Earth.

23) And I did get the tablet, and bade the servant of Laban to follow me to go meet my brothers, because, well, why not?

24) And I did speak unto the servant of Laban of religious matters using subtle means, as if I were his friend, but truly my only purpose was to convert him to my religion, for verily he had much to learn from me and I had nothing to learn from him.

25) And though the servant of Laban did not realize it, I did report unto my mission president that I had taught a discussion.

26) And when I said that we were going to see "my brethren," the servant of Laban did suppose that I spake of the brethren of the church, for verily it was common to use nineteenth century American vernacular in ancient Jerusalem.

27) And I did pride myself that I had not technically lied, notwithstanding I had intentionally deceived him in violation of Gospel Principles Chapter 31, for verily I felt that I had broken enough of the ten commandments already.

28) And it came to pass that when Laman, Lemuel, and Sam Harrison saw me they were exceedingly frightened, for behold they did see that I was covered in blood, and that my pupils were very tiny, and I did carry a sword that was covered in gore notwithstanding it being an ornamental sword only. And they saw that I brought with me the servant of Laban, and did fear that I might eat him alive before their very eyes, and that his heart might continue to beat after I ripped it from his living chest.

29) And their fear kept them in check.

30) And in that moment the eyes of the servant of Laban were opened that he did behold the blood and carnage upon me. And he realized that I had killed his pious master. And he did exclaim: holy shit, I'm going back to call the police!

31) And now I, Nephi, being a man large in stature, and also having received much strength of the Lord, therefore I did seize upon the servant of Laban, and held him, that he should not flee.

32) And it came to pass that I spake with him softly, that if he told anyone about us I was going to go Jeffrey Dahmer on his ass and fuck his corpse after I was done mutilating it. But if he would hearken unto our words and commands from that day henceforth, we would spare his life.

33) And behold his heart was softened, and we did go down, and he did enter unto the waters of baptism and was cleansed of all his iniquities, and he did receive the gift of the holy ghost under my hand. And thus our fears did cease concerning him, and I was relieved, for verily I did fear that he was going to turn me in, notwithstanding I had forced his hand by taking him to meet my brothers in the first place.

34) But to be sure, I did constrain him to take an oath that he would not reveal any of our secret combinations, otherwise he would agree that his throat be cut from ear to ear, his tongue torn out by its roots, his breast be torn open, his body cut asunder and all his bowels gush out, and his heart and vitals be torn out and given to the birds of the air and the beasts of the field.

35) And behold, he did bow his head in humility and say, yes. And I said unto him; That will do.

36) And we did take the servant of Laban back to the tent of our father, and his name was Zoram, for verily that was his name, and I did grow weary of writing "the servant of Laban" all the time, for verily I did realize that the day might come when I begin to run out of space on these plates, and that I should not waste any time on superfluous commentary.

37) For thus was it recommended unto me by my shrink, who insists that I was captured and remanded to an insane asylum after I put on Laban's blood-soaked clothing and went around showing myself to people. He insists that everything that happened in this book after that point is only in my head, and that people like Zoram and Helaman and Mormon and Moroni do not exist, for there is no physical or genetic evidence for them whatsoever even though archaeologists have searched for centuries. He keeps trying to tell me that there is no spirit ordering me to do things, like kill people, but whenever he does I simply look over to my left where the spirit of the Lord sits and it says, the only ones who are fully rejected, saith the Lord, are those who deny the Holy Spirit. And I try to strangle my shrink, but the guards tackle me and put me in a straight-jacket. It's nice here in the padded room with all the white pillowy wallpaper. My unicorn friends from the Old Testament come to visit me and we eat tea and crumpets and float around the room because not even the guards can force me to obey the law of gravity.

38) And it has caused me serious reflection, even now, how very strange it was that an obscure boy, of a little over fifteen years of age, should be thought a character of sufficient danger to attract the attention of the greatest psychiatrists of the time. It was nevertheless a fact that I beheld the spirit of the Lord. Some said I was dishonest, others said I was mad, but all of this did not destroy the reality of my delusions. I had actually heard a voice, and it did in reality command me to murder a helpless man passed out in the street, and though I was hated and persecuted for saying so, yet it was true. I knew it, and I knew that God knew it, and I could not deny it, neither dared I do it, for I knew that by so doing I would offend God and come in danger of condemnation, and would speedily be turned into a pillar of salt.