Mosiah, Chapter 12

1) And it came to pass that after the space of two years that Abinadi came among them in disguise, that they knew him not, and began to prophesy, saying: Thus has the Lord commanded me, saying - Abinadi, come up with a fake name and a completely believable cover story as to why a white Nephite is wandering around this land, and prophesy nasty things unto them, but be sure to not tell them that Abinadi is your actual name, okay Abinadi?

2) And after he had said this, the people looked at Abinadi and said, sure, that sounds reasonable, Abinadi.

3) And it came to pass that Abinadi began to prophesy a litany of nasty things that God was going to go out of his way to do unto them.

4) And the list was cliche and included a smorgasbord of threats taken from the Bible, such as, I will smite this, my chosen and covenant people, with sore afflictions, and famine, and pestilence, and that gosh darned east wind!

5) Yea, and I will cause that they shall be driven before like a bunch of dumb asses.

6) For I, God, do not wait around for bad things to happen naturally, that I may then offer solace, or give the opportunity to learn from natural consequences.

7) No, they clearly don't know who they're talking about, so let me clue them in. I do not just protect my people from danger. I am the danger. A guy opens his door and gets shot, and they wonder if I would keep it from happening? No. I am the one who knocks.

8) And it shall come to pass that except they repent I will utterly destroy them from off the face of the earth; yet they shall leave a record behind them, that I may expose their abominations a couple thousand years from now in a book that all the nations of the Earth are totally gonna want to read.

9) And it came to pass that the people thought Abinadi was pretty hilarious; and they took him and carried him before the king, and said unto the king: Behold, we have brought a man before thee who is definitely not Abinadi, that thou mayest be entertained by him as we have been.

10) And the king looked confused, and pointed his finger, and said; um, that's Abinadi.

11) And the people laughed, and shook their arms at him, saying, no, it's totally not. For behold, look at his disguise.

12) And the king said, how about we just assume that he is Abinadi and move forward?

13) And the people shrugged, and said; yea, that sounds good.

14) And the king asked of them, what are some of his best jokes?

15) And the people responded, saying; you know, thou art going to die a gruesome death and such for setting up a religious institution that extorts a significant percentage of money out of us without accountability or transparency, and then teaching us to defend the practice against naysayers at our own expense.

16) But behold, the king said, that doesn't sound very funny.

17) And it came to pass that king Noah caused that Abinadi should be cast into prison; and he commanded that the priests should gather themselves together, that they might hold a Court of Love, and decide if disfellowshipment was the best way to help Abinadi want to participate more in church activities.

18) And it came to pass that they said unto the king: Bring him hither, but make sure he agrees not to record the proceedings; and the king had him brought back out of prison after spending only about five minutes in it.

19) And they began to question him, that they might cause him to trip up over his own arguments, for it's not as if they had the power to order him burnt at the stake anyway; but he answered them boldly, and withstood all of their questions with non-answers, and did confound them in all their words.

20) And it came to pass that one of them said unto him: What meaneth the words which are written, and which have been recorded in sacred scripture, saying:

21) How fair and how pleasant art thou, O love, for delights!

22) This thy stature is like to a palm tree, and thy breasts to clusters of grapes.

23) I said, I will go up to the palm tree, I will take hold of the boughs thereof: now also thy breasts shall be as clusters of the vine, and the smell of thy nose like apples;

24) And the roof of thy mouth like the best wine for my beloved, that goeth down sweetly, causing the lips of those that are asleep to speak.

25) And now Abinadi said unto them: Are you priests, and pretend to teach this people, and to understand the spirit of prophesying, and yet desire to know of me what these things me?

26) And the priests answered him saying, no, we want to know what you have to say about it so we can cross you! Why would you think that we, sitting here in judgment, would ask a sincere question out of ignorance? You nimrod.

27) And it came to pass that Abinadi said unto them, well, I'm not even going to answer your question. In fact, I'm going to pull up tactic #27 for handling difficult questions and ask an unrelated question in return. What teach ye this people?

28) And they were dumbfounded, and said: We teach basic morality and Aristotelian Virtues.

29) And again he said unto them: Bah! Ye teach the law of Moses, so why do ye not keep it? Why do ye set your hearts upon riches? Why do ye commit whoredoms and spend your strength with harlots, yea, and cause this people to commit sin, that the Lord has cause to send me to prophesy against this people?

30) Know ye not that I speak the truth? Yea, ye know that I speak the truth; and you ought to tremble before God.

31) And it shall come to pass that ye shall be smitten for your iniquities, for ye have said that ye teach the law of Moses. And what know ye concerning the law of Moses? Doth salvation come by the law of Moses? What say ye?

32) And they answered and said, that was, like, seven questions in a row. Do you want us to start with answering the first and go from there, or...

33) But now Abinadi was louder and more persistent than they were, and said unto them: Silence! I have not finished preaching unto you! Let us start with the bedrock of antiquated Judaeo-Christian ethics - the Ten Commandments.

34) Thou shalt have no other God before me. Thou shalt not make sculptures or woodcarvings, or any likeliness of anything that is in heaven above or the earth beneath. Let me make this very clear. Thou shalt not only refrain from bowing down and worshiping them - thou shalt not even make them in the first place. Of anything.

35) Thou shalt not take the name of the Lord thy God in vain. Remember the sabbath day, in which I thy Lord and God did rest from all my labors, that thou mightest also keep it holy.

36) And now they interrupted him, saying, that is literally the worst foundation for a set of ethics and principles that we have ever heard. Whatever being has led out with such a list has not only proven himself insanely insecure and narcissistic, but he has done so while stripping his followers of the empowerment needed to develop their own virtues by establishing authoritarian-based morality.

37) Now Abinadi said unto them, Hypocrites! Have ye done all this? I say unto you, Nay, ye have not. And have ye taught this people that they should do all these things? I say unto you, Nay, ye have not. Wait a second...