2 Nephi, Chapter 12

1) The word that Isaiah, the son of Amoz, saw concerning Judah and Jerusalem:

2) Biatches. That is the word.

3) And it shall come to pass in the last days that the mountain of the Lord's house shall be established in the top of the mountains, and above all the hills, and all nations shall flow unto it, and out of it, for there must needs be a mass balance.

4) And whoso plucketh a blue flower before beginning the long ascent to the top of the mountain shall be rewarded with entry into the mountain which is atop another mountain, and the Lord's house which is at the very top of both doth contain a brotherhood of dark knights that seek to rule the Earth through subversion.

5) O that there were oxygen in the Lord's house!

6) Therefore, O Lord, thou hast forsaken thy people, the house of Jacob, because they allow migrants from the east into their lands, and welcome them with open arms, and engage in dialogue with them, and allow their children to play together.

7) Why kind of God art thou? That is some messed up shit!

8) Their land is full of altars, and temples made unto thee from the finest gold and silver, yea, they worship thee with the work of their own hands.

9) But because the foreigner boweth not down unto thee, though he be a Hindu or a Taoist, thou forgivest him not.

10) O ye wicked one, slit thy omnipotent wrist with a rock, and hide thy people who are in Jerusalem, for they are no better than thee because they do follow thy commands.

11) Biatches.

12) For ye claim that the day of the Lord of Hosts soon cometh upon all nations, yea, and this is clearly not the first coming, for that did verily occur in one nation alone, or two if ye count America.

13) But the second coming shall be global, and she wreak havok upon all the cedars of Lebanon, and all the cedars of Southern Utah as well.

14) And it shall wreak havok upon all the high mountains, and upon all the low mountains, and upon all the mountains that are in between.

15) And upon every high tower, and upon every fenced wall, and even upon every wall that doth not have a fence.

16) And upon all the ships of the sea, and upon all the ships of the land, and upon all pleasant pictures of a ship.

17) Nevertheless, it shall not occur for at least 2,600 years, but apparently that still qualifieth as soon in thy book.

18) And the idiots shall believe thee.

19) And when thou finally comest, the doubters and the skeptics shall go into the holes of the rocks, and into the caves of the earth, for the fear of the Lord shall come upon them because he doth threaten to smite them, and shake terribly the earth.

20) But I don't doubt thee, O Lord. I believe in thee. I just think thou art a dick.

21) To chase people into the clefts of the rocks, and to smite them, and to shake terribly the earth, not because they ever did aught against their fellow man, but because of their empirical beliefs about reality, derived from their own personal life experiences.

22) Cease ye from man. Biatch.