1 Nephi, Chapter 15

1) And it came to pass that after the mushrooms wore off, I returned to the tent of my father.

2) And it came to pass that I beheld my brethren, and they were in the attitude of saying that they did not think they could believe in the words of my father any more, for verily he could no longer be referred to as our father.

3) For he truly spake many nonsensical things unto them, which were hard to be understood, save a man should be filled with the spirit, and they being hard in their hearts, therefore they did not view the Lord as they ought.

4) And now iNephi was grieved for the hardness of their hearts, for I did think that the muscular tissue did need to be soft for the blood to be pumped through their arteries, and I did fear that they were suffering a stroke, or a heart attack, but a quick check of their pulses did reveal that they were not.

5) And it came to pass that I was overcome because of my afflictions, for I considered that mine afflictions were great above theirs, and I dismissed their concerns outright.

6) And it came to pass that I spiraled into depression, and I was overcome with cognitive dissonance, and I did lock myself into my room and did listen to Kenneth Cope for hours on end, and when I felt spiritually rejuvenated I came out desiring to know of them the cause of their concerns.

7) And they said: Behold, we cannot understand why a prophet would be commanded to take other men's wives.

8) And I said unto them: Have ye inquired of the Lord?

9) And they said unto me: Yea, but the Lord maketh no such thing known unto us.

10) Behold, I said unto them: It is because ye have not kept the commandments of the Lord!  How is it that ye can expect Him to speak unto you if ye are not worthy?

11) Do ye not also remember that ye must ask in faith, with real intent, believing that ye shall receive, with diligence in keeping His commandments, and then and only then shall these things be made known unto you?

12) And they said unto me: Isn't that logic circular?  Shouldn't we receive evidence before we live our lives according to a particular belief system?  Yea, and our father's beliefs are only one among millions of belief systems around the world, and we do not have time to live all of them.  Yea, hast thou spent sufficient time living as a Hindu before praying and finding out if that, instead, is the correct religion?

13) And I said unto them: It mattereth not that I should try Hinduism, for I have already tried our father's beliefs, and received the answer that they are the true ones.  I shall admit that I am very lucky to have hit the jackpot on my very first try, but it doth not change the fact that there no longer remaineth any need to try any other religion.

14) And they said unto me: But what if thou dost try another religion, and receivest the selfsame answer that it is the correct one?  Will this not contradict thy first answer and prove that thy method for determining truth is inherently flawed?

15) And I answered them, saying: That is impossible, and therefore is not worth the experiment, for I already know that my method for determining truth is perfect, and I know it via the method I have used, and ye cannot say my method is not perfect, for ye are not me, and have not experienced what I have experienced, and it is something that cannot be explained but must be felt.

16) And my brethren gave up, for they beheld that they had lost, and instead turned to their original argument, saying: but what of taking other men's wives?  Is this practice not in contradiction with D&C Section 132, which explicitly forbids a woman from having more than one living husband?

17) And I said unto them: This is what that scripture meaneth, it meaneth that a woman can only be sealed to one man, but she may be legally married to two or more at the same time.  For this cause shall the prophet be persecuted, even though he shall have done nothing wrong.

18) And they said unto me: But the governing laws of the State of Illinois in the latter days shall expressly forbid polygamy in all its forms, even under circumstantial evidence of a second marriage, such as cohabitation, and doth this not prove that any of his secular marriages, if they were solemnized at all, were illegal, and thus adulterous according to the covenant made in the holy temple which requires them to be "legally and lawfully wed?"

19) And it came to pass that iNephi spake unto them concerning the rules of evidence; yeah, and I did inform them that, although many firsthand accounts of sexual relations exist, it cannot be definitively proven that the prophet shall have sex with any of his wives except his first, for we shall not be there in person to verify it.

20) And I did rehearse unto them the explanations I had been taught by my father in my youth, that polygamy was only instituted because there were many widows, and because the Lord needed to increase the birth rate, and because it was required to cause enmity between the church and society, insomuch that the church should be cast out into isolation, and this that they might build up a strong center from which to launch their global campaign!  And my brethren did humble themselves, and did withdraw unto Google to find out that I was right.

21) And it came to pass that they did speak unto me again, saying: There were more men than women in Utah, by a large margin, and this trend did persist decade after decade throughout the polygamy era.

22) And I was grieved at the stubbornness of their hearts, and said unto them, but they still needed to raise up seed!

23) And they said unto me: Wouldn't polygyny give each woman less time with her husband, thus lowering her probability of conception?  Yea, and studies show that for each woman added to a polygamous marriage, the average number of children born to each woman within that marriage decreases by one?  Wouldn't it make more sense to simply allow every woman to have one husband, thus increasing the overall population?

24) And I said unto them that it was the will of God, and whoso would hearken unto the will of God, even if it was very difficult and did not make sense at the time, they would never perish, neither would God send them down unto destruction, to suffer the fiery darts of the adversary, who should overpower them unto blindness.

25) Wherefore, iNephi, with all the energies of my soul, did ask my brothers if they would be willing to obey the commands of the Lord in all things, even if it ran contrary to all the faculties that they possessed.

26) And they said unto me: No. Fuck that.

27) And I said unto them: That's why ye receiveth not an answer, and why the Lord has abandoned you.  Only when ye shall admit that ye are wrong, humble yourselves, and promise that ye are willing to have sex with multiple women behind your wife's back if the Lord should command it, or give your own wife unto the prophet when he is commanded by the Lord to take her, then and only then shall the Lord reveal unto you that ye were wrong.

28) And I said unto them that this was the awful gulf which separated them from their testimonies of the gospel which they once had had.

29) And I said unto them that if they did not recognize that Joseph Smith was a humble, obedient saint, and not a powerful sex addict, then they should be cast into that awful hell, which the angel said unto me was prepared for the wicked.

30) And I said unto them that I knew they were deceived by Satan, for the light in their eyes had gone out, and they had become bitter, angry, and indignant, unwilling to forgive the prophet of sins they did not understand, and I foresaw that they should burn in a fire that ascendeth up forever and ever, and hath no end.

31) And they said unto me: Doth this fire mean the torment of the body here on Earth, during our lives, or doth it mean the torment of the soul after we shall die?

32) And it came to pass that I said unto them:  Both.

33) Wherefore, it sucks to be you.  And there is no going back and forth between heaven and hell.  Once you're in hell, you're stuck there, and God doth not want you anymore.

34) For the kingdom of God is not filthy, and there cannot any unclean thing enter into it.  The only souls allowed are people like Joseph Smith and the teenage girls he thrust his dick into during this life, coercing them with promises of salvation for their families and threats of destruction should they disobey.  Wherefore, there must needs be a place of filthiness prepared for those that turned him down, and also for people like you.

35) And notwithstanding that awful hell of which I have spoken shall be later defined as spirit prison, which cometh before the resurrection and final judgment, which judgment determineth each person's ultimate degree of glory, according to the plan of salvation, nevertheless, this hell, or spirit prison, is the final state of the souls men.  I repeat.  Final.  State.  The end.

36) Wherefore, even if eleventy-billions years from now ye should change your minds and start performing good works, helping poor orphans in hell to minimize their torments and find happiness and sing praises unto the Lord, and even if ye should do this for eleventy-billion years straight, even so ye should not get into heaven.  And if after those same eleventy-billion years Joseph Smith should get bored with his wives, and begin raping new babies that enter into heaven, yea, and even if he should mutilate and torture and rape every baby in heaven for another eleventy-billion years, all the while cursing God's name, even so he should not be thrust down to hell.  And thus it is.  Amen.