Friday, January 15, 2016

2 Nephi, Chapter 29

1) But behold, and this is God speaking in case I didn't make that clear, there shall be outrage at that day when I shall proceed to give a marvelous policy unto them, that I may remember the baptismal covenants which I shall have made unto the children of men who are married to other men. I shall set my hand again the second time to prevent these innocent children from entering into covenants with me in the first place, they which are living in the houses of gay parents.

2) I will remember that this shall have been going on in other nations where gay marriage shall have already been legal for many years, but it will take Obergefell-v-Hodges to bring it to my full attention, and I shall hiss forth unto them who are in the ends of the earth, yea, I shall boo and hiss at the spawn of homos until they shall turn eighteen and openly renounce their parents.

3) And because I shall hiss, many of my people shall say: A Penis! A Penis! We have got a Penis, and there cannot be any more Penis!

4) But thus saith the Lord God, which is me by the way: they shall have a Penis; but as to the number of Vaginas there shall be no limit, just so long as there is one, and only one Penis. More or less is wicked.

5) O ye fools, have ye remembered the children who have to grow up with these people as their parents? Behold, they come to church and are taught that their parents are stupid faggots, and then they go home and see that their parents are just normal people living their lives and loving like everyone else. Behold, I would not that these children should learn tolerance at such an early age, therefore I shall forbid them from the gift of baptism and the Holy Ghost.

6) Thou fool, that shall say: A Policy, we have got a Policy, and it is not Doctrine! Have ye obtained a Policy save it were by the Prophet?

7) Know ye not that Elder Nelson hath said that this particular policy came as direct revelation from God, that the prophet and apostles prayed about it in the temple, and that the spirit came over them exactly in the same manner as it did in 1978?

8) Wherefore murmur ye, because that ye shall receive bigoted revelation from God? Know ye not that this is the same reason black people were banned from the temple, and that women are banned from leadership positions? Wherefore, I speak in the exact same way unto one generation like unto another, to the prophet as well as to the eight-year-old child whose parents are not fags. Through feelings.

9) And I do this that I may prove unto many that they cannot know if my revelations actually come from me or if they are just manifestations of hateful feelings retained by their leaders. And just because I have not spoken one word in the first-person since your prophet was a suspected con man, ye need not suppose that meaneth that I do not still speak to your prophet in my own touchy-feely way from time to time.

10) Wherefore, because that ye have a Revelation ye need not suppose that it contains my words exactly; neither need ye suppose that I shall not provide a clarification if it is leaked to the media.

11) For I, the Lord your God, I command all men, both prophets and deacons, in the temple and in the meetinghouses, that they should follow my words exactly. And if I wasn't clear enough the first time, or didn't get it quite right, then I give unto them different words. I'm not perfect, after all.

12) But behold, I speak unto the quorum of the twelve, and they write, and it usually doesn't quite match what I said. Are they hard of hearing? Are feelings that hard to understand?

13) And it shall come to pass that the bishops shall have the words of the apostles; and the ex-Mormon shall have the words of the bishops; and John Dehlin shall have the words of the ex-Mormon; and once John Dehlin has my words, then everybody and their dog shall have my words.

14) And it shall come to pass that my people, which shall lose their shit over this, shall be gathered home unto Salt Lake City, and shall resign by the thousands. And my people shall say that the only ones who are pissed are those who were inactive anyway, but an internal survey of young Millennial believers shall say otherwise.

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