Wednesday, August 12, 2015

1 Nephi, Chapter 7

1) And now I would that ye might know, that after my father, Lehi, had made an end of prophesying about events that were by definition unknowable according to the principle of free agency, that he did realize that his puritanical views would forever deprive him of grandchildren, which was one of his prophecies, and he did admit that it was meet that we also have sex like unto him.

2) And it came to pass that the Lord commanded him that iNephi, and my brethren, should go back down to Jerusalem like unto the seven brothers, and compel seven brides to come back with us, for the Lord had realized that he had not thought through his plan very well when he commanded us to leave Jerusalem alone in the first place, and did verily need to make a story correction.

3) And it came to pass that iNephi did smite my own forehead and did say: duh!

4) And we went back unto the house of Isaac Hale and did easily convince him to join us, notwithstanding my father had already preached to everyone in the city and could find none who would believe.

5) And Isaac did have the same number of children as Joseph Smith Sr., and he did have two older sons who were already married, but I was mostly interested in his third daughter.  And his family came with us and basically committed to marry us, notwithstanding we had just converted them.

6) And it came to pass that as we journeyed in the wilderness, behold Lemuel and one of the sons of Isaac did rebel against us; yea, against me, and Sam Harrison, and their father, and his wife, and his daughters, and against God, and against nature, and against everything decent society had ever stood for.

7) For it came to pass that they decided they wanted to be married.  To each other.

8) And now iNephi, being okay with their feelings but grieved by their wicked choice to express them, therefore I spake unto them, saying: how is it that ye desire to insert thy cocks into a man's anus? Are ye not afraid of aids? Behold, doth not a vagina have much more to offer? Behold, ye are mine elder brethren, and how is it that I know the difference between sexy and gross, and ye do not? What sins have ye committed to become vile and twisted in this manner, and how it is that righteousness cometh easier unto me?

9) How is it that I, your younger brother, am straight, while ye are not?

10) How is it that ye have forgotten that ye once had a testimony?

11) Yea, and how is it that ye have forgotten that I decapitated Laban and stole his tablet? How cool is that?

12) Yea, and how is it that ye have lost the spirit, for that naive glossy look hath been taken away from your eyes, and ye have become as real people having real emotions, and half of these emotions are proof that the devil worketh in you.

13) But if it so be that ye exercise faith in the Lord, and deny yourselves of love, and become celebate for the rest of your days, then as the Lord liveth ye shall discover an attraction for the opposite sex in the next life, and only then shall ye experience true fulfillment. And ye shall find a woman which shall be sealed to you, although the church doth not practice sealings unto those who were not married in this life.

14) Now behold, ye may return unto Jerusalem to be married, for it is legal there, but I shall not support you, nor shall I attend your reception, for my morality is superior to your happiness and familial support.

15) And also, if ye return to Jerusalem, ye shall die, and although ye do not believe in the prophecies of our father, it is more important that ye live according to them anyway, for it is more important that ye follow my counsel rather than live according to the dictates of your own consciences. Ye must not marry how, where, or what ye may. I verily forbid it, and will forever lobby to take away your freedom to worship your God through this religious rite.

16) And it came to pass that when I, Nephi, had spoken these words unto my brethren, they were angry with me, and I understood not why. Yea, they spoke unto me saying: we will not return to Jerusalem, because... well... we just won't! Instead of simply walking away, like anyone else in our position would have done long ago, we're going to torture you, because we delight in actions that make no sense whatsoever!

17) And they did tie me to a tree, and did bring one of the sons of Isaac who was also gay, and did force me to marry him, for behold they would not rest until they had imposed their morality on me, and they did redefine marriage upon me, and I did weep bitterly unto the Lord for deliverance.

18) And it came to pass that the Lord spake unto me, saying: Just don't say "I do!" And when they asked me if I took the son of Isaac to husband, verily I did not answer.

19) And it came to pass that they were angry with me again, and did push me to the ground and press their knees upon my chest that I could not move, and they did remove their undergarments and tea bag me, and Lemuel's testicles did rub back and forth against my eyes.

20) And the son of Isaac's dick did become engorged, insomuch that it was a boner of impressive stature, and he did force it into my mouth, in and out, and I did gag, and he said unto me I'll make a homosexual out of you yet, and I did perform fellatio until he came, and he ejaculated his seed into the back of my throat where I did reflexively swallow, and cum did also run through my beard. And thus we see the true agenda of the gay community.

21) Okay, not really. I let them get married because society was already moving in that direction and there was nothing I could do to stop it. I was forced to acknowledge their union, but I didn't have to like it, and if they hadn't gotten their way I'm pretty sure they would have done all those things I just mentioned. And it came to pass that I frankly forgave them for getting married, even though I knew God wouldn't.

22) And it came to pass that we did come down unto the tent of our father, and I was very sorrowful, nevertheless we did burn another helpless animal in thanks to our God for not allowing my brothers to force me to perform unwanted sex acts. And my brothers did not join the celebration.

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