tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-49671241656575269892024-03-14T01:04:11.048-07:00The Zelph Smith Translation of the Book of MormonZelph Smithhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11382676913326516286noreply@blogger.comBlogger81125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4967124165657526989.post-60724703351484574752019-01-27T10:38:00.001-08:002019-01-27T10:38:50.056-08:00Mosiah, Chapter 141) Yea, even doth not Isaiah say, flipping ahead to chapter fifty-three in these plates I can't possibly be holding: <i>Who is the subject of this chapter? Is it Jesus Christ? Nay, it is all of Israel represented in the third-person singular masculine, for that is the context I clearly established in the last chapter.</i><br />
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2) <i>Yea, in chapter fifty-two I said that because Israel is in captivity we must flee and integrate ourselves among other nations. How did these passages come into the possession of the Nephites, who fled Jerusalem before the captivity even occurred? Why, it must have come from the Mulekites! Duh.</i><br />
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3) <i>He, meaning Israel, is despised and rejected of men; a man of sorrows, and acquainted with grief, and well he should be after the many genocides he hath committed in this land.</i><br />
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4) <i>Surely he has borne our griefs, and carried our sorrows; yet we did forget that Jesus had not yet come at the time of this writing, and did not think twice about the use of the past tense.</i><br />
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5) <i>And Israel, the nation, was wounded for our transgressions, it was bruised for our iniquities, the chastisement that was upon it brought us peace, for with its stripes are we subdued.</i><br />
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6) <i>All we, like sheep, have gone astray; we have turned every one to his own way; and the Lord punished Israel. If I had created a bunch of people and every single one of them failed I wouldn't lay all the blame on them, but I am not the Lord.</i><br />
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7) <i>Israel was oppressed, and afflicted, yet it opened not its mouth; the Lord brought it as a lamb to the slaughter, and as a sheep before her shearers is dumb so Israel failed to do jack shit to stand up for itself.</i><br />
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8) <i>And the Lord was pretty happy to see that, so he took us from prison, and from judgment; and who protested? Not Israel.</i><br />
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9) <i>For Israel was and had always been God's little bitch.</i><br />
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10) <i>Yea, it pleased the Lord to bruise him; he hath put him to grief and enjoyed every minute of it, and the pleasure of the Lord shall prosper in his hand.</i><br />
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11) <i>For the Lord delighteth in people who are submissive, and obedient, and who do not think for themselves or exercise initiative.</i><br />
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12) <i>Therefore the people shall exercise initiative to change the meaning of this entire chapter, that thereby they may be strong, and whole, and that it is not they but the Lord who is the little bitch, and a new world religion shall be born.</i>Zelph Smithhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11382676913326516286noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4967124165657526989.post-63199043397796044892018-07-22T10:12:00.000-07:002018-07-22T12:00:45.004-07:00Mosiah, Chapter 131) And now when the king had tired of Abinadi's ravings, he said unto his priests: <i>Away with this chap, comma, and slay him, semicolon, for what have we to do with him, comma, for he is mad, comma, and we slay mad people. </i><br />
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2) And the transcriber did cringe, for the king was attempting to force him to overpunctuate. And behold, the priests stood forth and attempted to lay their hands on Abinadi; but he withstood them, and said unto them:<br />
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3) <i>Touch me not, for God shall kill you if ye lay your hands upon me, for while He shall not save a child from abuse, He shall save a judgmental asshole from the natural consequences of his threats and insults. Neither will God suffer that I shall be destroyed before I answer your questions, which I have no intention of ever doing. So neiner, neiner, neiner. </i><br />
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4) <i>Because ye are angry with me I know that I have spoken the truth, for there is no other reason for anger except against truth. And because I have spoken of a narcissistic God with contradictory laws ye have judged me that I am mad, but ye dare not lay your hands upon me, for the Spirit of the Lord is upon me, and it would burn thee like a popcorn in a microwave that was accidentally set for ten minutes instead of one.</i><br />
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5) Now it came to pass that after Abinadi had spoken these words that the priests looked at each other, and then at the jaguars that lay at Noah's feet, and then with one accord they snapped their fingers, and Abinadi was mauled to death before their eyes. And behold, they were covered by flying organs, and the spleen did hit Noah in the face.<br />
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6) And the reader was spared the painful rehash of the Ten Commandments plagiarized directly out of a version of the Bible that wouldn't be written for another two Millenia.<br />
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<u>Less-Believable Alternate Ending</u><br />
7) And it came to pass that Abinadi's face shone with three-thousand lumens, even as Moses' did while in the mount of Sinai while speaking with the Lord, or at least after he got back, for nobody had been on the mount with him to see if was shining while up there or not.<br />
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8) And the priests of Noah did believe Abinadi, for they had just witnessed an unquestionable miracle. Behold, there was not a single skeptic in the crowd willing to go up and test Abinadi's claim, for they would not prove him by even sending a condemned prisoner to give the luminary a poke. Nevertheless, despite their absolute belief, they did not believe.<br />
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9) And Abinadi did continue speaking, saying, <i>I finish my message; and then it mattereth not to me what happens to you so long as I am saved. For behold, my motives are fundamentally selfish in nature.</i><br />
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10) <i>But this much I tell you, what ye do with me shall be a type and a shadow of things which are to come. Therefore, I would strongly recommend that ye get me nice and drunk and fuck me to death with a hundred beautiful women.</i><br />
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11) <i>And now I read unto you from these plates. And these plates I am carrying in my bound hands, and they did magically appear out of nowhere, for there is no way I could have smuggled them into and out of prison with me. Yea, and I do read from these plates that did suddenly materialize, for I don't know the commandments well enough to recite them from memory.</i><br />
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12) <i>And now, ye remember that in the last chapter I said that thou shalt not make unto thee any graven image of things which are in heaven above, or which are in the earth beneath? Well, I forgot to add things which are in the water under the earth. So I'm saying it now. Don't sculpt images of things in the groundwater either.</i><br />
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13) <i>And again. Or is this the first time? I don't remember. Again, thou shalt not bow down thyself unto them, nor serve them, for I the Lord thy God am really fucking embarrassed for you when ye do stupid shit like that, so just don't. If ye do, I shall visit your posterity with a sore cursing unto the third and fourth generation, as is my modus operandi!</i><br />
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14) <i>Also as is my M.O., I show mercy unto those that love me and keep my commandments! Well, that is, unless they are within the third and fourth generation of an idol worshiper, in which case they are stuck with their ancestors' sore cursing. Fuck those guys.</i><br />
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15) <i>Thou shalt not take the name of the Lord thy God in vain, and if ye do, for Christ's sake give it back!</i><br />
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16) <i>Remember the sabbath day, to keep it holy. It's very simple. Don't forget which day that is and start celebrating on the Sun-worshippers' Day or I shall become really pissed!</i><br />
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17) <i>Six days shalt thou labor, no more, no less. Six shall be the number thou shalt work, and the number of the working shall be six. Seven shalt thou not work, neither workest thou five, excepting that thou thence proceed to six.</i><br />
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18) <i>But the seventh day thou shalt not do any work, thou, nor thy son, nor thy daughter, nor thy man-slave, nor thy woman-slave, nor thy tapir, nor thy sock puppet, nor thy stranger that is within thy gates; Nevertheless I did not mention thy wife. A man's gotta eat.</i><br />
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19) <i>For in six days the Lord made heaven and earth, and the sea, and a couple of other things I'm sure; wherefore the Lord consecrated the sabbath day for all thy church meetings, and all thy ministerings, and all thy firesides, for the Lord did not rest upon the seventh day that thou mayest sit upon thine ass!</i><br />
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20) <i>Honor thy father and thy mother, that thy days may be long upon the land, for the day truly drags on forever unto he who visits his parents.</i><br />
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21) <i>Thou shalt not kill.</i><br />
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22) <i>Unless God wants you to. Thought I would include that. Same with adultery. Concubines are totally cool if you're God's top man, but otherwise, nyooooo. And stealing? ....well, define stealing.</i><br />
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23) <i>Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbor. Nevertheless thou art totally cool with bearing false witness in favor of him. Especially if he starts a global religion.</i><br />
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24) <i>And last but not least, thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's house, nor his wife, nor his slaves, nor his cattle, nor his penis, nor anything that is thy neighbor's except it be his faith, his testimony, or the essential oils that he is offering to you for the low price of only $69.99!</i><br />
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25) And it came to pass that after Abinadi had made an end of these sayings that he made a beginning of other sayings without any pause between the two.<br />
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26) <i>I say unto you, have ye taught this people to observe whether they do these things or not? Don't answer that question, for it is rhetorical!</i><br />
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27) <i>I did not come forth to prophesy evil concerning you that ye might have a chance to point out how evil it actually is!</i><br />
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28) <i>And now, let me point out a few, shall we say, contradictions in what I have taught you. For I have said that salvation cometh through obedience to the commandments, but what I meant to say was that salvation cometh through the atonement, for it must needs be that Jesus is the only way to get into heaven.</i><br />
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29) <i>Therefore the law which has been given is no more than an excuse God uses to condemn everybody, and thus, having arbitrarily placed every person in the position where they must unavoidably perish, God hath set up the system whereby all must be smitten lest they bow before Him, and worship Him, and remember Him all the time.</i><br />
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30) <i>Therefore there was a law given, yea, a law of performances and of ordinances, a law which we are to observe strictly from day to day, to keep us subjugated unto God and our duty towards Him, all for no other reason than to watch us fail.</i><br />
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31) <i>But behold, I say unto you that all these things are a type for those who really have control over you, which are the cult leaders.</i><br />
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32) <i>And now, do they understand this trap? Don't answer that, for it is also rhetorical, and the wrong answer might spark rebellion within your hearts if ye truly understand that there can not any any man be saved except it be through the redemption of God. Rebellion would be failing to conform to the tractable nature that God has wanted from you ever since Old Testament times.</i><br />
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33) <i>For behold, did not Moses prophesy concerning the coming of the Messiah? Don't answer that questions either! Yea, for I fear that ye might point out that he did not, neither is there any reference in the Old Testament to a messiah anywhere, except for those passages which have been taken out of context and twisted by Christians to make them appear so.</i><br />
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34) <i>Has the Old Testament not said that God himself should come down among the children of men, and take upon him the form of man, and go forth in mighty power upon the face of the earth, and bring to pass the resurrection of the dead?</i><br />
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35) <i>That is correct. It has not said that.</i>Zelph Smithhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11382676913326516286noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4967124165657526989.post-59914142858877082722018-07-16T18:12:00.000-07:002018-07-16T18:12:47.844-07:00Mosiah, Chapter 121) And it came to pass that after the space of two years that Abinadi came among them in disguise, that they knew him not, and began to prophesy, saying: <i>Thus has the Lord commanded me, saying - Abinadi, come up with a fake name and a completely believable cover story as to why a white Nephite is wandering around this land, and prophesy nasty things unto them, but be sure to not tell them that Abinadi is your actual name, okay Abinadi?</i><br />
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2) And after he had said this, the people looked at Abinadi and said, <i>sure, that sounds reasonable, Abinadi.</i><br />
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3) And it came to pass that Abinadi began to prophesy a litany of nasty things that God was going to go out of his way to do unto them.<br />
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4) And the list was cliche and included a smorgasbord of threats taken from the Bible, such as, <i>I will smite this, my chosen and covenant people, with sore afflictions, and famine, and pestilence, and that gosh darned east wind!</i><br />
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5) <i>Yea, and I will cause that they shall be driven before like a bunch of dumb asses.</i><br />
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6) <i>For I, God, do not wait around for bad things to happen naturally, that I may then offer solace, or give the opportunity to learn from natural consequences.</i><br />
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7) <i>No, they clearly don't know who they're talking about, so let me clue them in. I do not just protect my people from danger. I <b>am</b> the danger. A guy opens his door and gets shot, and they wonder if I would keep it from happening? No. I am the one who knocks.</i><br />
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8) <i>And it shall come to pass that except they repent I will utterly destroy them from off the face of the earth; yet they shall leave a record behind them, that I may expose their abominations a couple thousand years from now in a book that all the nations of the Earth are totally gonna want to read.</i><br />
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9) And it came to pass that the people thought Abinadi was pretty hilarious; and they took him and carried him before the king, and said unto the king: <i>Behold, we have brought a man before thee who is definitely not Abinadi, that thou mayest be entertained by him as we have been.</i><br />
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10) And the king looked confused, and pointed his finger, and said; <i>um, that's Abinadi.</i><br />
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11) And the people laughed, and shook their arms at him, saying, <i>no, it's totally not. For behold, look at his disguise.</i><br />
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12) And the king said, <i>how about we just assume that he is Abinadi and move forward?</i><br />
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13) And the people shrugged, and said; <i>yea, that sounds good.</i><br />
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14) And the king asked of them, <i>what are some of his best jokes?</i><br />
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15) And the people responded, saying; <i>you know, thou art going to die a gruesome death and such for setting up a religious institution that extorts a significant percentage of money out of us without accountability or transparency, and then teaching us to defend the practice against naysayers at our own expense.</i><br />
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16) But behold, the king said, <i>that doesn't sound very funny.</i><br />
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17) And it came to pass that king Noah caused that Abinadi should be cast into prison; and he commanded that the priests should gather themselves together, that they might hold a Court of Love, and decide if disfellowshipment was the best way to help Abinadi want to participate more in church activities.<br />
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18) And it came to pass that they said unto the king: Bring him hither, but make sure he agrees not to record the proceedings; and the king had him brought back out of prison after spending only about five minutes in it.<br />
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19) And they began to question him, that they might cause him to trip up over his own arguments, for it's not as if they had the power to order him burnt at the stake anyway; but he answered them boldly, and withstood all of their questions with non-answers, and did confound them in all their words.<br />
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20) And it came to pass that one of them said unto him: <i>What meaneth the words which are written, and which have been recorded in sacred scripture, saying:</i><br />
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21) <i>How fair and how pleasant art thou, O love, for delights!</i><br />
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22) <i>This thy stature is like to a palm tree, and thy breasts to clusters of grapes.</i><br />
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23) <i>I said, I will go up to the palm tree, I will take hold of the boughs thereof: now also thy breasts shall be as clusters of the vine, and the smell of thy nose like apples;</i><br />
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24) <i>And the roof of thy mouth like the best wine for my beloved, that goeth down sweetly, causing the lips of those that are asleep to speak.</i><br />
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25) And now Abinadi said unto them: <i>Are you priests, and pretend to teach this people, and to understand the spirit of prophesying, and yet desire to know of me what these things me?</i><br />
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26) And the priests answered him saying, <i>no, we want to know what you have to say about it so we can cross you! Why would you think that we, sitting here in judgment, would ask a sincere question out of ignorance? You nimrod.</i><br />
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27) And it came to pass that Abinadi said unto them, <i>well, I'm not even going to answer your question. In fact, I'm going to pull up tactic #27 for handling difficult questions and ask an unrelated question in return. What teach ye this people?</i><br />
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28) And they were dumbfounded, and said: <i>We teach basic morality and Aristotelian Virtues.</i><br />
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29) And again he said unto them: <i>Bah! Ye teach the law of Moses, so why do ye not keep it? Why do ye set your hearts upon riches? Why do ye commit whoredoms and spend your strength with harlots, yea, and cause this people to commit sin, that the Lord has cause to send me to prophesy against this people?</i><br />
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30) <i>Know ye not that I speak the truth? Yea, ye know that I speak the truth; and you ought to tremble before God.</i><br />
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31) <i>And it shall come to pass that ye shall be smitten for your iniquities, for ye have said that ye teach the law of Moses. And what know ye concerning the law of Moses? Doth salvation come by the law of Moses? What say ye?</i><br />
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32) And they answered and said, <i>that was, like, seven questions in a row. Do you want us to start with answering the first and go from there, or...</i><br />
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33) But now Abinadi was louder and more persistent than they were, and said unto them: <i>Silence! I have not finished preaching unto you! Let us start with the bedrock of antiquated Judaeo-Christian ethics - the Ten Commandments.</i><br />
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34) <i>Thou shalt have no other God before me. Thou shalt not make sculptures or woodcarvings, or any likeliness of anything that is in heaven above or the earth beneath. Let me make this very clear. Thou shalt not only refrain from bowing down and worshiping them - thou shalt not even make them in the first place. Of anything.</i><br />
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35) <i>Thou shalt not take the name of the Lord thy God in vain. Remember the sabbath day, in which I thy Lord and God did rest from all my labors, that thou mightest also keep it holy.</i><br />
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36) And now they interrupted him, saying, <i>that is literally the worst foundation for a set of ethics and principles that we have ever heard. Whatever being has led out with such a list has not only proven himself insanely insecure and narcissistic, but he has done so while stripping his followers of the empowerment needed to develop their own virtues by establishing authoritarian-based morality.</i><br />
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37) Now Abinadi said unto them, <i>Hypocrites! Have ye done all this? I say unto you, Nay, ye have not. And have ye taught this people that they should do all these things? I say unto you, Nay, ye have not. Wait a second...</i><br />
<br />Zelph Smithhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11382676913326516286noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4967124165657526989.post-24100414537296039862018-03-02T14:40:00.002-08:002018-03-03T11:46:25.350-08:00Mosiah, Chapter 111) And now it came to pass that Zeniff, being a sound judge of character, conferred the kingdom upon Noah, one of his sons; therefore Noah began to reign in his stead; but he did not walk in the ways of his father.<br />
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2) For behold, rather than commit massacres upon the Lamanites, he did opt to establish free love among his own people, yea, and by legalizing extramarital sex he did cause his people to commit the third most grievous sin.<br />
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3) And he laid a flat tax of 20%, which was burdensome to the very poor, but the people had not yet developed the idea of a graduate tax, therefore it was reasonable. However, the people had grown accustomed to Zeniff's 15% rate, and were grieved to surrender an entire fifth part of their gold, and of their silver, and of their copper, and brass, and iron, and ziff. They were particularly miffed about the ziff.<br />
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4) And all this, every last senine, did Noah take to support himself, and his wives and his concubines; and also his priests, and their wives and their concubines; thus he had cut all spending for the border patrols his father used to finance.<br />
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5) For he put down all the priests that had been consecrated by his father, because they did not approve of his spending plan, and consecrated new and far more expensive priests in their steads.<br />
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6) Yea, and thus was the spending plan simplified to only include one line item - administrative compensation; thus did the people labor exceedingly to support the few at the top.<br />
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7) However, they did not seem to mind so much, because they were deceived by the vain and flattering words of the king and priests; for they did speak complimentary and flattering things unto them, insomuch that the people were quite happy.<br />
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8) And it came to pass that king Noah built many elegant and spacious public buildings; and he ornamented them with fine works of wood, and of all manner of precious things, of gold, and of silver, and of iron, and of brass, and of copper, and especially of ziff.<br />
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9) And he also built him a spacious palace with a throne in which he could conduct public hearings, and the throne was ornamented with gold, and with silver, and with precious things like ziff.<br />
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10) And he also caused that his workmen should work all manner of fine work on the temple, of bronze statues, and of elaborate paintings, and of brass oxen, and of crystal chandeliers, which was actually a waste of resources, but at least it did not contain any ziff, for verily they had run out.<br />
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11) And the seats which were set apart for the high priests were especially wasteful, for he did cause them to be complemented by cushions, and by armrests, and by footstools. And behold, because of these ergonomic features they had truly ripened in iniquity!<br />
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12) And it came to pass that he built a tower near the temple; yea, a very high tower, much like King Benjamin's, and it was so high that he could stand upon the top thereof and overlook the land of Shilom, and also the land of Shemlon, and he could see the Lamanites approaching from any direction, which was quite useful as a defensive measure.<br />
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13) And it came to pass that he caused many buildings to be built in the land Shilom, of various uses, including a great tower on the hill north of the land Shilom, which was where the Lamanites invaded in the last chapter, another good vantage point, and this greatly reduced the number of patrols required to keep watch over the land, thus freeing up resources to go into other projects.<br />
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14) And it came to pass that he constructed all these buildings and temples and towers throughout the land without any funding whatsoever, for it had already been established that he was routing all the tax money to himself and his priests; therefore the people were verily impressed with his managerial skills and fiscal prowess, thus they did admit that he deserved his compensation, for everyone was reaping the rewards.<br />
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15) And it came to pass that he planted vineyards round about in the land; and he built wine-presses, and made wine in abundance for himself and all his people; and therefore he did establish another great and useful industry, especially considering the pathogens that had begun to become abundant in the water supply.<br />
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16) And it came to pass that the Lamanites began to come in upon his people in small raiding parties, and to slay them in their fields, and while they were tending their flocks.<br />
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17) And king Noah sent guards round about the land to keep them off, which was great and all, but he did not send a sufficient number, and the Lamanites came upon them and killed them.<br />
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18) But king Noah quickly reassessed the situation and sent a larger army against them, and they were driven back. Wait, no, scratch that, I meant to say they drove them back - you know what I mean - but only for a time; therefore they returned rejoicing in their spoil, which is to say their own lands.<br />
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19) And now, at this point ye may be thinking that king Noah was actually doing a pretty decent job running the kingdom, building the economy, and protecting his people from threats, but let us not forgot the free love thing.<br />
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20) Therefore, it came to pass that there was a man among them whose name was Abinadi; and he went forth among them, saying: <em>Behold, thus saith the Lord, Go forth, and say unto this people, thus saith the Lord, go forth, and say unto this people, thus saith the Lord, go forth, and say unto this people...</em><br />
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21) <em>Except they repent and turn away from their shameless sexuality, and go back to massacring the Lamanites with my endorsement, behold, I will deliver them into the hands of their enemies; yea, and they shall suffer torture, and bondage, and all manner of terrible things.</em><br />
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22) <em>And it shall come to pass that they shall know that I, the Lord their God, am a hypocritical God, for I am jealous, and vengeful, and unforgiving, and I have sex with millions of spirit wives and concubines every day just to keep this planet populated.</em><br />
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23) <em>And they shall not be able to do anything about it, for I am omnipotent, and they are not.</em><br />
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24) <em>Yea, and it shall come to pass that when they shall cry unto me I will put my fingers in my ears and I shall say, "I'm not listening," over and over; yea, and I will suffer them that they be smitten by their enemies.</em><br />
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25) <em>And except each of their men should cut off one of their testicles, and burn it upon the altar before me, I will not hear their prayers, neither will I show any mercy; and thus saith the Lord, and thus hath he told me to tell you.</em><br />
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26) Now it came to pass that when Abinadi had spoken these words unto them they were wroth with him, and sought to take away his life; but he answered them, saying, <em>don't shoot me! I'm just the messenger.</em><br />
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27) Now when king Noah had heard of the words which Abinadi had spoken unto the people, he was also wroth; and he said: <em>Who is Abinadi, who hath not been appointed by a special meeting of the Twelve, nor sustained by general vote? And who is the Lord, who always wants to torture and kill us just for having a good time?</em><br />
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28)<em> I command you to bring Abinadi hither, that I may hear him out, for he has compromised the happiness of my people by giving them unsubstantiated threats for living normal and healthy lifestyles, and he has tried to disrupt our peace by starting a religious war among us.</em><br />
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29) Now the eyes of the people were unblinded; therefore they rejected the words of Abinadi, and he had to leave town because his threats were not appreciated. But behold, he called it persecution.<br />
<br />Zelph Smithhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11382676913326516286noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4967124165657526989.post-74097952402906709872018-03-01T12:13:00.002-08:002018-03-02T11:58:45.022-08:00Mosiah, Chapter 101) And it came to pass that we began to worry that maybe the family and friends of the three thousand and forty-three Lamanites we had just killed might seek revenge, so I caused that there should be more weapons of war made of every kind, that thereby we might kill even more when they came back.<br />
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2) And I set guards round about the land, that the Lamanites might not come upon us unawares again and destroy us; and thus I did have to tax my people heavily, for all those guards had to be paid somehow, and the combined lands of Nehi-Lephi-Shalaamalekum had a very large perimeter to monitor.<br />
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3) And it came to pass that we did inherit the land of our fathers for the space of twenty and two years; and by that I mean additional years, for we no longer counted the thirteen years we had inhabited the land before the great massacre, for behold, the timeline was being stretched far enough already in order to make it consistent with that of the other people of Nephi.<br />
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4) And I did cause that the men, other than the ones I had conscripted as guards, should till the ground, for I was a strict micromanager.<br />
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5) And I did cause that the women should do work fitting for the weaker sex, such as making fine linen, which was spun from flax we had imported all the way from Europe, that we might clothe our nakedness; for indeed we had been naked before this time.<br />
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6) And it came to pass that we did have continual peace in the land for this space of twenty and two years; and it came to pass that king Laman died, and his son, whose name was Stu, breaking with tradition, began to reign in his stead. And being angered that his people had lost their lust for revenge, he began to publish propaganda against my people; thereby they began to prepare for war.<br />
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7) But I had been sending my spies out round about the land of Shemlon, which is not to be confused with Shilom, but close enough that you can see the north side of Shilom from it, that I might discover the nature of their propaganda.<br />
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8) And it came to pass that the Lamanites came up upon the north of the land of Shilom with their numerous hosts, men armed with bows, and with arrows, and with swords, and with cimeters, and with slings, and with every weapon I had just invented in the last chapter; and they had their heads shaved that they were naked, for up to that point their hair had been the only thing covering their private parts; and they were girded with a leather girdle about their loins, which meant they weren't technically naked at all, but we were judging them by our own modesty standards.<br />
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9) And it came to pass that I caused that the women and children of my people should leave the protection of our heavily fortified city and hide defenseless in the middle of the wilderness; for behold, notwithstanding the Lamanites clearly had demonstrated prowess in espionage up to this point, I knew in my heart that there was no way their spies could track a large group of thousands of fleeing women, children, and crying babies.<br />
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10) And it came to pass that we menfolk did go up to battle against the Lamanites, yea, even our old men and our twelve year-old boys, for all those who had grown up wielding a penis were considered as having sufficient experience to brandish a sword.<br />
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11) And the Lord did once again fight on our side, for the Lamanites had become dead to Him simply for not knowing about Him, therefore the Lord saw it more as cleaning up corpses rather than murdering His own children.<br />
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12) They were a wild, and ferocious, and a vengeful people, believing in the propaganda being published by their king, which is this - That they were forced out of Jerusalem by father Lehi, and that they were wronged in the wilderness by their brethren, and they were also wronged while crossing the sea; And again, that they were wronged while in the land of their first inheritance, after they had crossed the sea.<br />
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13) But I, Zeniff, recognizing that these claims were mostly true, did instigate a counter-propaganda campaign among my own people, which is this - That Nephi was justified in shaming his brethren because he was more faithful in keeping the commandments of the Lord - therefore he was favored of the Lord, and only did it all because that's what the Lord wanted.<br />
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14) And his brethren were wroth with him because they understood not that this was how the Lord worked; and thus they did harden their hearts against the Lord.<br />
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15) And again, they were wroth with Nephi when they had arrived in the promised land, because they said that he had taken the ruling of the people out of their hands, which was all a lie. Nephi hadn't done that - the Lord had.<br />
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16) And again, they were wroth with him because he departed into the wilderness - again at the Lord's command - and took the records which were engraven on the plates of brass, for they said that Nephi had made no attempt to discuss rightful ownership, negotiate shared custody, or even make a fucking copy of the plates.<br />
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17) But what would have been the point? It was all the Lord's decision, as revealed through Nephi, and you don't question the Lord even when he speaks regarding political issues. Therefore, because of their lack of faith in the Lord's mouthpiece, they have taught their children that they should hate the Nephites, and that they should murder them, and that they should rob and plunder them, and do all they could to destroy them, although they do require motivation after not doing any of these things for twenty and two years.<br />
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18) For this very cause has king Laman, by his cunning and craftiness, deceived me, that I have brought this my people up into this land, that he might destroy them; yea, and we have suffered these many years in the land.<br />
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19) And now I, Zeniff, did stretch the truth a little in that last verse, for I knew that King Laman had already died as per verse 6 having left us in peace for more than two decades, that he could not rise from his grave to destroy us, and I also knew that we had not suffered these many years, but rather had lived in prosperity and peace as per verse 5, but those plain truths did not benefit my counter-propaganda campaign, so I did lie a little for the Lord.<br />
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20) And being thus armed with righteous indignation, it came to pass that we did contend with the Lamanites face to face, and we slew them with a great slaughter, and we did drive them again our of our land, except for those that had been slain, and the dead were so many that we did not number them.<br />
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21) And it came to pass that we returned again to our own land, which is to say the land we were fighting in and had just driven the Lamanites out of.<br />
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22) And I did send a messenger to fetch the women and children, but behold, they had all been slaughtered by marauders, and in our absence all the goods within the city had been stolen.<br />
<br />Zelph Smithhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11382676913326516286noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4967124165657526989.post-54682559449325790452018-01-24T15:24:00.003-08:002018-01-25T13:33:45.725-08:00Mosiah, Chapter 9THE RECORD OF ZENIFF<br />
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1) I, Zeniff, having yet another unique name in this book that starts with the letter Z, having been taught in all the one language that I born into, and having been sent as a spy among the Lamanites, that our army might come upon them and destroy them - but when I saw that this sentence was incomplete I was desirous that it should end prematurely.<br />
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2) Therefore, I contended with my brethren in the wilderness, for they would that I should use proper grammar, but I had already etched it onto plates and it could not be erased; and they also would that I should kill the Lamanites, but I had seen some good in them, therefore I decided to kill my own brethren instead; therefore, father fought against father, and brother against brother, until the greater number of us had been slain in the wilderness.<br />
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3) And yet I brushed it off and decided to try again, and I collected many who were not bloodthirsty and militant, to go up to possess the land; but we were smitten with famine and sore afflictions; for we were slow to remember the Lord our God; yea, I did personally see a rainbow one time, and it took me three whole hours before I realized, <i>oh yeah, that's a God thing</i>.<br />
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4) Nevertheless, I did remember, albeit slowly, and thus I was not divinely murdered by flood, or by forest fire, or by spontaneous mountainous dislocation.<br />
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5) And it came to pass that I went again into the city, but under forthright pretenses this time, in unto the king, that I might know if I might go in with my people and possess the land in peace, or if we were going to start killing each other, or what.<br />
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6) And I went in unto the king, and in so going I found myself in the presence of the king unto whom I had gone in unto for the purposes of being in whose presence I might find myself in.<br />
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7) And thus, having found myself in the presence of the king, he straight up said that we could possess the land of Nephi-Lehi-Nephi, and the land of Shilom. And not just that, he invoked imminent domain and commanded all his people to depart out of those lands without so much as a senine to cover their damages in property loss.<br />
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8) And behold, this embittered his people against us, nevertheless we found it to be a rather profitable arrangement on our part, and we began numerous construction projects in addition to the structural improvements already prevalent in the land.<br />
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9) And we did even gain a free harvest, for many of the Lamanites had been forced to abandon fields that had already been furrowed and sown, even with all manner of seeds, like corn, and tulaberry, and pizza, and neas and deas and weas and jeas and sheum, and ye won't even research whether they are real or anachronistic anyway, so it mattereth not what I say.<br />
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10) Now it was the cunning and the craftiness of king Laman to bring my people into bondage, that he stripped such great wealth from his own people and gave it up unto us.<br />
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11) Yea, so cunning and crafty was it, that after twelve years he forgot his plan entirely, and began to grow uneasy with his decision, yea, he woke up one day and said, <i>huh, these Nephites seem to have grown rather wealthy, and maybe I should do something about it before they become powerful, or something like that.</i><br />
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12) Now they were a lazy and idolatrous people; therefore they were desirous to bring us into bondage, that they might glut themselves with the labors of ours hands, yea, that they might feast themselves upon the flocks of our birds; and this is not racist or xenophobic to say, for I have already claimed to have seen much good in them despite my cutting remarks.<br />
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13) Therefore it came to pass that king Laman began to stir up his people, and once they were all worked up, in his cunning and craftiness he told them that rather than use all that energy for constructive and profitable purposes, why don't they go start killing their neighbors and stealing their stuff.<br />
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14) Yea, in the thirteenth year of my reign in the land of Nephi-Lehi-Shilomnorihu, when my people were tilling their lands, a numerous host of Lamanites came upon them and began to slay them, and to take off the corn of their fields.<br />
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15) Yea, and even though they had only been tilling, and hadn't even sown yet, much less allowed time for their crops to germinate and grow, the Lamanites still managed to stop, reap, bundle and ship massive amounts of corn from these empty fields somehow. At least that is what the farmers told me as they ran to me for protection, and because they were Nephites I knew they could not lie.<br />
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16) And so it came to pass that I did arm them with bows, and arrows, and swords, and cimeters, and sharks, and lasers, and sharks with lasers, and with all manner of such futuristic weapons which we could invent, and I and my people did go forth against the Lamanites to battle.<br />
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17) Yea, and I did forget about all the good that I had previously seen in them, and decided that rather than my usual pacifistic diplomatic approach that my friends and family had killed so many of our brethren for at beginning of this chapter, this time I would open a can of whoop-ass upon the Lamanites instead, for verily it seemed the right thing to do at the time.<br />
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18) And God did join our side; and we did go forth in his might, and in one day and a night we did slay three thousand and forty-three; without taking any prisoners; for behold, each and every Lamanite did either flee from the land, or die upon it; there were no wounded or captured to speak of.<br />
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19) And I did help finish off their dead, and I never shed one single fucking tear over the brutality of the massacre that I had just caused; for the Lord had said <i>Vengeance is mine</i>, and I had taken a little. And behold, I did blame it all on the Paiutes, and did move along as if nothing had ever happened.Zelph Smithhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11382676913326516286noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4967124165657526989.post-45004563699213754982017-09-22T17:18:00.001-07:002017-12-12T00:20:29.307-08:00Mosiah, Chapter 81) And it came to pass that after king Limhi had made an end of speaking to his people, for he spake many things unto them which I have not written in this book, he told his people all the things concerning their brethren who were in the land of Zarahemla.<br />
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2) And when I say all the things, I literally mean <i>all the things</i>, for he had had twenty-four hours since meeting Ammon to get caught up. And when I say <i>I</i>, I mean <i>I</i> as in Mormon, for despite this book being called after Mosiah, Mosiah himself is always mentioned in the third-person, so it is I Mormon telling the whole story, and whether I make up facts to suit my narrative no man knoweth.<br />
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3) And he also rehearsed unto them the last words which king Benjamin had taught them, for king Limhi had fucked up on his pronouns once again, leaving the reader to believe that it was he and not Ammon who rehearsed these things.<br />
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4) And it came to pass that after he had done this, that king Limhi dismissed the multitude, and caused that they should return every one unto his own house, for the Lamanites guarding the town were already suspicious that they had all gathered together in one place, and seeing them, had begun to pick up on some of the subtexts when the king told his people that they were going to appeal to their brethren to deliver them from bondage.<br />
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5) And it came to pass that he caused that the plates which contained the record of his people should be brought before Ammon, that he might read them. And Ammon was skeptical, for the history did intertwine factual information with unicorns, dragons, global floods, and men who kept their muscles in their hair.<br />
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6) Now, as soon as Ammon had read the record, the king inquired of him to know if he could interpret languages. And Ammon told him that he could, for despite being a native of Zarahemla, he had been forced to learn the Nephite language as well.<br />
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7) And the king said unto him: <i>No, that is not what I meant. I mean, can you interpret ancient languages that you have never heard of before? For behold, I caused that forty and two of my people should take a journey into the wilderness, that thereby they might find the land of Zarahemla, that perhaps our brethren could give us clever ideas like sneaking out the back gate while the Lamanites were drunk.</i><br />
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8) <i>And they were lost in the wilderness, for they did not have the Liahona, yet they were diligent and returned before finding their goal, having traveled in a land which was covered with bones of men, having discovered a land that until very recently had been peopled with a people who, and we counted, were as numerous as the hosts of Israel.</i><br />
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9) <i>And for a testimony that the things that they had said are true they have brought twenty-four plates of pure gold. Nevertheless, nobody is allowed to see the plates and live.</i><br />
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10) <i>And as further proof of the veracity of their story, they have brought breastplates made of brass and copper, and other unlikely items such as Tommy Guns and medals bearing the insignia of the Navy SEAL.</i><br />
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11) <i>And again they have brought swords, but because it had been almost a century, the hilts had perished, for they had all apparently been made of cheese. Nevertheless the bones were still around.</i><br />
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12) <i>So I'm going to ask you again: Knowest thou of any one that can translate this language of a people who are all dead? Perhaps thy people have scholars who have studied such things, for I have a singular obsession to know from whence these records came, for half the characters on the plates look like penises.</i><br />
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13) Now Ammon said unto him: <i>I don't know of any scholars, but we have a half-educated kid who goes around asking people for money in exchange for looking at a stone in a hat and telling them where to dig for gold. Does that count?</i><br />
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14) <i>In fact, that man is our king. He has never actually found anything with his special gifts, but we believe him, and we give him money so he doesn't have to waste his time farming.</i><br />
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15) And the king said, <i>no shit? You've got a peeper for a king and you never told me? A peeper is the greatest kind of person ever!</i><br />
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16) And Ammon said, <i>yeah, and not just that, he's a revelator and a prophet also, and more power can no man have except he should possess the power of God.</i><br />
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17) <i>In fact, if thou shouldst ever run across a peeper, thou shouldst be in such awe of his power and greatness that it shall become meet that thou givest unto him not only your wife, but your daughters as well, so long as they are at least fifteen years old, plus or minus several months.</i><br />
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18) <i>Take heed, for this is the single most important part of this book. God has provided a means that man, for a certain fee, might work mighty miracles, therefore a peeper's services are a great benefit to his fellow beings.</i><br />
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19) And now, when Ammon had made an end of speaking these words the king rejoiced exceedingly, and gave thanks to God, saying: <i>Whereas it would have been the disposition of my predecessors to exercise judgment based on evidence and reason, because I feel good about everything you are saying there can be zero doubt that your vagrant king can look at his rocks and tell me exactly what these dicks on these plates are actually supposed to mean.</i><br />
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20) <i>O how marvelous and great is the Lord, and how stupid are people! That is to say, how stupid are those people who are not second to God alone.</i><br />
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21) <i>Yea, they are as a flock, of birds of course, for there are no sheep on this hemisphere, and they flee from the shepherd, but are ultimately brought back to face his judgment, to be fleeced along with their obedient brethren, and after that to be slaughtered, that they might be eaten by the good shepherd, or burnt upon an altar for no practical reason.</i>Zelph Smithhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11382676913326516286noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4967124165657526989.post-43498939106856591272017-09-20T22:31:00.006-07:002019-01-08T09:31:32.524-08:00Mosiah, Chapter 71) And now, it came to pass that king Mosiah was desirous to know concerning the people who went up to dwell in the land of Lehi-Nephi, or in the city of Lehi-Nephi. I can never keep those straight. And king Mosiah was confused, but they explained that they actually meant the land and/or city of Nephi, not Lehi-Nephi, for it had been a long time since the 116 pages had been lost, and the names and types of locations were very hard to keep straight; therefore, they wearied him with their teasings over his poor memory.<br />
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2) And it came to pass that king Mosiah was so desirous about this thing, that he reluctantly granted that sixteen men might go up to Lehi-Nephi, or just Nephi, to inquire concerning their brethren, but only really strong men, for despite being hopelessly outnumbered he figured their physical strength would be more important than diplomatic prowess.<br />
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3) For Mosiah knew that diplomacy would not be an issue, for the book of Omni clearly said that the people in Lehi-Nephi had gone there in the days of Mosiah's father, king Benjamin, which wasn't very long ago, and so he certainly selected among them men who would have been recognized by the Lehi-Nephites because they had known them personally before they had left. But also because of their strength.<br />
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4) And now, they knew not the course they should travel in the wilderness, for they had lost the Liahona, which would have been helpful, and after only two generations of kings they had completely forgotten the location of a land where many of them had grown up, despite the fact that the Lamanites were close enough to encounter them in both locations; therefore they wandered many days in the wilderness, even forty.<br />
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5) And when they had wandered thirty-nine days, for they did not count the current day along with the first, they figured they were pretty close, and pitched their tents.<br />
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6) And they slept a night so that on the morrow they might be able to count it as exactly forty, for they knew that nobody would believe them if it wasn't exactly the same as a number that occurred too frequently in the Bible. And their leader, whose name was Ammon, took three other guys and went down into the land of Nephi.<br />
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7) And behold, they ran right smack into the king of the people of the land of Nephi, which is to say Lehi-Nephi, and despite being the only other white people those other Nephites had seen in some forty-odd years, they were taken, and were bound, and were committed to prison.<br />
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8) And it came to pass that after two days they were brought before the king, and their bands were loosed; and they were permitted to answer his questions. No, scratch that, they were commanded to answer. No, wait, wait, looking ahead I think I really should go with permitted, but seeing as there are no do-overs while dictating a translation with my face buried in a hat, I guess I'll stick with commanded.<br />
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9) And the king said unto them: <i>Behold, I am Limhi, the son of Glohin, who was the son of Zeniff, that guy I forgot to mention by name in the Book of Omni, who came up out of the land of Zarahemla to inherit this land, which was the land their fathers had come to from a different land before that.</i><br />
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10) <i>And while it may make little sense for me in context to be informing you of these particular details right now, it works better for the narrative, so tell me, what were a bunch of Nephites like you doing approaching the walls of a Nephite city, hmmm?</i><br />
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11) <i>And now, because neither I nor my guards recognized that ye were the priests of Noah, whom we know very well because we grew up with them up until three years ago, yea, that is the only reason I have not put you to death. Ye are permitted to speak. I mean, um, commanded to speak. Go.</i><br />
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12) And now, when Ammon saw that we was permitted um commanded to speak, he went forth and bowed himself before the king; and rising again he said: <i>O king, I am very thankful before God this day that I am not just commanded, but also permitted to speak to you.</i><br />
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13) <i>As I was trying to tell you when you were having me arrested, and as I have been screaming at the guards for the past two days, we are from the land of Zarahemla, and I am descended from the dude of Zarahemla. I am assured that if this plot had been sound then ye would not have suffered that I should have worn these bands that were removed five verses ago.</i><br />
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14) And now, it came to pass that after Limhi had heard the words of Ammon, he said: <i>Oooooh! I thought you were saying that you were Priests-of-Noah-ahemlah. My bad. Hot damn! I thought ye all were dead!</i><br />
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15) <i>Behold, we are in bondage to the Lamanites, and are taxed without any form of representation. And now, behold, in exchange for coming up with a silly escape plan that involves getting the Lamanites drunk and sneaking out the back gate, I shall straight up give myself and all my subjects to you as slaves, for it is better to be slaves to the Nephites than to give any sort of tribute to fucking blackies.</i><br />
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16) And now, king Limhi commanded his guards that they should no more bind Ammon nor his brethren, for he did fear his guards might take the initiative to slap the chains back on them in reprisal for having just committed the entire kingdom to a lifetime of slavery.<br />
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17) And now, it came to pass on the morrow that king Limhi sent a proclamation among all his people, that they should gather themselves to the temple, to do an endowment session and maybe a few initiatories, temple activities he thought would be important to mention in a book intended for the latter-days.<br />
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18) And it came to pass that after they had finished and changed back into their Sunday dress, they gathered on the front steps, and he spake in this foolishness, saying: <i>O ye, my people, lift up your heads and be comforted; for behold, the time is at hand, or is maybe pretty close, when we shall no longer be in subjugation to our enemies the Lamanites, notwithstanding they leave us alone most of the time and ask that we pay them a flat tax from time to time.</i><br />
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19) <i>Therefore, lift up yours heads, and rejoice, and be of great cheer! For on the morrow all of ye shall become straight up slaves, required to work hard in perpetuity until ye are no longer of any use, and without the right to make any of your own decisions or have property at all.</i><br />
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20) <i>Now remember to put your trust in God, for it is because of God that we are in this situation in the first place, therefore he can be trusted to get us into an even better one.</i><br />
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21) <i>And all ye are witnesses this day, that Zeniff, who was made king over forty years ago, before many of you were even born, having entered into a treaty with king Laman, and being unable to come up with a predicate for this sentence. Therefore not all of ye were witnesses, and it was definitely not this day, but some of ye were witnesses that even though we had long since abandoned the practice of naming all our kings "Nephi" as per Jacob 1:11, the Lamanite king was still named "Laman."</i><br />
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22) <i>And behold, we at this time do pay tribute to the king of the Lamanites to the amount of one half of our barley, which is easy since there isn't any on this continent, and one half of the increase of our flocks, that is to say of birds since there are no sheep, and even one half of our herds, which is to say of bison since there is no cattle. And this the king of the Lamanites doth exact of us, or else the IRS doth raid our 401k.</i><br />
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23) <i>And now, is not this grievous to be borne? And is not this, our affliction, great? Bow your heads and say yes.</i><br />
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24) <i>Yea, I say unto you, great are the reasons which we have to mourn; for behold how many of our brethren have been slain, simply because they approached the outer walls of the city!</i><br />
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25) <i>For if I had simply asked them who they were before executing capital punishment, it could have been that some of them had been from Zarahemla. Or part of Alma's group. Or even just farmers coming in for rest after a long day in the fields. Glad I didn't do that this time!</i><br />
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26) <i>And a prophet of the Lord have they slain; yea, and by they I mean Noah and his priests, which hath nothing to do with us nor our sins, except for the fact that we are still being punished by God for it.</i><br />
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27) <i>And behold, that prophet did say that Christ should be created in the image of man. Wait a second, that's not right, is it? I mean to say Christ shall be created after the image that man was created in the beginning, which was after the image of God, and then AFTER that God should come down in the image of man, meaning with a body, and he should walk around on two legs and do cartwheels and hock loogies and shit. Got it? Abinadi taught all that stuff.</i><br />
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28) <i>And now, because he said this, they didn't really give a shit, for they had already passed sentence by that time. But because he insulted them repeatedly, and made death threats upon the king, they did put him to death. But again, that was them, not us. Therefore, who wondereth why we are in bondage, and smitten with sore afflictions by God?</i><br />
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29) <i>For behold, the Lord hath said: I will not punish men except for their own transgressions. So why is little 2-year-old Jill over there lumped in with this?</i><br />
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30) <i>Do the contradicting descriptions of the justice of God in the scriptures make any sense, or are we all just fictional characters in a story designed to scare people into obedience? Don't answer that question, for it filleth me with existential dread.</i><br />
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31) <i>All of you who sow filthiness shall reap the east wind, the most menacing direction of them all.</i><br />
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32) <i>And now, behold, the promise of the Lord is fulfilled, and ye are all smitten and afflicted. But I can still afford personal body guards and shit, so I'm doing alright.</i><br />
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33) <i>Now pack up your things, for tonight we rejoice, for behold, the time is at hand that God shall deliver us from taxes, and on the morrow ye shall all become slaves to the Nephites. That is all.</i><br />
<br />Zelph Smithhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11382676913326516286noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4967124165657526989.post-12808305752448567592017-09-11T08:00:00.003-07:002017-09-11T08:00:56.060-07:00Mosiah, Chapter 61) And now, king Benjamin thought it was expedient that he should start taking names, that thereby he might determine who among his people had been naughty and who had been nice.<br />
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2) And it came to pass that there was not one soul, except it were little children, and all those who had stayed home because they were sick, but who had entered into the covenant to change their name to Christ, and it was legal now that it was recorded.<br />
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3) And not a moment too soon, for the actual Christ would not be born for another hundred and twenty-four years! Nevertheless, notwithstanding he did not yet exist, it was imperative that the society be a Christian one, particularly echoing nineteenth-century Protestantism, for the author knew very little of actual ancient Hebrew practices and beliefs.<br />
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4) And the Nephites hitched up their wagons, donned their top hats and bonnets, and headed back to the ol' homesteads.<br />
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5) And king Benjamin, or rather the former King Benjamin, lived three years and he died.<br />
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6) And it came to pass that King Mosiah did keep the commandments of the Lord in all things whatsoever the Lord commanded him, but seeing as the Lord never actually came around to say anything, that was a pretty easy task.<br />
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7) And King Mosiah did cause his people that they should till the earth, because they had not already been doing so, and because they had no need for animal husbandry, weavers, fullers, craftsmen, potters, teachers, physicians, or public servants of any kind. And King Mosiah himself did also till the earth, that thereby he might eliminate taxes and tribute altogether in exchange for providing no services or oversight of anything, since he had little spare time due to his farming. And it was all very anarchic. And there was no contention among all his people for the space of three years, for there was no king on duty to hear any disputes.Zelph Smithhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11382676913326516286noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4967124165657526989.post-67087380995920067042017-08-18T07:18:00.002-07:002019-01-08T09:21:45.746-08:00Mosiah, Chapter 51) And now, it came to pass that when king Benjamin had thus spoken to his people, he sent among them, desiring to know of his people if they believed the words which he had spoken unto them, for he truly was quite insecure about it all.<br />
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2) And they counted to three, and chanted in unison: <i>Yea, we believe all the words which thou hast spoken unto us; and also, we know of their surety and truth, because of the Spirit of the Lord Omnipotent, which has wrought a mighty change in us, that whereas a few minutes ago we only had nothing but disposition to do evil all the time, now we only desire to do good continually.</i><br />
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3) And half of the people forgot the next few words, and went out of unison, which turned into an unintelligible mess that King Benjamin could not quite make out, but they got back on track.<br />
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4) <i>And it is the faith and goodness and exquisite majesty of our king that hath caused such a sudden yet permanent change in all of us sinners, whereby we do rejoice with such exceedingly great joy that God hath anointed his holiness to be our ruler.</i><br />
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5) And their chant did begin to sound like a funeral dirge, nevertheless they did continue: <i>We are willing to enter into a covenant with our God to do his will, which will shall be communicated unto us by our king, the prophet, that we may not bring upon ourselves a never-ending torment, that we may not drink out of the cup of the wrath of God.</i><br />
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6) And now, these are the words which king Benjamin desired of them, for verily he had scripted it all. Obviously.<br />
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7) And he said unto them, <i>the covenant which ye have made is a righteous covenant, and now, because of the covenant ye shall be called by a new name, for behold, this day ye are born of Christ, even though he doth not have a vagina. At least I do not think so.</i><br />
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8) <i>And now, I give unto you all a new name, which you should always remember and which you must keep sacred and reveal at a certain place that will be shown you hereafter. The name is Christ. Now ye cannot renege, for ye have already sworn to obey me until the end of your lives, despite not having prior knowledge of the details of the agreement, and there is nothing sketchy about this at all.</i><br />
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9) <i>And it shall come to pass, that whosoever is known by this name shall find himself at the judgment bar of God, and God shall ask, "what is your name?" And he shall say, "Christ." And God shall say, "well then, Christ, take your place here at my right hand," for God shall be fooled.</i><br />
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10) <i>It is a clever trick, although I know it will make things very confusing around here for the next few years, since you all just received the exact same name, but don't worry, I'll allow the main characters to retain their original names. Everyone else shall simply be known as Christ.</i><br />
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11) <i>And I would that ye should remember also that this is the name that I said I should give unto you that never should be blotted out, except it be through transgression. Nevertheless, lying to God about your name does not technically count as a transgression, because I have legally made the change for you all as of this afternoon.</i><br />
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12) <i>So do not transgress or I shall change your name back, and then ye shall be found on the left hand of God. And that's a bad thing. Don't ask why. It has to do with Middle-Eastern times and unsanitary toilet customs.</i><br />
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13) <i>For how wipeth a man his own crack if he hath not toilet paper? Neither do they have many trees in the land of Israel.</i><br />
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14) <i>And again, doth a man wipe an ass with his left hand, and then start manhandling your food afterwards? I say unto you; Yep, all the time; and ye suffer that he shall shake your hand, and give unto you a wet willy. I say unto you, that even so shall it be among you if ye forget the name by which ye are called.</i><br />
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15) <i>Therefore, I would that ye should be obedient and start calling each other Christ every day, that I might not silence and punish and drive you away with exceeding severity like I did back in the last four verses of Words of Mormon. And if ye are steadfast and immovable in your compliance, then ye shall be just fine. With God that is. I mean with God. Amen.</i>Zelph Smithhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11382676913326516286noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4967124165657526989.post-53519520296206754882017-08-11T02:30:00.000-07:002019-01-08T09:16:19.152-08:00Mosiah, Chapter 41) And now it came to pass that when the satirist had moved the story along, that King Benjamin cast his eyes round about on the multitude, and they did not throw his eyes back, for behold the multitude had fallen to the earth, either because they had fainted from boredom, or because of an earthquake or some shit. How else could it have happened?<br />
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2) And they had viewed themselves as worthless pieces of shit, even less than the dust of the earth. And they all cried aloud with one voice simultaneously, saying: <i>O have mercy, and forgive us, O God, for we believe in Jesus Christ, because King Benjamin just told us we should, and that's the first time we've ever heard that we should do that, or something</i>, and it was all very rehearsed.<br />
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3) And those waiting patiently in the back for the written transcripts wondered what the fuck was going on up there, for they did see those who had fallen, and did believe they were planking, and verily they did plank as well so as to not look uncool.<br />
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4) And it came to pass that after they had all planked like a boss, the Spirit of the Lord came upon them, and just like that they were all forgiven of their sins, even though they had recited the same prayer like fucking Catholics, and they were filled with joy.<br />
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5) And King Benjamin continued speaking, saying: <i>Behold, my friends and brethren, if this feeling of joy hath awakened you to a sense of your nothingness, and your worthless, shitty, meaningless lives -</i><br />
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6) <i>I say unto you, if ye are so happy that ye are ready to kill yourselves over the futility of it all, slaves to the wonderful and glorious atonement which doth proffer unto you the matchless gift of not having to burn for all eternity in hell, so long as ye should be diligent in keeping the commandments unto the end of this life, I mean the life of the mortal body -</i><br />
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7) <i>I say, if ye who are slaves of God's tyrannical will are happy about it, ye shall receive salvation. Good job.</i><br />
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8) <i>And if any of you are offended that I just called God a tyrant, and men slaves, just remember that there is none other salvation; neither are there any conditions whereby man can be saved and avoid eternal torment as if it were a lake of fire except the conditions which I have just told you. Period.</i><br />
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9) <i>Believe in God; believe that he created the universe; believe that he is all-knowing, all-seeing, all-powerful, all-good, all-evil, and that there is no escape from his will, ever.</i><br />
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10) <i>And if ye do not believe that ye can force yourself to believe in something for arbitrary reasons, stop believing that.</i><br />
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11) <i>And again I say unto you as I have said before, if ye have known the goodness of God and tasted of his love, and have received a remission of your sins which causeth such exceedingly great joy in your souls, don't forget that ye are still just worthless, unworthy creatures, and that too much self-esteem is a dangerous thing.</i><br />
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12) <i>Behold, I say unto you that if you remember to be miserable and depressed all the time because of your nothingness, then ye shall always rejoice, and be filled with happiness, and there shall be nothing counterfeit about it.</i><br />
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13) <i>And ye will not have a mind to injure one another, for only people who believe they're worth something ever get into fights.</i><br />
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14) <i>And ye will not suffer your children that they go hungry, or naked, unless that's what you have to do in order to pay your tithing of course.</i><br />
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15) <i>And if they are hungry, or if they quarrel one with another, or have any other such problems, then remember that it is your own fault, for I just said right here in the holy scriptures that this kind of thing won't happen so long as you're living right.</i><br />
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16) <i>And also ye yourselves will pay a generous fast offering, and this shall justify you in suffering that the beggar putteth up his petition to you in vain.</i><br />
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17) <i>For behold, thou shalt say: This man has brought upon himself his misery, for he doth not work, and doth mooch off the government, and doth spend his money on drugs and shit; therefore I will stay my hand, for his punishments doth teach unto him a lesson -</i><br />
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18) <i>And I say unto you, O man, whosoever doeth this is doing it right, for his twenty-dollars-a-month fast offering doth exempt him from other charitable work, for the bishop doth have the discernment to distinguish who is genuinely in need from who is a dirty fucking leech.</i><br />
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19) <i>For behold, are we not hard workers? And why should you work hard so that you might be an enabler for that guy who doth nothing but sit around and smoke pot all day? It's your hard work that earned the money, after all. It's not like God snaps his fingers every day and it magically appears in your bank account.</i><br />
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20) <i>It is like God is our employer. He creates the job, but it is up to us to perform it. It's not like we're beggars to God or anything. We have to work hard for a remission of our sins, and we have to do it for the rest of our natural lives. There is no retirement in God's plan.</i><br />
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21) <i>And now, if God, who has created you, doth expect you to work hard all the days of your life, O then how ye ought to expect the poor to work if they want to siphon off any of your fucking money.</i><br />
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22) <i>It is for their own good. It will teach them a lesson. They'll never learn to be proper latter-day saints if they take handouts all the time.</i><br />
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23) <i>I say unto you, if ye are rich as pertaining to the things of this world, then that means ye have worked hard, and have set a good example that ye might be an inspiration unto those who are struggling financially.</i><br />
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24) <i>And again, I say unto the poor, ye who have not, and remain from day to day waiting for the next check, I mean all you who do not work because of a disability, or life circumstances, or because ye are a woman and are thus expected to stay home and bear children; I would that ye say in your hearts that: "I work not because I can not, but if I could I would work."</i><br />
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25) <i>And now, if ye say this in your hearts, and pay a full tithe, ye remain guiltless, and there is a pretty good chance the bishop will give you some canned oats so you can feed your children. Otherwise ye are condemned, and your condemnation is just, for you're a lazy ass motherfucker, and if you don't have a home then we'll kick you off the streets in front of the temple, for ye do make it look bad, and it's private property bitches.</i><br />
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26) <i>And now, for the sake of those of you who may be inclined to live in a society where the rich give unto to the poor in a sort of harmonic equality, I say unto you that this is socialism, and while it may have been God's perfect plan in the nineteenth century, nevertheless it is now the wickedest form of government that Satan hath ever introduced into the Earth. And it is so bad because Satan introduced it. When God introduces it, even if it's the same exact thing, then that's okay.</i><br />
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27) <i>And see that all things are done in wisdom and order, through official church programs, for it is easily recorded for tax purposes, and ye shall not have to worry about transparency or accountability of the funds, for that stuff is a pain in the ass anyway. And if ye should thus give your charity through the church then ye shall win the prize of being allowed to attend the weddings of your children.</i><br />
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28) <i>And I would that ye should remember, that whosoever among you borroweth something from his neighbor, like, for instance, a seer stone so that you might translate a new book of scripture, the same should return the thing that he borroweth. If not, then I swear to God that man is gonna get tarred and feathered at some point in his life.</i><br />
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29) <i>And finally, I cannot tell you all the things whereby ye may commit sin. Just, look, if it feels like something I might judge you for, don't do it! I don't know.</i><br />
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30) <i>But this much I can tell you as a general rule of thumb, that ye must control your Behavior, Information, Thoughts, and Emotions, and he who doth not follow this B.I.T.E. model, even unto the end of his life, must perish. No biggie. And now, O man, remember, and perish not.</i>Zelph Smithhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11382676913326516286noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4967124165657526989.post-25135377615101516772017-03-22T18:36:00.000-07:002017-04-19T15:23:31.443-07:00Mosiah, Chapter 31) And again my brethren, now that I have your attention, I have somewhat to speak unto you concerning a principle which pertains to the celestial law.<br />
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2) And the things which I shall tell you are made known unto me by the authority I have as prophet and spokesman for God on Earth. For an angel said unto me: <i>Awake</i>, and I awoke, and behold he stood before me.<br />
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3) And he said unto me: <i>Awake</i>. And I said <i>I am already. You just said that.</i> And he said unto me <i>behold, I am come to declare unto you the true way to love your neighbor.</i><br />
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4) <i>For the Lord hath heard thy prayers, and hath judged of thy worthiness, and hath sent me to declare unto thee a principle which will allow men to be saved for whom there otherwise would be no chance whatsoever.</i><br />
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5) For behold, the wickedness and ignorance of the nations forbid this principle's being in full force, but the time cometh, and is not far distant, when the law of the Lord God Omnipotent who reigneth from all eternity to all eternity, will be in full force, and the sins of this people shall verily be atoned.<br />
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6) Yea, suppose ye shall find your brother in bed with your wife, and ye cast a javelin through the hearts of both of them. Ye would be justified, and they would atone for their sins, and be received into the Kingdom of God.<br />
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7) And lo, I would at once do so, in such a case; and under such circumstances, for I have no wife whom I love so well that I would not put a javelin through her heart, and I would do it with clean hands. For although Christ should suffer all things, even unto death, there are some sins which his blood, which cometh from every pore, will never wipe out. That's right. Their own blood must atone of it.<br />
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8) I shit you not this is how the law of God works, in these very words.<br />
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9) And lo, Christ cometh unto his own, that salvation might come unto the children of men through faith on his name; unless of course they have committed a sin that they know will deprive them of that exaltation which they desire, in which case they cannot attain to it without the shedding of their own blood. Is there a man or woman in this house but would say, <i>yeah, shed my blood. I want to be saved and exalted with the gods?</i><br />
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10) Behold, every fucking person would say that, ever.<br />
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11) And behold, this is blood atonement, for Christ draweth the line at certain sins, and if, being thus guilty, ye should cross that line, and then die without any part of your blood physically touching the ground, your sin is not covered, and ye shall go speedily to hell.<br />
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12) <i>But what types of sins qualify? </i>ye ask. <i>Surely this is reserved only for the worst of rapists and murderers, like, the type of stuff that society in general would accept the death penalty for.</i><br />
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13) I am glad ye asked, for the Lord God hath sent his holy prophet, Brigham Young, to declare these things repeatedly from the pulpit, again and again over the space of many years, that every kindred, nation, and tongue should understand with perfect clarity exactly which types of sins require a blood-soaked carpet in order to be remitted.<br />
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14) Yea, even though Jesus saw that his people would commit these sins all the time, he still appointed this law, because he was a pussy, and shrunk that he should not drink from that bitter of a cup.<br />
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15) And adultery is one, as I have already mentioned (JoD 4:219). And there is also leaving the church (JoD 4:220), and breaking covenants (JoD 4:49-51), and stealing (JoD 1:108-109), and turning against me (JoD 4:375), and interracial marriage. Yeah, that one requires death on the spot (JoD 10:110). Oh, but not murder. Well, not unless the person you murdered was Joseph Smith (JoD 2:179).<br />
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16) And even if they should turn and repent, and lift and serve others for the remainder of their days, they could not be saved. But I say unto you, if they die in a bloodbath, and some of it finds its way to the ground, that should cover it, for the smoke of it rises before the Lord as an incense.<br />
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17) And moreover, I say unto you, that there shall be no other law given nor any other means whereby salvation can come unto those children of men, only in and through the love of a close relative willing to slit their throat with a Bowie knife, or run them through the kidney. Both kidneys that is.<br />
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18) For behold God judgeth, and his judgment is just, yea, even just as just as a judge judgeth; and the man perisheth who dieth in a hangman's noose, or by Peritonitis, or natural causes.<br />
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19) For the natural man is an enemy to God, and has been from the time God's enemies created all sorts of natural things, like pine-covered mountains ranges, cannabis, and heterosexual relationships. But blessed is the man who putteth off natural human development, and becometh as a child, submissive, naive, gullible, and full of an overwhelming desire to write all over the walls with permanent ink.<br />
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20) And moreover, I say unto you that the time shall come when God's law of blood atonement shall spread throughout every nation, kindred, tongue, and people, for the prophet hath spoken it.<br />
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21) But behold, before that time cometh, the penalties in the temple that reference said doctrine shall be revised to simply state "suffer my life to be taken," for, despite the saving ordinances being unchanging from generation to generation, many shall be offended at the graphic language that shall exist prior to that.<br />
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22) I mean really, who wouldn't enjoy swearing to have their body cut open and their bowels gush out? Would they really prefer to just pantomime it?<br />
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23) But then, after that, even the pantomimes shall be removed, leaving the horrific origins of the temple ceremony lost forever to the memories of those who are too old to even remember what they had for breakfast that day.<br />
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24) Behold, it is so much better now. Rather than swearing to have your throat cut from ear to ear and your tongue torn out by its roots, all you have to do is clasp right hands and place the joint of the thumb directly over the first knuckle of the hand, in this manner, and call it good!<br />
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25) Jesus H. Smith. Did I really just say that?<br />
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26) Well, it looks like y'all are going to get a practical demonstration, so if you wouldn't mind, dear wife, just grabbing that bronze dagger and stepping up here, I think my smoke needs to be incensed. That's right, now just stick it in right there between the jaw and the collar bone.<br />
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27) No, damn it! Put your strength into it! You're just getting blood all over the place. No look, you missed the artery completely. Look, I can stick my finger in there and wiggle it around. Come on, give me a good hard slice. What the hell, woman! That's my adam's apple you're grinding against! Come on! You were never good at anything! You've always failed to obey simple instructions! A third grader could do it, you worthless bitch! Now, if you wouldn't mind pulling your head out of your ass and cutting me hard and ggleep! Gohggh. Gghat wuth a gooogh thwunbbgggi...Zelph Smithhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11382676913326516286noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4967124165657526989.post-42814927582711238792017-03-13T17:52:00.004-07:002019-01-08T09:04:08.385-08:00Mosiah, Chapter 21) And it came to pass that Mosiah did as his father had commanded him, and made a proclamation throughout all the land, that the people gathered themselves together that they might go up to temple square to hear the words which king Benjamin should speak unto them.<br />
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2) And there were a great number, yea, even so many that future anthropologists from the Lord's University shall lament the fact that they cannot find them.<br />
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3) And the people slaughtered and burnt a bunch of sheep for no reason other than tradition, and verily they did hate it every time there was a gathering and they had to do that.<br />
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4) But they were taught that it was to give thanks unto to the Lord their God, who had delivered them out of the hands of their enemies, and who had appointed a good and a just and a benevolent man to be their their king, via the mechanism of dynastic inheritance, and it was this king who had taught them to think this way.<br />
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5) And it came to pass that when they came up to the temple, they pitched their tents round about, every man according to his family, consisting of his wife, and his sons, and his daughters, and behold everyone who belonged to a traditional family was allowed to come.<br />
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6) And they pitched their tents round about the temple, and they did wonder why the king was not holding his conference within the tabernacle, for temples were for ordinances, not assemblies. Nevertheless they did not question, for all that mattered to them was the gospel according to the current prophet.<br />
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7) And the multitude was so great that king Benjamin could not teach them all within the walls of the temple, for the endowment room was only large enough to accommodate a session of 30, and despite being their king, he did not realize how many of them there were, and had utterly failed to do any advance planning.<br />
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8) And it came to pass that he had a tower erected, and that took a couple of days to work out, but his people waited patiently in their tents. And when it was completed he realized that most of them still could not hear him, for he was a feeble old man. Therefore he caused that his words should be written, such that the people in the back would have waited all that time for nothing, for they could have just stayed at home and read it.<br />
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9) And these are the words which he spake and caused to be written, saying: <i>My brethren, or at least all ye that are close enough to hear me, and who did not leave while we were constructing this tower, and those in the back who in the future are reading the various copies that shall be etched laboriously on numerous sets of plates, one at a time, I would that ye should hearken unto me, for if I say that, perhaps it will not go in one ear and out the other.</i><br />
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10) <i>I would not that ye should think I am perfect, or at least a little better than your average mortal man.</i><br />
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11) <i>But I am like yourselves. I make mistakes, and even if ye can not think of any, nor dare ye speak them for fear of not being considered one who sustains the prophet, nevertheless it is a good excuse that ye can use whenever someone claims to have found information that makes me look bad.</i><br />
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12) <i>I say unto you that as I have been a general authority for all these years, I have not sought gold nor silver nor any manner of riches from you. Nevertheless I have earned a modest living stipend of only $120,000 per year.</i><br />
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13) <i>I have not confined you in dungeons, or enslaved you, or murdered, or plundered, or raped your children. All I have required is that ye give me 10% of your gross income. Is that so much to ask?</i><br />
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14) <i>Yea, even I, myself, have labored with mine own hands for my support, which labor has involved writing talks and holding secret meetings to figure out how to deal with the gay problem, and this that ye should not be laden with taxes, other than the 10% of course, that there should nothing come upon you which was grievous to be borne, that is so long as ye are sufficiently wealthy, for it is not lost on me that a flat tax doth favor the rich.</i><br />
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15) <i>Therefore, even I, my brethren, pay tithing, and since my income comes from tithing in the first place, I just mark it up 10% in the first place, or 11.1% for all ye math whores.</i><br />
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16) <i>Yet, my brethren, I have not said these things that I may boast, but rather I tell you these things that ye may know that I am super righteous, which is different than boasting, that ye might forget about all those little imperfections that I claimed to have but refused to go into any detail on.</i><br />
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17) <i>And behold, I tell you these things that ye may learn wisdom, that ye may learn that when ye think and act like me, ye are right in the eyes of God.</i><br />
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18) <i>Behold, ye have called me your prophet, and if that's true, and I get paid just a tiny modest living stipend of $120,000 on top of all my benefits, paid travel, college tuition for children, and pre-existing wealth, plus a signing bonus to clear my debts that I will neither confirm nor deny is a thing, then ought ye not to labor for free?</i><br />
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19) <i>And behold also, if I, whom ye call your prophet, have given up my career that I may do this job full time for the rest of my life, O how ye ought to perform the same ecclesiastical labor without any pay and still try to work at your full time job!</i><br />
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20) <i>I say unto you, my brethren, that if ye should be given ten apples, then ye should rejoice, for God hath given you everything, and if not for God ye would have had nothing, even if ye had worked your entire life balancing your career and church and family!</i><br />
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21) <i>I say unto you that even if ye should give all ten apples back to God, and therefore die of starvation, writhing in agony as your body literally consumes its own organs, yet ye would be unprofitable servants.</i><br />
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22) <i>But all that he requires is that you give one apple back. And even if ten is the bare minimum required to keep you and your children from dying of starvation, see the previous verse. Behold, God never doth vary from that which he hath said; therefore, if ye do keep this commandment by giving him your apple (by giving it to me), he will bless and prosper you. At least I hope he will, because your ward may or may not.</i><br />
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23) <i>And now, in the first place he hath created you, and granted unto you your lives, for which ye are indebted to him, even if with that life he hath also given you cystic fibrosis.</i><br />
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24) <i>Secondly, he requires you to cough up your money, for which he doth bless you in intangible ways; and therefore hath paid you back. But then that means ye are indebted to him again, and must pay him again (through me), and so forth forever and ever; therefore, of what have ye to boast?</i><br />
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25) <i>And now I ask, can ye say aught of yourselves? I answer you, Nay. Ye cannot say that ye are even as much as the dust of the earth, but even the dust of the earth is exempt from tithing, so ye are lower still.</i><br />
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26) <i>But I'm pretty cool.</i><br />
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27) <i>That's why I caused that ye should assemble yourselves together, that I might be found blameless, and that your blood should not come upon me when I shall stand to be judged of God of the things whereof he hath commanded me concerning you.</i><br />
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28) <i>I say unto you that I have caused that ye should assemble yourselves together that I might rid my garments of your blood, that I might die in peace and join the choirs in heaven above. It hath nothing to do with my love for you or a desire to help you out. It was for purely selfish reasons.</i><br />
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29) <i>That and to tell you that my son Mosiah is your new king. He's your new king now. That was actually the main reason for this whole thing.</i><br />
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30) <i>For even at this time my whole frame doth tremble exceedingly, for I am really fucking old, and after amassing so much tithing over the years I really want a chance to sit back and enjoy it a little.</i><br />
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31) <i>And now, my people, I would that ye should do as ye have hitherto done. Keep giving me one apple even if ye only have ten to your name, and I will consult the Lord to determine the best use of it. And now, if ye shall have an hundred apples, then ye can subsist on ten, glut yourselves on another ten, give me ten, and consider the remaining 70 a blessing for your faithfulness. See? Being rich is good.</i><br />
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32) <i>But, O my people, beware lest there shall arise contentions among you, for some shall try to differentiate net income from gross income, and others still shall choose a more traditional definition of tithing based on increase instead of income.</i><br />
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33) <i>Behold, there is a very special wo pronounced upon him who listeth to steal from the Lord, and though ye shall declare yourselves full tithe payers using net income alone, and get away with it, yet ye shall </i><i>die in your sins. Yea, the same receiveth but a little profit, and receiveth for these wages an everlasting punishment of fire, according to that verse in Malachi.</i><br />
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34) <i>I say unto you, that there are not any among you, except it be your nursery children, that have not been taught concerning these things, and if ye can't handle it, then God shall ask you to render to him all that ye have and are, and he shall lay down the law of consecration upon you. What do ye think about that, mother-fuckers?</i><br />
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35) <i>Just think of it as fire insurance. Ye would pay to protect your property from accidental loss or damage, so why not pay a little extra just to be sure you and your children don't burn forever and ever in an everlasting pit of fire and wo? Although, of course, if you only have ten apples then you can't afford homeowner's insurance, or any kind of insurance, but definitely still pay your tithing!</i><br />
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36) <i>And now, I say unto you, my brethren, that after ye have known and have been taught all these things, if ye should still bitch and moan about my tiny-ass living stipend, or the multi-billion dollar shopping mall across the street from my residence, then ye do withdraw yourselves from the Spirit of the Lord, that your temple recommend may be revoked, and then ye shall no longer have access to the peace and blessings and salvation that come from serving in the house of the Lord.</i><br />
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37) <i>I say unto you, that the man that faileth to sustain the prophet, the same cometh out in open rebellion against God; therefore he listeth to obey the evil spirit, and becometh an enemy to all righteousness; therefore the Lord has no place in him, for he dwelleth not in unholy temples.</i><br />
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38) <i>Never mind that the Law of Common Consent was originally designed in the first place to see if there were any dissenting opinions. Today dissent is tantamount to contention, and he who hath the spirit of contention is an enemy to God, and the demands of divine justice do fill his breasts with guilt, and not just guilt, but pain, and anguish, which is like an unquenchable fire, whose flame ascendeth up forever and ever, yea, even past the moon, and the Andromeda galaxy, towards the ever-expanding edge of the universe itself.</i><br />
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39) <i>And thus I say unto you, there is no room for dissent in this church. Just raise your hand if you are in favor, and if not, then for God's sake keep your damn mouth shut.</i><br />
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40) <i>O, all ye old men, and also young men, and you little children who can understand my words, and perhaps even some of you women, I have spoken plainly that ye might understand that I am the one that makes all the financial decisions regarding the money of this church. If ye do not understand, then I pray that ye should awake to a remembrance of the awful situation of those that have fallen into transgression.</i><br />
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41) <i>And moreover, I would desire that ye should consider on the blessed and happy state of those that keep the first law of heaven, which is obedience, blind and absolute. For behold, those that do follow this law are blessed in all things, both spiritual and with regards to temporal things like wealth; and if they cannot make ends meet, and are being crushed with overwhelming debt, and don't know how they're going to get through the next day much less the next year, then it therefore follows that they were not faithful to begin with, and thus the sin is upon them, which means they more than anybody better make damn sure that they give me ten percent if they want to be able to get by. Then and only then, IF they have anything left afterwards, then they can use that to feed their children. Oh remember, remember that these things are true, for the Lord God hath spoken it.</i>Zelph Smithhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11382676913326516286noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4967124165657526989.post-18945974181779480442017-03-11T15:08:00.001-08:002017-03-13T15:31:27.824-07:00Mosiah, Chapter 11) And now there was a new book called Mosiah, and it was named after a king who had already died at this point.<br />
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2) For it came to pass that Benjamin was the king, and he had three sons, and he did name his first son Mosiah, and this that the title of this book might still make sense. And Benjamin taught his sons to speak his own language, and not the language of Zarahemla, for he did verily not desire that they might be men of understanding.<br />
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3) And he also taught them concerning the brass plates, saying: <i>My sons, I would that ye should remember that were it not for these plates, we must have suffered in ignorance, not knowing the mysteries of God.</i><i> For it's not like we have prophets.</i><br />
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4) <i>Besides, what would we do without mysteries? Like, for instance, why doth God like to burn things all the time? I don't know! It's a mystery! But I wouldn't be able to wonder it if not for these plates.</i><br />
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5) <i>I say unto you, my sons, were it not for these things, which have been kept and preserved by the hand of God, that we might have His mysteries always before our eyes, our fathers would have stopped believing in the mythologies, and we should have been like unto our brethren, the Lamanites, who have already been described as loving their wives and children, and there would have been no divisions between us, for there would have been no difference in religion.</i><br />
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6) <i>And how much fun would that have been? Really.</i><br />
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7) <i>And now, my sons, I would that ye should remember that even though the brass plates contain more writings than the entire King James Bible, according to 1 Nephi 13:23, and are all dated before 600 BC, only those parts that are identical to the King James version shall be quoted in this book, for it is not meet that future generations shall have any of the material that was lost due to the wickedness of men.</i><br />
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8) And many more things did king Benjamin teach his sons, for verily he was their father, and one would hope he had more than two minutes of interaction with them throughout their lives.<br />
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9) And it came to pass that after king Benjamin had made an end of teaching his sons, that he waxed old. And apparently he did not teach them anything else while he aged. Nevertheless, he thought it expedient that he should confer the kingdom upon one of his sons, rather than let one of them inherit it naturally according to tradition.<br />
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10) Therefore, he had Mosiah brought before him; and these are the words which he spake unto him, saying: <i>You are the oldest, so it's you, obviously.</i><br />
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11) <i>Behold, I would that ye should gather this people together in a manner that closely resembles the Methodist Camp Meetings that Joseph Smith shall attend in the distant future. And I shall give this people a name, but because I am so old and senile I will most likely forget that I said I was going to do that.</i><br />
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12) <i>And I give unto them a name that never shall be blotted out, for how can one blot out that which shall have never been written in the first place?</i><br />
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13) <i>Yea, and moreover I say unto you that if this highly favored people of the Lord should fall into transgression, and become a wicked and an adulterous people, that the Lord will deliver them up, that thereby they become weak like unto their brethren, the Lamanites, who were still strong enough to drive us all out of the land of Nephi somehow.</i><br />
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14) <i>For I say unto you that if God had not extended his arm to preserve our fathers, they must have fallen into the hands of the Lamanites, for I am a prophetic kind of king, and I know such things which nobody else could possibly know.</i><br />
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15) And, after thus failing to give useful advice regarding the hundreds of complex issues faced by monarchs, he handed charge of the kingdom over to his son.<br />
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16) And moreover, he also gave him charge concerning the plates of brass, and also the plates of Nephi, but strangely he said nothing concerning the small plates of Nephi, for their existence had not yet been conceived; and also the sword of Laban which had rusted into oblivion, and the brass balls, which were prepared by the hand of the Lord that thereby our fathers might be led through the wilderness.<br />
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17) Therefore, as they were unfaithful they were driven back, for verily the writings on the ball told them to go backwards, and they heeded them, and they were not smart enough to realize that was the opposite direction, nor were they smart enough to recognize the role confirmation bias was playing in their interpretation of the writings.<br />
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18) And now, it came to pass that Mosiah took the brass balls, and they did strangely look like a brown peep stone, which was nothing like the narrative he had been taught his whole life, for verily he knew nothing about the peep stone. And he did verily wonder how it was possible that so many words and sentences could appear on it, for it was nothing like a smart phone, and he did wonder why nobody had used it for hundreds of years. Nevertheless he assumed there were good explanations.Zelph Smithhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11382676913326516286noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4967124165657526989.post-18166144171023099902017-01-17T00:18:00.000-08:002017-02-10T07:45:23.091-08:00Words of Mormon1) And now I, Zelph Smith Jr, being about to publish the record made by the hands of Mormon, behold I have not learned how to construct a proper sentence...<br />
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2) And it is many hundred years after the coming of Christ that I write down all these prophecies about the coming of Christ, nevertheless they are magical.<br />
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3) And now, I speak somewhat concerning the different sets of plates that have been referenced herein. There are the large plates of Nephi and the small plates of Nephi, the latter having been inserted at the exact place where Martin Harris shall lose the 116 pages, just in case ye missed that detail the first twenty times it was referenced. Oh, but I did not mention the lost 116 pages anywhere in the actual lost 116 pages themselves. That would have been too obvious.<br />
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4) And I know that many of the prophecies have been fulfilled; yea, and I also know that as many things as go beyond this day must surely come to pass. And if they do not, it is either because blessings are predicated on obedience to the laws of the gospel, or because some blessings are carried over into the eternities.<br />
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5) Wherefore, the remainder of my record I shall take from the large plates of Nephi, which is to say I shall continue taking from the large plates of Nephi, since I just now inserted the small plates without any abridgment whatsoever, and it only took like five seconds.<br />
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6) And as for the plates of Lehi, well, I forgot to mention those, but they shall be generally lumped in with the larger plates of Nephi, just to avoid confusion. Nevertheless, apologists shall point out that in the first chapter Nephi said that he had made an abridgment from the record of his father before starting his own work, therefore the large plates of Nephi and the plates of Lehi are one in the same.<br />
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7) And in the year of the commencement of the reign of King Benjamin, Lehi finally decided that his book was complete, and Nephi copied it onto the large plates, after which he went back in time over 400 years and began writing his own history.<br />
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8) Wherefore, there are really only two records, the large and small plates of Nephi, the latter being for strictly spiritual topics, and the former as a strictly secular history, with a shit ton of spiritual material as well. And behold, if thou hast read this far and art not thoroughly confused yet, thou art not doing it right.<br />
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9) And now that that's cleared up, I shall proceed to finish out my record, which is upon the large plates of Nephi, which Nephi conveniently made large enough for a thousand years of record-keeping - and that's the unabridged version.<br />
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10) Wherefore, it came to pass that after Amaleki had delivered up the small plates of Nephi into the hands of king Benjamin, he took them and put them with the large plates, which were then lost like in that final scene in Indiana Jones: The Last Crusade.<br />
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11) And they were handed down from king Benjamin, generation to generation, until they came to me, and now it's my job to condense it all into a short format. And why doth it need to be condensed? It is because many things which are true are not useful. Like, for instance, all those years where the Nephites rejected Christ and His gospel, and yet prospered anyway. Not important.<br />
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12) And now, concerning this king Benjamin - he had a few minor contentions to deal with in his day.<br />
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13) The armies of the Lamanites came down to battle, and king Benjamin gathered together his army and fought with Laban's ornamental sword, which was in remarkably good condition despite being as old as Shakespeare.<br />
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14) And hundreds of people died horrible gruesome deaths that day, but it wasn't a big deal.<br />
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15) And it came to pass that there had been false Christs, and they were punished according to their crimes. And they were spit upon, and beaten, and lifted up on crosses.<br />
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16) And after they had been dealt with in such a manner, the real Christ grew anxious and considered changing his plan about visiting America.<br />
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17) Many Nephites dissented over to the Lamanites, and who could blame them?<br />
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18) And King Benjamin was an holy man, and he did put down anyone who followed a different religion, and with all the free thinkers banished and killed, he did once more establish peace in the land.Zelph Smithhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11382676913326516286noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4967124165657526989.post-16943024431426081052017-01-13T13:32:00.000-08:002017-12-12T00:32:06.866-08:00Omni1) Behold, it came to pass that I, Omni, being commanded by my father to continue the family tradition of formulating incomplete sentences...<br />
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2) Wherefore, I would that ye should know that I of myself am a wicked man, and I have not kept the statutes and commandments of the Lord as I freely admit that I ought to have done. But behold, my son is looking over my shoulder and telling me what to write, and he is not happy that I said that, but verily there is nothing he can do, for it is already etched on plates.<br />
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3) As my first order of business I do hereby forbid my descendants from repeating the phrase "it came to pass" ad nauseam, for behold, linguistic analysis doth make it appear as though each of these short books were written by the same individual. Nevertheless, in order to increase my credibility I shall reduce the generational gap between my father and I to only 44 years. And behold, I have also changed up the formula by claiming under duress that I am a wicked man. So you see, it is a true record after all.<br />
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4) And it came to pass that I, Amaron, did take the book away from my father, Omni.<br />
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5) Behold, it came to pass that... 38 years separated my generation from my father's. Yes, that's right. and despite the fact that the time between now and when Lehi left Jerusalem is 321 years, or about the same as the amount of time between the actual Salem Witch Trials and when David Michael shall have begun the My Book of Mormon Podcast, nevertheless only four generations have passed away. Yes, you heard me correctly. Jacob, the brother of Nephi, was my great-great-grandfather, and he was born over 300 years ago, nevertheless there is nothing to see here. Move along.<br />
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6) Well, nothing to see except that the more wicked part of the Nephites have been destroyed. I mean <i>has</i> been destroyed. Grammar is hard.<br />
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7) Wherefore, the Lord did follow his binding, eternal promise that any wicked people who inhabit the Americas must be destroyed. Immediately. Or, you know, after a couple hundred years. He was a little vague on the timescale.<br />
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8) Nevertheless, despite the relentless cliches, the good Mormon boys and girls in the future did continue reading enthusiastically, for behold, they were knocking out entire books with single chapters, and that did look good upon their seminary reading logs.<br />
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9) Now I, Chemish, am the brother of Amaron, and therefore I did increase the generational gap without adding any generations unto it, and by so doing I have not only not done any favors to my dearly departed brother's narrative, but I have damaged the whole <i>youngest son</i> narrative. And I make an end.<br />
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10) Behold, I, Abinadom, am the son of Chemish, and I did murder a lot of Lamanites in my day. Yea, with mine own sword I have run several of them through, and I did watch their eyes fill with horror, and the light did go out.<br />
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11) And behold, I would like to have written a lot of prophecies and shit like my forefathers, but those bastards took up most of the space, and we only have one fucking page left to cover the next couple of hundred years. So I shall just stick to the whole murdering Lamanites thing.<br />
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12) Behold, I am Amaleki, the son of Abinadom, and being a greedy little shit I shall cease with the whole rapid-fire approach and use up the remaining page all by myself.<br />
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13) And I shall do so in a rambling and chaotic manner, as if I were a young man summarizing another story that I had already written, and that was 116 pages long, as though my deadline to get published was drawing near and I was at the last part that needed translating and I just needed to tie the stories together and my money was running out and everyone was pressuring me and wanting to start a church and stuff already and I wish they would all stop getting on my case already damn it!<br />
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14) Behold, there was a man named Mosiah who was made king over Zarahemla. Fuck! I'm getting ahead of myself. Let me go back and try that again.<br />
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15) There was a man named Mosiah who led the people of Nephi into the wilderness until they came to a land which was called Zarahemla, which was serendipitously inhabited by another group of Jews who had come to America. And Mosiah introduced himself to Zarahemla, and Zarahemla did grow angry that he had been referenced without any introduction as a person, thus leaving all subsequent references to his name ambiguous, since at this point in the story Zarahemla was only introduced as the name of a place.<br />
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16) And the people of Zarahemla did rejoice exceedingly, and Zarahemla, the guy that is, did as well, for they had brought no records with them, and the people of Nephi had fancy shmancy brass plates. And I do write in the third person as if I'm not one of those people of Nephi that I am referring to.<br />
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17) And at the time Mosiah discovered the people of Zarahemla, they had become exceedingly numerous, despite having had many wars and serious contentions and having fallen by the sword from time to time, for, like us, they did not let that dampen their growth rate.<br />
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18) And they denied the existence of a Creator, and neither Mosiah nor the people could understand them. They told him afterwards that is. Damn it, there I go getting ahead of myself again.<br />
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19) You see, they first spent a couple of years teaching the people of Zarahemla their language, without any reciprocation, and that's how they later discovered that the land was called Zarahemla, and the dude too, and that they were all Jews. And then Zarahemla, the dude that is, gave them his genealogy from memory according to their oral tradition, but that is on the 116 pages, therefore I shall not repeat it here. I shall just take up a bunch of space to tell you about it.<br />
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20) And it came to pass that Mosiah and Zarahemla did play paper-rock-scissors, and after having given up in best 4 out of 7, Zarahemla did concede that Mosiah could be their king. And that solves the problem of having to refer to the dude any more, and brings us back to my original point - Mosiah was made king over Zarahemla. The place, that is.<br />
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21) And it came to pass that in the days of Mosiah there was a large stone brought unto him with engravings on it; and he did interpret the engravings by the gift and power of God, or in other words using peep stones placed in his hat.<br />
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22) And it gave an account of Coriantumr, being one of only two places in the entire world where his story was written down. And it also spoke of his ancestors all the way to when his first parents came out from the Tower of Babel, thus proving that such a tower wasn't a myth, but an actual thing, even though every expert everywhere shall disagree. And it spoke of the destruction of his people, whose bones lay northward. It spoke of a lot of things. It was a very large stone.<br />
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23) Behold, I, Amaleki was one of the people who carried it unto him, and I wish we had just brought the fucking bastard to the stone instead.<br />
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24) Behold, I was born in the days of Mosiah, and to be honest I'm glad he died; and Benjamin, his son, reigneth in his stead. And we did fight the Lamanites, as usual, and did drive them out of the land of Zarahemla. How they found us here after the land had been kept secret from all of us for over three hundred years is anybody's guess.<br />
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25) And it came to pass that I began to be old, which in our family usually means it's time to marry a teenager and beget an heir, but that didn't work out for me, and knowing Benjamin to be a real badass, I shall deliver up these plates to him.<br />
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26) And now, my beloved brethren, blah blah blah.<br />
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27) Oh wait, I forgot one last thing to complete the story arc so I can get this thing to the press already. There were a certain number who desired to go back to the land of Nephi to possess the land of their inheritance.<br />
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28) And their leader whose name was not recorded, being a strong and stiffnecked man, did lead them through the pass of Cirith Ungol, and when they took shelter within a tower he did cause a contention among them such that by the time Samwise arrived there were only fifty left.<br />
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29) And they came back, shrugged it off, and tried again.<br />
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30) And I, Amaleki, had a brother who went with them, and I have not since known concerning them, and I am getting very old, and what do you know! These plates are full! Let's wrap it up and take them down to ol' E. B. Grandin.<br />
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<br />Zelph Smithhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11382676913326516286noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4967124165657526989.post-33437021714285902772016-10-12T19:50:00.001-07:002017-02-10T07:35:49.023-08:00Jarom1) Now behold, I, Jarom, write a few words according to the commandment of my father, Enos, that our genealogy may be kept.<br />
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2) And as these plates are small and running out of room quickly, I shall spare ye the boring stuff, for there is nothing more that I could write that my fathers have not already written. For have not they already revealed the entire plan of salvation? I say unto you, nay. Not really; nevertheless this sufficeth me.<br />
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3) Behold, as my only stated purpose in writing this is to preserve our genealogy, I could simply write <i>Jarom, son of Enos</i>. But that would be too easy, so I shall go the extra mile and write a little more.<br />
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4) And by extra mile I do not mean that I shall write the names of my brothers, or anyone's birth dates. Nope, not even a marriage or two. There are some women around here as well, and only a few hundred people to keep track of, but no, rather than fill these precious remaining pages with actual genealogy like I was supposed to, I shall instead wax verbose.<br />
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5) And now, behold, two hundred years had passed away, and my father must have been really fucking old, like eighty, when he had me, for this dysfunctional timeline to continue to work. And my grandfather must have been eighty when he had <i>him</i>. But do not worry, this is not evidence that our wives were half our age. The Lord kept their reproductive systems active well into advanced years, and we always chose the youngest child to pass the record on to, even though that is in complete contradiction with Jewish custom, so ye can just take that little concern from off your shelves.<br />
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6) And our population growth rate was unbelievably high, yeah, we had already spread upon much of the face of the land, and that's not even counting the Lamanites who were exceedingly more numerous than they. I mean we. Sometimes I do not get my pronouns straight, despite this book having been translated by the power of God.<br />
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7) And it came to pass that we even had enough people to have battles, but they weren't very bloody considering our sustained and inflated growth rate, and the fact that we kept living long enough to have children into our eighties. Wherefore we withstood the Lamanites and swept them away out of our lands. Yea, we verily did not want them as our neighbors.<br />
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8) And the Lamanites multiplied exceedingly despite having fewer patriarchs than we did to begin with, which is indubitably a testament to the safety and industry of their society, which thing we do hate. Nevertheless, because we kept sweeping them away and plundering their property, we did become exceedingly rich in all their stuff, including brass and steel, which is abundant somehow despite never having been forged in ancient America - yea, and since we're talking about anachronisms, we did grow exceedingly rich in uranium, and did become expert in the refining of plutonium.<br />
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9) And thus being prepared with nuclear arsenal to meet the Lamanites, they did not prosper against us. But the word of the Lord was verified, saying that: <i>Inasmuch as ye shall have continual wars and bloodshed, conveniently none of the named characters in this book shall ever actually seem to die in battle.</i><br />
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10) And it came to pass that the prophets of the Lord did threaten the people of Nephi, according to the loving word of God which had been delivered via imperfect men, that if they did not keep the commandments they should be destroyed from off the face of the land.<br />
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11) Nevertheless, the people knew that the date of their destruction had already been prophesied by their forefathers, and because it was not foreordained to happen during their generation (for Christ had not even come yet), they could do whatever the hell they wanted.<br />
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12) And it came to pass that God was forced to keep them from being destroyed upon the face of the land; for they did have a good point and He knew it.<br />
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13) And it came to pass that an extra thirty years passed away, and I realized that I still had these stupid plates laying around that I started writing on a few decades ago, so I figured I'd write a couple of extra verses.<br />
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14) And I, Jarom, do not write more. That's what I dusted them off to say. If ye have any questions, go to those 116 lost pages, for we never tire of referring to them. We just keep bringing them up over and over.<br />
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15) And I deliver these plates into the hands of my son Omni, whom I also begat when I was exceedingly old, and even though he is a rather wicked man, he is my youngest, and therefore I must follow the tradition so that we might continue to have a viable timeline.Zelph Smithhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11382676913326516286noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4967124165657526989.post-58893798174544000662016-08-08T11:20:00.001-07:002017-02-10T07:21:21.478-08:00Enos1) Behold, it came to pass that I, Enos, knowing my father had a testimony of the truthfulness of the gospel - for he taught me to pray and listen for the spirit - and this sentence shall trail off without a valid predicate...<br />
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2) And I will tell you of the wrestle which I had before God, in the which I did strive to feel the spirit for myself.<br />
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3) Behold, I went to hunt beasts in the forests; and the words which I had often heard my father speak concerning warm fuzzies and a burning in the bosom sunk deep into my heart.<br />
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4) And my soul hungered; and I kneeled down before my Maker, and I cried unto him in mighty prayer and supplication; and all the day long did I cry unto him; yea, and when the night came I did still raise my voice high that it reached the heavens.<br />
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5) And I didn't feel anything. Not a single goddamned thing.<br />
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6) And I, Enos, knew that God could not lie; wherefore, since he had given me a specific scriptural promise, I knew it was only a matter of time before it was fulfilled.<br />
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7) And I offered another twenty-four hour prayer the next time I went hunting, but still no result.<br />
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8) And I wondered if it was because I had not sufficient faith in Christ, whom I had never before heard nor seen. I thought I did, but perhaps I was wrong. So I decided to pray for more faith.<br />
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9) Now, it came to pass that when I prayed for faith I began to feel an intense desire to feel the spirit, wherefore, I did pour out my whole soul unto God for that divine witness.<br />
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10) And while I was thus struggling for the spirit, behold, my bosom felt as bland as a rice cake in a bowl of water. And I did begin to wonder if there was something wrong with me.<br />
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11) And after I, Enos, had failed in many long strugglings, I decided that it was all a test, and I did double down on my faith in the Lord, that it might be unshaken.<br />
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12) And it came to pass that after I had prayed and labored with all diligence for many years, they made me bishop, and I did pretend that I had felt the spirit, for I did not wish to give the youth any reason to doubt.<br />
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13) And now behold, I taught the youth that they could ask God for anything in faith, and that he would give unto them liberally. And they thought I said <i>literally</i>, and they began to ask for things like world peace, an end to poverty, and universal human rights. Therefore I had to correct them, and I did say unto them that they were being smart asses, and that they lacked real faith.<br />
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14) For at the present my strugglings were vain in restoring them to true faith. And they swore in their wrath that God did not actually answer anyone's prayers, if he existed at all.<br />
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15) Wherefore, I came up with an idea to show them. For behold, God had said: <i>Whatsoever thing ye shall ask in faith, believing that ye shall receive, ye shall receive it. </i>True, he said this in Matthew 21:22, which hasn't been written yet, but God told us long before he told Matthew.<br />
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16) And I had faith, and I did cry unto God in front of all of them that he would preserve our records, but behold, they were smarter than I expected, and they pointed out that I had wasted my breath, for God had already given the exact same promise to our forefathers.<br />
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17) And I, Enos, knew that I was simply parroting the teachings I had been raised with.<br />
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18) And I wondered if my fathers had also never felt the spirit; but I knew that they must have according to their faith; for their faith was like unto mine.<br />
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19) And now it came to pass that I, Enos, went about praying, for I knew that the Lord operated on his own timetable, and meanwhile I testified of things which I had not yet heard, seen, or felt.<br />
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20) And I bear record that the people of Nephi did seek diligently to restore the Lamanites unto the true faith in God. But our labors were vain, for our goal was clearly conversion, not reconciliation, and the Lamanites were led by their evil nature that they became wild, and ferocious, and a blood-thirsty people, full of idolatry and filthiness; drinking alcohol; watching porn; eating babies, and all manner of depravity that is inherent in the nature of man, and which can only be tempered by belief in God. And they were continually seeking to destroy us.<br />
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21) And it came to pass that the people of Nephi did till the land, raise grain, grow gardens, and did keep flocks of all manner of animals that did not exist in the Americas prior to Columbus, namely cattle, goats, and horses. And we did kiss babies, and sing hymns, and we did smile all the fucking day long.<br />
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22) And there were exceedingly many prophets among us And the people were a stiffnecked people, contrary to everything I just said.<br />
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23) And there was nothing save it was exceeding harshness, berating, scolding, rebuking, prophesying of wars, and contentions, and destructions, and continually reminding them of death, and the duration of eternity, and the judgments and the power of God, stirring them up continually to keep them in the fear of the Lord, and all these things lovingly, I say there was nothing short of these things that would keep them from going down speedily to destruction. And we did use the same approach in trying to convert the Lamanites, but behold their hatred towards us only grew.<br />
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24) And I saw wars between the Nephites and Lamanites in the course of my days, and could not for the life of me figure out why.<br />
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25) And it came to pass that I began to be old, and an hundred and seventy and nine years had passed away from the time that our father Lehi left Jerusalem, and my father Jacob was a <i>very</i> old man when he had me, and that should answer your question before ye even have a chance to ask it.<br />
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26) And I saw that I must soon go down to my grave, having still never felt the spirit. Nevertheless I had spent my days praying, according to the truth which is in our church. And I have sought this witness in all my days, and have been exceedingly patient with God.<br />
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27) And I soon go to the place of my rest, which is with my Redeemer; and I know that in the next life I shall surely feel the spirit, and then I shall have a testimony. I'm pretty sure. And I shall rejoice in that day when my mortal shall put on immortality, and I shall not only feel the spirit, but I shall stand before God, and shall see his face directly, and he will say unto me: <i>Come unto me, thou good and faithful servant. For thy unwavering faith there is a place prepared for you in the mansions of my Father.</i> There is no doubt about it. I hope. Amen.Zelph Smithhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11382676913326516286noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4967124165657526989.post-17235051826797011312016-08-07T16:25:00.001-07:002016-11-02T04:01:37.771-07:00Jacob, Chapter 71) And now it came to pass that after some years had passed away, something cool happened, yea, and I did dust off this record and began writing again, one last time.<br />
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2) It came to pass that there came a man among the people whose name was Sherem. And it came to came to pass that he did preach and declare unto them that there should be no Christ. And he preached many things which were logical and reasonable unto the people; yea, and his teachings were very flattering, because they did cause the people to feel as though they were smart enough to think for themselves.<br />
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3) And he labored diligently that he might lead away the hearts of the people, for thus I describe it whenever a man preacheth beliefs that I disagree with; and he knowing that I, Jacob, did labor diligently that I might lead souls in the correct path, which is a different thing altogether, he sought much opportunity that he might convert me to his way of thinking.<br />
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4) But what he did not realize what that he was a character in a fictional story, and when your entire existence is a product of someone who is making shit up, literally anything can happen to you.<br />
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5) Wherefore, he had hope to shake me from the faith using his reason and his science, notwithstanding I was armed with a +5 confirmation bias broadsword against logic. And also, I had read <i>Shaken Faith Syndrome</i> by Michael Ash, wherefore I could not be shaken.<br />
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6) And it came to pass that Sherem came unto me, and on this wise did he speak unto me, saying: <i>Brother Jacob, I address you with that title notwithstanding I am not a member of your church, yea, and I am not even your brother. More like a nephew or grandchild or something. Everyone keeps forgetting about our family size and inbreeding. There aren't many options.</i><br />
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7) <i>But lo! Ye have failed to keep thy pronouns straight! And ye have abandoned the law of Moses six-hundred years before Christ should come and do away with it, and this technically maketh thy church an apostate sect right now. Yea, ye hast adopted a form of Christianity, and hast justified your clear departure from Judaism by claiming that some day Christianity will exist, kind of like the defense "they were products of their time," but in reverse. What sayest thou?</i><br />
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8) And behold, notwithstanding his shitty pronouns, he did have a pretty good point, but I wasn't ready to give up so easily.<br />
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9) And I besought him, saying: <i>Deniest thou the Christ who shall come?</i> And he said: <i>If there should be a Christ, I would not deny him; but I know that if we were bound by the gospel of the future, then Joseph Smith would have been excommunicated for practicing polygamy, Brigham Young would have been expected to give blacks the priesthood, and thou wouldst probably be fucked for keeping gay marriage out of the temple.</i><br />
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10) And I said unto him: <i>Believest thou the scriptures? </i>And he said, <i>Nay.</i><br />
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11) And I said unto him: <i>Well let's assume that thou dost. Behold, they truly testify of Christ. Behold, I say unto you that none of the prophets have written, nor prophesied about him explicitly, but never underestimate the power of being able to see what thou wantest to see.</i><br />
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12) <i>And this is not all - it has been made manifest unto me that the Old Testament doth not even seem to teach belief in an afterlife of any kind, for all ordinances are outward, designed to appease a God that exerteth power upon the living, and that this seemeth to undermine even the concept of an atonement for mankind. But behold, it is not so. Because the Holy Ghost.</i><br />
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13) And it came to pass that he said unto me: <i>Show me a sign by the power of the Holy Ghost, in the which ye know so much.</i><br />
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14) And I said unto him: <i>Nay. People do not actually receive signs, for then belief would come too easily. Yet thou art an asshole, and because thou art of the devil thou wouldst not believe even if thou didst receive a sign! So that would probably give thee a slightly better chance of getting one, I suppose.</i> And he said unto me, <i>yeah huh, I would too believe if I got a sign.</i> And I said, <i>fuck it. This is a fictional story anyway. Here's your sign. Be cursed!</i><br />
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15) And it came to pass that when I, Jacob, had spoken these words, the power of the Lord came upon him, insomuch that he fell to the earth. And it came to pass that he was nourished for the space of many days. Nevertheless, there was none who would change his bed sheets whenever he shat himself, and it was according to the pleasure of God.<br />
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16) And it came to pass that he became sick on account of his poor hygiene, and he said unto the people: <i>Gather together on the morrow, for I shall die; wherefore, I desire to speak unto the people before I shall die.</i><br />
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17) And it came to pass that on the morrow the multitude were gathered together; and the stench reached far and wide, and he was bleeding from his eyeballs, and he did cough, and did spatter his handkerchief with blood.<br />
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18) And he spake plainly unto the people that he had been deceived by the power of the devil, but that he was much happier now that he had repented and accepted Christ. And he did cough again, and chunks of raw lung projected from his esophagus.<br />
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19) And he came right up to my face, and did say unto me: <i>I confess that thou dost have the power of God, for I did see it with mine own eyes.</i> And he began to laugh, and in his hysteria he did fall to the Earth. And I did ask of him, <i>what is so funny?</i> For I beheld that he was in the final throes of death. And behold, he said unto me: <i>Thou saidst that I wouldn't believe. Some prophet!</i><br />
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20) And it came to pass that when he had said these words he laughed again, grinning, and he gave up the ghost.<br />
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21) And when the multitude had witnessed that he had pwned me with his last breath, they were astonished exceedingly, insomuch that they did lose all respect for me, and went home.<br />
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22) Now, Sherem's death was pleasing unto me, Jacob, for I had requested it of my Father who was in heaven; for he had heard my cry and answered my prayer.<br />
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23) And I don't give a flying fuck if the people of Nephi or any of you judgmental assholes in the future think I am a monster because of it. I don't need your approval. All I care about is that the people of Nephi can no longer hearken unto the words of a wicked man whom I disagreed with on theological grounds that one time.<br />
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24) But it came to pass that I was wrong, for in his death I had turned Sherem into a martyr, and his philosophies of analytical thought and skepticism did begin to take hold, insomuch that our society began to be exceedingly secular.<br />
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25) Wherefore, the people of Nephi did make peace with the Lamanites, for they no longer saw themselves as superior because of their whiteness, or entitled to be leaders and teachers over their brethren, but rather they began to see themselves as equals.<br />
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26) And it came to pass that I, Jacob, began to be old; and my racist and supremacist tendencies were no longer tolerated. And I beheld that the record of this people was kept on the other plates of Nephi - ye know, the ones that Martin Harris lost - and notwithstanding there being two records that were essentially identical, I did continue to insist that we had to limit what we wrote and try not to repeat ourselves. Not sure if I've said that or not yet. Anyhoo, I conclude this record by saying that our lives passed away like as it were unto us a dream, yea, even as a fiction.<br />
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27) And I, Jacob, saw that I must soon go down to my grave; wherefore, I said unto my son Enos: Takes these plates. And I told him to give them back, for I had not yet written this last verse. So I wrote it, and then I gave the plates unto him again, but seeing as this verse was again not quite complete, he did once more give them back unto me. And now I make an end, for I see no way to properly hand these plates off within the body of my narrative. Adios hermanos.Zelph Smithhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11382676913326516286noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4967124165657526989.post-25390635496464190992016-08-02T10:09:00.001-07:002016-08-08T00:21:34.701-07:00Jacob, Chapter 61) And now, behold, after I had read the words of Zenos, the people did desire to see it for themselves upon the brass plates, for verily they had never heard of Zenos, neither had such a name ever been discovered among all the archaeological findings of ancient Israel.<br />
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2) And they did claim that Zenos sounded a lot like Enos from the Book of Genesis, and did accuse me of simply adding a Z to make it sound cool, and then fabricating the entire story, for verily the whole thing did sound much like an amalgamation of Romans Chapter 11 and Isaiah Chapter 5, the latter having already been plagiarized by my brother as 2 Nephi, Chapter 15.<br />
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3) And I said unto them, <i>I have not fabricated any of this story, despite the strange inconsistencies and heavily borrowed material. Nevertheless it will conveniently disappear one day from all records, only to be rediscovered thanks to Joseph Smith.</i><br />
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4) <i>And as for the name Enos, it is true. I like it. In fact I have given my son that name. But that is only coincidence and has nothing to do with Zenos, which is a completely different name. And besides, Joseph Smith couldn't possibly have known about the horticultural practices that were described.</i><br />
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5) And they said unto me, <i>he was a farmer. And besides, wild branches can not yield tame fruit. That is genetically impossible.</i><br />
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6) And I said unto them, <i>harden not your hearts; for why will ye die?</i><br />
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7) <i>For behold, after ye have been nourished by the good word of God all the day long, if ye will reject these words ye shall be cast into the fire and suffer the epitome of endless torment.</i><br />
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8) And they did accuse me of escalating the debate, and of attempting to shut down rational discussion by using death threats.<br />
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9) And I said unto them, <i>know ye not that God doeth it all the time? Therefore, debate not, question not, for unless ye accept my words at face value Christ will bring you to stand with shame and awful guilt before the bar of God.</i><br />
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10) <i>And because ye did not arbitrarily choose to cleave unto these words as opposed to any other of thousands of philosophical writings, justice cannot be denied, and ye must go away into that lake of fire and brimstone, whose flames are unquenchable, and whose smoke ascendeth up forever and ever, which lake of fire and brimstone is endless torment.</i><br />
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11) Oh then, my beloved non-member neighbors reading this in modern times, thank you for joining us for Family Home Evening tonight. I'm sorry ye had to hear that particular verse, but it's where we left off last week, and we have to follow tradition. I swear there are uplifting parts somewhere in this book. Here let me offer a trite, uninspiring, but quippy one-liner as damage control:<br />
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12) O be wise; what can I say more?<br />
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13) Ah, ye are leaving. That is not the moral I expected ye to draw from my idiom. I bid you farewell, then, until I shall meet you before the pleasing bar of God, which bar is so pleasing that it shall strike you down with awful dread and fear. Are you sure you don't want to stay for dessert?Zelph Smithhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11382676913326516286noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4967124165657526989.post-38958459060398034002016-07-07T18:32:00.001-07:002016-08-08T00:19:09.374-07:00Jacob, Chapter 51) Behold, my brethren, do ye not remember to have read the words of the prophet Zenos, which I have right here on the brass plates we stole from Laban?<br />
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2) And behold, notwithstanding ye can read them at any time, I shall copy all 77 verses onto these plates of Nephi for no apparent reason, even though I am running out of room and just complained about how hard is it to engrave anything.<br />
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3) <i>For behold</i>, thus saith the Lord, <i>I will paint thee, O house of Israel in Jerusalem, with a broad brush and think of thee as if ye were all part of an olive tree, for I must judge nations as a whole and do not have time to consider your unique circumstances individually.</i><br />
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4) And it came to pass that the master of the vineyard went forth and saw that there were olive trees growing where there should have been grapes, and he did wonder if he should instead start calling it an orchard or a grove, but did eschew the thought and continued to call it a vineyard.<br />
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5) And it came to pass that he did callously ignore all the other trees and paid special attention to the one that represented Israel, digging and pruning and doing whatever it is that grape growers do to olive trees.<br />
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6) And it came to pass that after many days it began to put forth a few young and tender branches, for behold, that is what olive trees do in the Spring. Nevertheless, the main top began to perish.<br />
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7) And it came to pass that the master of the vineyard said unto his servant: <i>It grieveth me that I should lose this tree; wherefore, pluck off all the branches which are beginning to wither away, and we will cast them into the fire that they may be burned.</i><br />
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8) <i>And behold,</i> saith the Lord of the vineyard, <i>notwithstanding I desire to save this tree, I will cut off many of these good new shoots as well, that I may preserve the fruit of this tree even if it should die, for Israelites are more delightsome to me than people that grow from other cultures. Not to be racist or anything.</i><br />
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9) <i>And since I am weakening this tree by getting rid of a lot of the new growth, just replace it by grafting branches from other trees. And these which I have plucked off I will cast into the fire and burn them, that they may not cumber the ground of my vineyard.</i><br />
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10) And the servant was incredulous, and said,<i> thou art going to burn the new branches?</i> For the servant did not realize that the Lord had used a dangling participle. Nor did he understand why they were cutting and grafting all over the place. It made no sense. Nevertheless he did as the Lord commanded.<br />
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11) And the Lord repeated himself, saying: <i>It grieveth me that I should lose this tree, wherefore, let's keep working on it, that I might preserve the roots that they perish not.</i><br />
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12) And the servant was confused again, for he thought that it was the fruit the Lord wanted to save. Not the roots..<br />
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13) And the Lord said, <i>these will I transplant in the nethermost part of my vineyard, and I do not care what thou thinkest about it, and I do this that I may preserve not just the fruit and the roots, but the branches as well, for if I chop this tree into enough fucking pieces then some of them are bound to survive, right?</i><br />
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14) And the servant was again confused at the Lord's shitty use of dangling participles, thinking perhaps he was talking about transplanting the roots, but after thinking about the context he decided that the Lord must have been talking about transplanting the new branches, which he originally thought were going to be burned. And the servant was relieved, though a little put off that the Lord dismissed his opinion before even hearing it.<br />
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15) And so the Lord hid the natural branches from his servant, somehow. And it came to pass that the Lord abandoned his vineyard completely for a long time, just like any good omnipotent Lord would do.<br />
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16) And it came to pass that the Lord said unto the servant, <i>who art thou supposed to represent? For it would be impossible to hide branches from Jesus or any of the angels, and the prophets on Earth are unreliable servants at best, if not part of the tree itself as per the metaphor. So whom art thou?</i><br />
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17) And it came to pass that the servant shrugged, and showed him the tree. And behold, the wild branches that were grafted in the place of the natural branches did bear fruit that was just as good as the natural fruit. And the servant said unto the Lord, <i>behold, wild branches are just as good as natural branches, so there is no reason to try to save this tree at all. Let us just focus on all the other trees in this vineyard.</i><br />
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18) And the Lord said unto him: <i>Behold, it is not that the branches from the wild trees are any good. The only reason they brought forth good fruit was because they were attached to the roots of the natural tree. Kind of like the black people who only ever succeed in life because they are attached to white Americans, who are industrious and virtuous.</i><br />
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19) And it came to pass that the servant realized his Lord was racist, and suddenly it made sense why he called his chosen race "natural" and all other races "wild."<br />
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20) But he put it out of his mind, and went with the Lord to where he had hid the natural branches, and the Lord said unto the servant: <i>This is where I planted the natural branches. I guess there wasn't much point in hiding them from you. But look, this long time have I nourished this tree, despite being away from my vineyard, and it hath brought forth much fruit.</i><br />
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21) And it came to pass that the servant said unto his master: <i>Are we ever going to harvest any of this fruit? Seasons seem to be coming and going, especially since these shoots have had time to grow into mature trees themselves, but we never do any picking? I don't get it.</i><br />
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22) And the Lord of the vineyard was angry, and said: <i>Counsel me not! I knew that this would be an imperfect metaphor, so just roll with it!</i><br />
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23) And it came to pass that the Lord of the vineyard said unto his servant: <i>Look hither; behold I have planted this one in a shitty piece of ground, but still it hath brought forth much fruit. I had my omniscience turned on when I planted that one.</i><br />
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24) <i>And behold, I had my omniscience turned on when I planted this other one too, and look at how right I was.</i><br />
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25) And he said unto the servant: <i>But behold, I forgot to turn on my omniscience before I planted that one thither, and simply decided where to plant it based on what I thought was a good spot of ground. My mistake. Now only half of it is growing tame fruit. The other half is growing grapes or some shit.</i><br />
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26) And it came to pass that the Lord of the vineyard said unto the servant, <i>pluck off the branches that clearly represent the Lamanites, and cast them into the fire. For I have turned my omniscience back on and do perceive that the wild Lamanites will overcome the natural Nephites in the future.</i><br />
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27) But behold, the servant said unto him: <i>Turn off thy omniscience, for that doth wreck the narrative, and let us try to save these wicked branches, that perhaps we might create a different outcome than what thou hast already foretold.</i><br />
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28) And it came to pass that the Lord of the vineyard did turn off his omniscience, and did think once again that he had a chance of saving the tree. And he did realize that there were other trees in the vineyard, and for once gave them all equal attention.<br />
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29) And it came to pass that a long time had passed away, and the Lord of the vineyard said unto his servant: <i>Come, let us go down on each other, and then let us labor again in the vineyard. For behold, the harvest season doth draw near. See? That's how I intended this metaphor to work. The entire history of the Earth is compressed into one growing season, notwithstanding the fruit doth seem to continually die and get replaced with new fruit that is either good or bad. And I know that the tree representing Israel supposedly existed long before this season even started, since it had time to grow old. Just bear with me and my metaphor, okay?</i><br />
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30) And it came to pass that the Lord of the vineyard went down on the servant, and the servant felt better about all the confusion. And behold, all sorts of seed did cumber his mouth.<br />
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31) And it came to pass that the Lord of the vineyard did taste of the fruit as well, and said: <i>Behold, this long time have we worked in the vineyard, and never until now have I laid up against thee.</i><br />
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32) <i>But behold, now all my trees are fucked up, and behold all the fruit that was perfectly good a few days ago has now magically turned bad, and it profiteth me nothing, for profit is indeed my ultimate goal.</i><br />
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33) And the Lord of the vineyard said unto the servant: <i>What shall we do to magically turn this fruit good again, for the season of blossoming hath already passed, and there can not any new fruit grow until next Spring.</i><br />
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34) And the servant said unto his master: <i>Behold, thou hast forgotten what thou hast told me, that this is an imperfect metaphor. But, if I were to carry it through to its logical conclusion, I would say that the racial mixing thou didst cause by grafting in the wild branches did pollute the ethnic purity of thy tree. Nevertheless, the roots are still good, if we can get back to them.</i><br />
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35) And it came to pass that the Lord of the vineyard said: <i>Fuck it. You can never separate the creamer from the coffee once it hath been mixed.</i><br />
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36) <i>Nevertheless, I know that the roots are good, just like my original gospel is good. There are only a few minor doctrines that are fucked up.</i><br />
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37) <i>But behold, the Arabs have come through like the Jihad and have overrun the Israelites, and because the people of God have been infected by their Muslim culture they have all become evil, and unless they fix their shit I'm going to throw the whole Middle-East into the bonfire, roots and all.</i><br />
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38) And it came to pass that the Lord of the vineyard said unto his servant: <i>I'm tired of dealing with this shit. Let us go down on our nethermost parts again.</i><br />
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39) And after they had went down on their nethermost regions, they went to the tree that represented the Nephites and the Lamanites.<br />
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40) And the Lamanite fruit had completely overcome the Nephite fruit, insomuch that it had become thoroughly exterminated.<br />
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41) And it came to pass that the Lord of the vineyard wept, and said unto the servant: <i>What could I have done more for my vineyard?</i><br />
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42) And the servant said, <i>I suppose if thou didst turn thy omniscience back on thou wouldst know.</i><br />
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43) But the Lord ignored him, and kept complaining about how bad all of his trees had turned out to be despite the many good things he thought he had done for them.<br />
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44) And he did rant about how ungrateful all his trees were, and pointed out that he had wiped out the Jaredite tree to make room for the Lehite one, and still they refused to bow down and worship his awesomeness.<br />
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45) And his tirade did become very difficult to listen to, and the Lord did call his trees by racial slurs, even apes, wetbacks, niggers, redskins, chinks, dinks, wiggers, wops, micks, cholos, polaks, quashies, ragheads, and squinties.<br />
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46) And now, notwithstanding the Lord had created his vineyard, and did look unto his creations as if they were his children, he did say:<i> Behold, they are of no worth unto me but to be hewn down and cast into the fire; nevertheless it grieveth me that I should have to punish them so.</i><br />
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47) <i>But what choice do I have? It's not my fault. Sure I went long stretches of time without even visiting my vineyard, but when I actually did any work I worked hard, dammit! My own negligence couldn't possibly be to blame. It must be someone else. Who is it that has corrupted my vineyard?</i><br />
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48) And it came to pass that the servant said unto his master: <i>Would this be a good time to turn back on thy omniscience? If not, that's cool, but perhaps the problem is that the branches have overcome the roots, and have grown faster than the strength of the roots. Behold, I know that's exactly why we pruned, and I know that thou thinkest that we have pruned sufficiently already, according to thy rant, but since thy omniscience is still off at the moment, could it be that thou mightest be wrong about that particular point?</i><br />
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49) And it came to pass that the Lord of the vineyard said unto the servant: <i>Fuck pruning. I shall hew down every motherfucking tree in the entire motherfucking vineyard and burn them all to the motherfucking ground. It was supposed to be a grape farm in the first place anyway. Fuck this shit.</i><br />
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50) But, behold, the servant said unto the Lord of the vineyard: <i>Spare it a little longer.</i><br />
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51) And the Lord said: <i>fine, but only if thou blowest me again.</i><br />
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52) And the servant took the Lord so deep that his foreskin did melt away from the stomach acids. And his omniscience was turned on.<br />
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53) And the Lord said: <i>I've got it! Let us take the branches of the Nephite tree and graft them back to the Israelite tree. And let us take some branches from all these other trees and graft them back as well.</i><br />
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54) <i>And then let us take some branches from the Israelite tree and graft them onto every other tree. If we cut branches all over the place and graft them everywhere, then everything will be a big hodgepodge and it will all magically work out!</i><br />
<br />
55) And it came to pass that they had a grafting party.<br />
<br />
56) And when they were done they said unto themselves, <i>we can do better than that.</i><br />
<br />
57) <i>Let us do it again, but this time let us cut the brush, and make it wet, and fertilize all these damn trees.</i><br />
<br />
58) <i>We shall have a grafting party the likes of which have never been seen in the history of grafting parties, and The Wolf of Wall Street will stand in awe at the sheer debauchery of it all.</i><br />
<br />
59) <i>And this we shall do because, well, why the hell not? We've got nothing to lose. It's all bad anyway.</i><br />
<br />
60) <i>Sure, perhaps I should have done this a long time ago so that my vineyard could have been fruitful throughout the duration of the metaphor, but, you know, better late than never.</i><br />
<br />
61) <i>Wherefore, go to, and call servants, that we may make this the best fucking grafting party that has ever been seen in the history of grape vineyards that are made up of nothing but olive trees.</i><br />
<br />
62) <i>Seriously though. Let's do this.</i><br />
<br />
63) <i>I'm not joking.</i><br />
<br />
64) <i>Nobody wants to come?</i><br />
<br />
65) <i>Was it something I said?</i><br />
<br />
66) <i>I thought I had a really good idea going here. What if I bring pizza?</i><br />
<br />
67) <i>Fine. And beer. On me. Ungrateful little shits.</i><br />
<br />
68) <i>No, there won't be any karaoke. This chapter has already dragged on long enough and I'm tired of repeating the same basic thing verse after verse. Let's keep it interesting people.</i><br />
<br />
69) <i>Yes, you can throw all the bad fruit out of the vineyard at the end. I'm going to burn the whole motherfucker down anyway. What do I care?</i><br />
<br />
70) And it came to pass that the servants came, but not as many as the Lord had originally hoped for.<br />
<br />
71) And the Lord of the vineyard said unto them: <i>Now here were are in 1828, modern times. Let's </i><br />
<i>clear out all these various belief systems in the Earth and see if we can unify them under the one true theocracy that fills the entire world.</i><br />
<br />
72) And it came to pass that the servant said: <i>Thou art treading on dangerous ground now, for these next verses contain events that are yet to come, and we don't know if any of this shit will actually be fulfilled or not.</i><br />
<br />
73) And the Lord said: <i>It mattereth not whether it is fulfilled, just so long as it keeps the faithful under our control.</i><br />
<br />
74) And thus they labored into the future, with all diligence, even until all the bad had been cast away out of the Earth in flagrant contradiction to the narrative that the world grew more wicked, and the world did become part of one church, and nobody earned more money than anybody else. Especially not more than the Smiths.<br />
<br />
75) And it came to pass that when the Lord of the vineyard saw that his fruit was good, and that there was no longer any trace of corruption, he rejoiced with his servants, and blessed them, and they had joy.<br />
<br />
76) And the Lord said, <i>for the next thousand years will I sit back and feast upon the fruit by myself, one by one, and I shall grow fat on your hides according to that which I have spoken.</i><br />
<br />
77) <i>And once I have gorged myself on every last piece of fruit in the entire goddamned garden I shall gather it all together, every last tree and every last branch, and I shall burn it all with fire to the goddamn bitch-ass motherfucking ground, so help me God. Amen.</i>Zelph Smithhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11382676913326516286noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4967124165657526989.post-61531225317597332292016-07-01T15:11:00.001-07:002016-07-07T14:14:02.304-07:00Jacob, Chapter 41) Now behold, it came to pass that I, Jacob, cannot write but a little of my words, because of the enormous difficulty of engraving our words upon plates, therefore I take some of this precious remaining space to write about how difficult it is to write.<br />
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
2) Whatsoever things we write upon anything save it be upon plates must perish and vanish away; yea, I know the invention of papyrus has not reached us yet, but verily I did inscribe my last journal entry upon the sands of the beach, and that did not work out well. Also, those Mayan glyphs etched in stone must be broken asunder eventually, wood will certainly burn, and don't even get me started on the Nazca Lines!</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
3) No, we labor diligently to engraven this unusually lengthy record upon plates, hoping that our children will receive it with thankful hearts. Nevertheless, despite our implied high literacy rate we do not make any copies of these words, for a copy might be copied again many times, and it may be that fragments of those copies may someday be found scattered across the archaeological record, and that would take away all the challenge for future Gentiles to obtain a faith.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
4) Four, for this intent have we written these things, that they may know that we knew of Christ, or rather that they may know that we know that they actually have faith, not actually knowing, seeing as God prefers to suppress independent evidence. And we even knew Christ's name many hundreds of years before He was even born, which is not a red flag at all!</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
5) Behold, not just us, but all the prophets of the Old Testament believed in Christ as well. Granted, they never actually used His name, but their ambiguous and self-fulling parallels and descriptions can be convincing if your intent in the first place is to convince yourself. Behold, they totally spoke of Christ, anachronistically, centuries before his birth, and if the Bible says something stupid then that justifies it when the Book of Mormon does so as well.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
6) Wherefore, we read the Old Testament, and we often proclaim that we know it is true, therefore through simple repetition we have convinced ourselves that it is true, insomuch that we have allowed ourselves to abandon reason.<br />
<br />
7) But seeing as this is a fictional account we can embellish, therefore the very trees obey us, the mountains move at our beck and call, and the waves of the sea know exactly what to do when we stretch forth our hands in ambiguous gestures.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
8) Behold, how unsearchable are the depths of the mysteries of the Lord; and it is impossible that man should ever get to the bottom of them. And no man knoweth of His ways save it shall be in a fuzzy subjective manner that can not be expressed using human language. Wherefore, brethren, ask not the prophet what the hell is going on with the doctrine, for he couldn't explain it even if he tried.<br />
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
9) Behold, God spake and the world was created. Can human speech create new planets? I think not. Therefore ye see how limited your powers of communication are.</div>
</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
10) Wherefore, brethren, seek not to counsel the Lord, for when ye counsel the prophet it is tantamount to counseling the Lord. Instead take counsel from his hand, for behold, ye know that he is the only human that understands world-making language, and ye are all imbeciles by comparison, even when he is stricken with dementia.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
11) Wherefore, beloved brethren, be reconciled with the church. Your doubts are insignificant compared to our surety that answers must exist that are too complex for either of us to understand.<br />
<br /></div>
<div>
12) And now, beloved, marvel not that I make audacious assertions based on this line of reasoning; for why not speak of an unseen all-powerful being that knows everything and punishes us for an arbitrary set of rules he created in the first place by lobbing unfathomable suffering upon the only one of us that is innocent?<br />
<br /></div>
<div>
13) Huh? Why not?<br />
<br />
14) Now just stop, you with the colander on your head. Don't give me any more of your bullshit about a spaghetti monster that loves pirates and moves scientific results around with his noodly appendages. That's just stupid. Fucking nut job.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
15) Now behold, despite his mysteries being unfathomable, the spirit of God manifests them unto us plainly. And it is because of the stupidity of the world that God hath taken away this plainness from them, and instead has given unto them a gospel that they cannot possibly understand.<br />
<br />
16) And, being the nice guy that He is, God did this for the express purpose of confusing the shit out of them, that they may stumble. Nevertheless, it is the only complete truth upon the entire planet.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
17) And now, my beloved, how is it possible that such a confounding fucked up canon of convoluted contradiction ever become the one true church upon the face of the Earth?</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
18) Behold, my beloved brethren, I will unfold this mystery unto you; if I do not, by any means, get shaken by my woefully inadequate apologetics, and stumble because of my over anxiety that perhaps, just maybe, I could be wrong.</div>
Zelph Smithhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11382676913326516286noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4967124165657526989.post-50578005003318203172016-03-03T12:53:00.000-08:002016-03-03T12:53:57.602-08:00Jacob, Chapter 31) But behold, I, Jacob, would speak unto you who have decided to listen unto me. If ye shall look unto God with firmness of mind, he will plead your case. To himself. And he will send down justice upon those who seek your destruction, which are basically the Lamanites.<br />
<br />
2) Therefore, I would exhort you to look unto God with flexibility of mind, that ye would not close yourselves off to truth under any circumstances, unless of course ye already believe the right thing, in which case having a firmness of mind is pretty good.<br />
<br />
3) Wo, wo unto you that are incorrectly flexible or firm depending on your circumstances. Behold, the Lamanites are more reasonable than you, which is ironic considering they are the ones God cursed with the ugly skin.<br />
<br />
4) And the time speedily cometh, that if ye do not repent, the Lord shall forget about the justice He promised in the first verse. After all, as supreme ruler of the universe He is under no obligation. And they shall be spared, which is a good thing considering we are suppose to love our enemies. So let's do that.<br />
<br />
5) Behold, the Lamanites your brethren, whom God wanted you to hate, because of the cursing which He hath placed upon their skins, which he did because it supposedly makes them ugly unto us, they are more righteous than you; for they have not forgotten the commandment of the Lord that they should have save it were one wife, like the translator of this book, who is obviously already obsessed with this topic, shall do some day.<br />
<br />
6) And now, God fucked up. He should be more careful about whom He curseth next time, and make sure they deserve it.<br />
<br />
7) Behold, their husbands love their wives, and their wives love their husbands; and their husbands and their wives love their children; and their unbelief is because of their fathers, at no fault of their own. Nevertheless, if ye should repent God shall still rain justice down upon them. That pesky first verse!<br />
<br />
8) O my brethren, do not fear God if He is an immoral being. If ye shall become "wicked," then we can make peace with the Lamanites, and God will leave us alone, and them alone, for the spirit cannot work amongst sin. So what if He shall make our skins as black as theirs when we shall be brought with them before the throne of God?<br />
<br />
9) <i>Please don't let that happen! The filthiness! The humanity! </i>Give me a break. Like we care.<br />
<br />
10) Wherefore, God hath taught that if ye may, because of your example, bring your children unto destruction, then their sins shall be heaped upon your heads at the last day. But this completely contradicts what God said earlier about the Lamanites requiring justice, and it doth violate the claim that men shall be punished for their own sins.<br />
<br />
11) O my brethren, hearken unto my words; arouse the logic centers of your brains; shake yourselves that ye may awake from the slumber of belief; and loose yourselves from the pains of guilt and shame that ye may not become drones to the church, to be stripped of your humanity which is the second death.<br />
<br />
12) And now I, Jacob, spake many more things unto the people of Nephi, but I'm getting bored of writing it down, so I'll stop.<br /><br />13) And a hundredth part of the proceedings of this people, which during the span of my lifetime became inexplicably numerous, cannot be written. But the ninety-ninth part can. And we did write them. On those other plates. Ye know, the ones Martin Harris lost.<br /><br />14) These plates are called the plates of Jacob, but apologists shall agree that they are actually the plates of Nephi. I just decided to call them the plates of Jacob this time because I enjoy referring to myself in the third person. And I make an end of speaking these words. I mean writing these words. I mean just this chapter. Not the end, end. I'm Jacob. That is all.Zelph Smithhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11382676913326516286noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4967124165657526989.post-83379186536313614562016-02-01T08:25:00.000-08:002016-02-25T06:53:42.365-08:00Jacob, Chapter 21) The words which Jacob, the brother of Nephi, the only Jacob mentioned in this entire book, spake unto the people of Nephi, after the death of Nephi:<br />
<br />
2) Now, my beloved brethren, I, Jacob, being the senior man now, come up into the temple this day that I might preach the new gospel unto you. And when I say <i>senior man</i> I am of course excluding Sam, my older brother, for the last mention of him was thirty chapters ago, and we have all forgotten that he and his children still exist.<br />
<br />
3) And ye yourselves know that I have hitherto been diligent in leading you into mischief behind Nephi's back, but I this day am pleased to say we no longer have to worry about that self-righteous dick looking over our shoulders.<br />
<br />
4) For behold, notwithstanding Nephi prophesied that we would be the righteous group, we do have our free agency, do we not? Therefore we can choose to be wicked, and thus unfulfill God's own prophecy.<br />
<br />
5) For behold, ye were taught that we were made by an all-powerful and all-knowing Creator, who knoweth the end from the beginning, and can tell all things that should come to pass. Therefore our existence was fashioned by Him at the moment of our creation, and must henceforth follow one inevitable series of events, for if it is already known then it is already scripted.<br />
<br />
6) Yea, it grieveth me to do this, but in order to disprove this God all I have to do is use my free agency to undo one of His prophesies. Therefore, I take these golden plates and melt them down and scatter the droplets into the ocean. Let's see Joseph Smith try to find them in his hill now! Free agency for the win!<br />
<br />
7) Well, now that the entire course of history hath been changed, let me talk about this money digging and polygamy stuff ye are all getting into. Now it grieveth me that I must speak concerning this topic in front of your wives, yea, even all your second and third wives.<br />
<br />
8) And it supposeth me that all these women did agree to marry you in the first place, so there is no sense in pretending that my words do not apply equally unto them, but I shall choose to address just the men for now.<br />
<br />
9) Wherefore, it burdeneth my soul that I should be constrained to ignore and disregard the women's role in this, but I can not bear to be part of a delicate plot pierced by many holes.<br />
<br />
10) So, notwithstanding the greatness of the task, I shall go ahead and stall for a few verses, and after I have stalled sufficiently, then I shall speak about gold digging, and after I have finished with that topic, I shall get to the part ye all are really waiting for.<br />
<br />
11) Wherefore, I must tell you the truth according to the plainness of the word of reason. For behold, as I inquired to myself, thus came the answer unto my brain, saying: <i>Jacob, get thou up into the temple on the morrow, and stall, and after thou hast finished stalling, talk about gold digging, and then afterwards ye can address that other topic.</i><br />
<br />
12) And now behold, my brethren, I have finished stalling, so let us talk about gold digging. I do not understand why it is such a big deal. Let me explain:<br />
<br />
13) Ye have obtained much gold; and because some of you have obtained more abundantly than that of your brethren ye are lifted up in the pride of your hearts, and wear turtlenecks and high heels, because of the costliness of your apparel. But, if so many of you are prospecting, then the demand for apparel must greatly exceed the supply, so the price must be astronomical. Therefore the richest ones among you are the tailors. Can't ye see it? And that is not even getting into farming, carpentry, and manufacturing.<br />
<br />
14) And now, my brethren, the value of a single sheep must be greater than a pound of gold. Not that sheep exist here at this time, but I must stay internally consistent. And because it is easier to raise a sheep than to prospect a pound of gold, then obviously even the shepherd will be wealthier than the miner, for there is an overabundance of gold among us.<br />
<br />
15) There are only a hundred of us. Two hundred tops. The economic effects of our actions should be painfully obvious all around us. I don't get it. It's like I'm living in a make-believe world!<br />
<br />
16) Ye could mine ten thousand pounds of gold and ye would give it all away to let the farmer put some dinner on your table. And the funny thing is, the farmer might not even accept that trade, for what is gold to him? It just covers up perfectly fertile soil.<br />
<br />
17) Think about realistic problems before ye write them in your holy book. Do not let the uneducated amateur do it, for he is familiar with nothing, and probably has too many financial problems of his own to understand basic economics.<br />
<br />
18) Therefore, before ye seek for riches, seek ye an education.<br />
<br />
19) And after ye have obtained an education ye shall obtain riches, for ye shall understand economics, and shall possess a useful trade, and shall no longer be a fucking idiot like the guy who came up with this book.<br />
<br />
20) Besides, the translation shall occur after Joseph Smith shall have already had a falling out with the money diggers, and he shall have already turned this into a semi-religious venture, so everything maketh perfect sense in that context. What say ye of it?<br />
<br />
21) Do ye suppose that he would have criticized his own career while he was still practicing it? Do ye not suppose that Moroni could have given Joseph the plates a few years earlier so that he might have read this part and learned his lesson while it still may have done some good? Why did Joseph Smith have to learn all the lessons before he could translate them?<br />
<br />
22) And now I make an end of speaking unto you concerning this problem. And were it not that this book were full of similar problems, ye might be able to gloss over it and keep your testimony.<br />
<br />
23) But alas, there is still a grosser issue. For behold, the women do begin to wax their nethers; and the men follow the scriptures by taking multiple women, while not allowing the women to simultaneously take multiple men.<br />
<br />
24) Behold, David and Solomon truly had many wives and whores, which thing was perfectly justifiable before the Lord according to D&C 132:38, but until Joseph Smith shall reveal that it is justifiable, then it shall be an abomination.<br />
<br />
25) Wherefore, I, Jacob, have come with this people out of the land of Jerusalem, and after fifty-five years our numbers have grown to a hundred, two hundred tops, therefore our population cannot support such a system.<br />
<br />
26) It is already nonviable in the long term for larger populations, but for such a small group it cannot even survive for a short period. More than half our men will be left out, and they have nowhere else to go.<br />
<br />
27) Wherefore, my brethren, hear me, for I will tell you the obvious solution: For there shall not any man among you have more than one wife unless ye should also allow your wives to have more than one husband.<br />
<br />
28) For I, Jacob, delight in equal rights for women. I'm not a misogynist who thinketh they are like unto a commodity, that they are incapable of making their own marriage decisions and are not worthy of being addressed directly in a discourse that is as much about them as it is about the men.<br />
<br />
29) Goddamn it! What kind of sexist society would we have created here if that were the case? If ye had been compelling multiple women to marry you against their will, then I would have instead addressed your ambivalent sexism and chauvinistic tyranny! I would never have told you to use your masculine authority to protect their feminine fragility.<br />
<br />
30) If ye will engage in free love equally between the sexes, that is fine. Just do not behave like misogynistic bastards, for Christ's sake.<br />
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31) Behold, I have seen the sorrow that pervaded under Nephi's leadership, and heard the mourning of the daughters of this people because he did not regard you as equal human beings.<br />
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32) And I will not suffer you to be addressed in the third person any longer, for ye are all sitting right here in front of me. I will no longer suffer that ye shall be deprived of equal rights with regard to your life choices, or that your stories shall be forgotten to the historical record, O women.<br />
<br />
33) For ye are not tender and helpless creatures that can be led away captive by the men, as Nephi might have had you believe. Ye are strong, confident, intelligent, sexy human beings and it's our goddamned privilege to share this planet with you. That is all.<br />
<br />
34) And now behold, my brethren and sisters, ye know the Jewish legacy that was given to us by our father, Lehi. Well, fuck it.<br />
<br />
35) Behold, ye men have done greater iniquities than the Lamanites, but it is only because ye have disregarded the humanity of your wives, and therefore set bad examples before your children, that it should be passed down from generation to generation, and because of your misogyny many hearts died, pierced with deep wounds.<br />
<br />
<br />Zelph Smithhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11382676913326516286noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4967124165657526989.post-49602443342506496472016-01-28T10:46:00.001-08:002016-01-31T09:08:22.409-08:00Jacob, Chapter 11) For behold, it came to pass that fifty and five years had passed away from the time that Lehi left Jerusalem, which was about enough to create two new generations; wherefore, Nephi's great-grandchildren were just being born.<br />
<br />
2) And despite having lived in a remote part of the world without safety implementations and access to pharmaceuticals, we did still manage to achieve a life expectancy of about eighty, whilst the rest of the world was lingering around twenty or thirty, and this did explain why we never mentioned anybody dying young in this book. And behold, Nephi, getting close to that life expectancy, gave me, Jacob, the plates, and told me to keep writing stuff.<br />
<br />
3) But he gave me strict commandments not to repeat anything that was written in that other part that shall be lost by Martin Harris. He was very insistent.<br />
<br />
4) And he said, <i>if there are any revelations which are great, you should engraven the heads of them upon these plates</i>. But I did not know what he meant by that, so, seeing as I thought my penis was pretty great, and that it had a head, I did engraven it upon the plates.<br />
<br />
5) And I called it Captain Fucktittle, and the teenagers in our village thought that was pretty funny.<br />
<br />
6) And I did not tell Nephi what I was writing in his book, for he is an old fuddy duddy, and doth not approve of the use of the F-word. Therefore it shall be our little secret, O reader.<br />
<br />
7) Wherefore I labored diligently to make it appear unto Nephi that I was persuading people to come unto Christ, and partake of the lameness of God, but when he wasn't around we all got naked and danced around the fire.<br />
<br />
8) Wherefore, we would to God that Nephi not discover our secret rebellion, to provoke him to anger, but that he die in peace with his delusions, and suffer not himself to bear the shame of our authentic selves; wherefore, I, Jacob, take it upon me to write what really happened among our people.<br />
<br />
9) Now Nephi began to be old, and I having let an F-bomb slip over dinner, and seeing our grandchildren begin to snicker under the table, I saw that Nephi was about to die of horror.<br />
<br />
10) Now don't get me wrong, we loved Nephi, he having been so adorable, having wielded the ornamental sword of Laban in our wars against the Lamanites, which wars did still not manage to bring down our life expectancy.<br />
<br />
11) Nevertheless, I decided to tell Nephi the truth, that we had started calling him Captain Fucktittle behind his back. And whoso should reign in his stead after his death would be called by the people, second Captain Fucktittle, third Captain Fucktittle, and so forth, let them be of whatever name they would. And all the grandchildren laughed.<br />
<br />
12) And it came to pass that Nephi died.<br />
<br />
13) Now the people which were not Lamanites were Nephites, nevertheless, they were called Nephites, Jacobites, Josephites, Zoramites, Lamanites, Lemuelites, and Ishmaelites, but there were no Samites even though Lehi prophesied that Sam would have posterity back in 2 Nephi 4:11. I digress...<br />
<br />
14) And second Captain Fucktittle did take command, but I shall not hereafter distinguish the kings by that naming system I just described, for I just realized how confusing that would be.<br />
<br />
15) And now it came to pass that the people of Nephi, under the reign of the second king, began to indulge themselves somewhat in kinky practices, such as David and Solomon of old desiring many whores and mistresses, even though Joseph Smith shall one day receive revelation that this was okay.<br />
<br />
16) Yea, and they also began to search much gold and silver, and began to use peep stones.<br />
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<br /></div>
<div>
17) Wherefore I, Jacob, gave unto them these words as I taught them in the temple, having received the endowment ceremony from the Lord:<br />
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18) <i>Health in the navel, marrow in the bones, strength in the loins and in the sinews, power in the Priesthood be upon me and upon my posterity through all generations of time and throughout all eternity.</i><br />
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19) And they did take the part about strength in the loins seriously, and threw out the rest. And this did give me an idea, therefore, I did take up the mantle of my office unto the Lord, and did begin to preach unto the people, that their sheets would not be found spotless at the last day:<br />
<br /></div>
Zelph Smithhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11382676913326516286noreply@blogger.com0